How do you know when to trust your instincts/impulses?

I've been up and down a lot lately, switching back and forth between the two. I posted about these another day, but I feel like my resiliency is rock bottom. I can be feeling relatively good (in the moment, I would probably say great, though it's certainly not objective), but one wrong turn or someone saying something to me can set me off and I dive off the deep end. I'll be depressed for days or longer, and it feels like there's no good reason for it.

So through this past several months of bouncing all over the place emotionally, I've been debating quitting martial arts, an activity that I've done for years with my husband (my kids do it too, in another class). When I've been feeling my best in the last many years, I've loved doing it. Lately, I've felt anxious about it and stressed. Super embarrassed since losing my cool there a few weeks back and having to leave the floor for basically the whole night, sitting it out in another room because I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I don't often let people see me when I'm upset/depressed, and it was devastating to me.

So I've really felt very strongly about quitting. I've been injured off an on for the past several years, and this is happening during one of those times when I can't work out anyway; I'm just there watching most of the time. I'm starting to be able to work out again, but I feel like it's not my interest anymore. Like I started it because my husband was interested and I wanted to do something as a family. But it's something he definitely enjoys MUCH more than I do. And I feel like I never have any time to do anything, because it takes up 6 hours a week of what would otherwise be free time. We have a busy schedule anyway, and the few nights I've stayed home have been so much calmer, not trying to rush in and out, working dinner around our attendance, racing to get home and get the kids in bed.

My problem here is that I can't tell if I really don't want to do it anymore, or if it's just the ups and downs and dealing with my depressions. This is really the ONLY activity that I participate in at all, outside of work. I don't really have anything else I'm particularly interested in. I'm afraid that if I quit, I'll completely lose myself in being just a mom & wife, not an individual at all. But then I wonder if I've already lost myself, because I'm feel like I'm doing this mostly as a support to my husband and kids.

I did go Tuesday night, and I had a relatively good time. I enjoy teaching. So I came home feeling like my mind has fed me all the stuff I just wrote above, and that's not reality...that in reality, I like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm so good at faking life most of the time, that I'm tricking myself sometimes, too. I don't know how to trust my impulses and instincts anymore - is my inclination to quit something that's just a short-term result of the depression? Or is it 'real'?

Can anyone relate to this...to feeling like you can't trust your feelings and thoughts when you're making decisions?

It's harder to say if the decision is one you are thinking through and is due more to depression.

I personally don't trust my instincts at all because when I do, there is often trouble. When I can bounce ideas and thoughts off of my husband or other members of my support team with a green light, I know that my instincts are fine and make a decision from there.

Are you looking for some breathing room, do you feel overwhelmed? There is a site called meetup.com that allows groups of people with similar interests to get together. Maybe find something a little more low key that takes up less of your free time. Being a parent is 24 hours seven days a week, so wanting down time is understandable.

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Wait until the depression is gone for a little. My husband always wanted to quit when depressed but he loved it normally. You may want to step down to 3 days a week.

you're totally singing my song, i never know if i can trust myself to make decisions. I tell my therapist this and she really doesnt seem to get it. I would quit martial arts, but that's just me. Sounds like maybe u can find a solitary hobby or not with fam hobby to get time for u

One of my symptoms of depression is wanting to quit everything I enjoy. The way I think of it is that I know how it used to feel and nothing feels good to me when I'm depressed so I feel like I don't enjoy what I'm doing anymore and I'm faking it, etc. I literally have spent hours depressed staring longingly at starbucks baristsas wishing that was my job instead of my current one.

It's hard to say - there's an element of truth that some things are too hard when depressed. But there's also the way anxiety makes things bigger than they are. Can you take a break, think about it a different way, etc?

At the same time, I see that you also feel like you're moving on from it. For me, for sure, bipolar shifted my hobbies and interests a little bit but also it can just be time moves on and you tire of things. Maybe add another hobby before you quit this one?

We never had kids but my ex-husband was way more active than i was and it was a problem. I remember racing around, like you said. Tuesdays were the worst. He would want to attend cheap movie night and we would get off work at 5:00pm and we would race around the city and dine and dash to make a 7:00pm movie. I hated it. I so enjoy all my 'me time' now.

Did you really dine and dash? That was a hobby of mine for awhile. Dine and dash, chew and screw, eat and leave LOL...I am sure that is not what you meant...just

I think I see a pattern! I feel so relieved to know I'm not the only one that can't make decisions. Is it a bipolar thing or human nature? I always thought it was fear that drove me to b so indecisive but maybe it's influenced by the mood swings. I know that when I'm manic I want to do things I normally wouldn't do so it kinda makes sense.
I have a college fee to pay that I've been procrastinating bc I'm so afraid I'm making a mistake going back to school. I've got a week to pay it and apply for grants do it's now or never.

I went again tonight. Got some muscle spasms, so spent most of my time off the floor. I liked working some techniques at the start while warming up, but never felt fulfilled other than that. I did offer to come into the kids' class some days and help teach - I'm excited by that idea. Excited may be too strong a word, but I think it will be fun for a bit, anyway.

I don't know what I'll do. For now, I'll probably just wait it out a bit longer (like you suggested, Miguel's Mom). I don't really want to start any other hobbies - I find that I get really into something, then just drop it totally at some point (often in a depressed state). I get rid of everything, then spiral into guilt about how much it cost to buy materials/supplies/gear, only to quit and get rid of it all later. The guilt stops me from trying new things, because I figure it's a phase and a waste of money. I also am unlikely to try to find something where there are other people - I'm a natural introvert, and frankly I don't feel like I have the energy to meet and get to know more people. I have a couple of close friends, and that's enough for me. I think you're on to something, smallwonderer, about the anxiety playing a key role, too.

I do think it's related, at least in part, to the bipolar cycles. The challenge then, is how do I figure out if it's the cycles or if it's an authentic decline in interest. I can't really bounce it off my husband - he's very vested in the martial arts, in doing it as a family, and in trying to get/keep me engaged in hobbies/activities. I think he is uncomfortable with any moves that isolate me more or keep me from getting regular physical activity, connection with others, getting out of the house, etc. It's a good impulse, on his part, but I think it's partially fear-driven and would leave him significantly biased.

I try not to make important decisions when up or down. I fail often, but as a general rule, I try and stick with this procedure.

Can you possibly take a break and see how you feel later?

I try this too. However the last time I stepped out of T's office she said, "No rash decisions ok" and I totally messed that up.

Yeah, just cause you quit for a little while doesn't mean you can't go back to it later.

I like running btw and you don't really need any supplies for that besides shoes and clothes which aren't too spendy.

I guess my big issue is how to explain to our Master who runs the program why I'm taking time off. I've been there for nearly 4 years, and I'm an advanced student. He is big on commitment. I respect him, and he respects me. I don't want to lose that respect, and I don't want to have to answer questions from either him or anyone else why I'm not coming for a time. (Also, I would still be there at least twice a week to deliver/pick up the kids for their classes and would have to see people from my class then.)

Our Master seems to be a fairly intuitive person when it comes to where people are mentally/emotionally - when I'm in an off state, he picks up on it and asks if I'm ok or asks me to smile. He's kind/teasing about it, but it's hard for me because I'm intensely private about my emotional state(s). I have a hard time discussing where I am with my husband, let alone anyone else.

Sometimes I'm concerned that I'm there so that I can avoid addressing where I am internally with anyone, my husband included.

ElsaMars & zepchic, I'm sure I could take the break, but it's been a long time since I've noticed feeling neutral in mood; I'm not sure when I could make a decision like this without being influenced by where I am in my ups & downs. Sometimes I feel like I'm stable, and then a single, tiny thing will throw me deep down; that leads me to think I'm not really stable leading up to that, which makes me question how to trust/identify when I can rely on myself to be making that decision objectively.

Can anyone relate to this...to feeling like you can't trust your feelings and thoughts when you're making decisions?

Absolutely. I have very similar experiences in that I have moments where I'm happy in the moment but anything small can suddenly flip the mood straight back to depressed. It's like one moment the world is good, I accept its negatives with its positives & feel able to tackle them, next day I'm despondent again. So I constantly have people say I can't commit or I'm flaky because one day one thing seems like a great idea the next I'm like wow wtf was I thinking? My mood doesn't necessarily always shift throughout the day quite like that, it's more if I'm in an in between mood, I'm quite volitile, like I haven't decided my mood yet & any small event can flip it one way or the other in an extreme way.

I've been questioning things too but actually more my relationship than anything else. Like I feel like I'm slowly pulling away, not enjoying time spent together as much, just not feeling that strong connection anymore, if anything I feel somewhat trapped. But I'm just not sure if this is my own issues being projected onto our relationship? I'm constantly unsure of how I feel in relation to moods etc, it comes back to not being able to trust my own thoughts & feelings in relation to decision making because they change depending on my mood. I don't want to throw away a previously brilliant relationship as a result of my own emotional turmoil. Or is it the relationship that is the root cause of my own disillusionment with life?

I really have no advice because I feel like I have the same kind of problems that I can't solve haha. I suppose keep giving it time as that's what I'm doing in hope I will be enlightened one day. ((Hugs))