Why do I drive people away?

First off I should say I am very newly diagnosed and am waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss medication options. I was in thereapy and then attempted suicide and my psychologist that I have been seeing for around six months said she had been wondering if I was bipolar. The last 15-20 years of my life have been a horrible roller coaster of severe ups and downs, violent mood swings, crippling anxiety and depression ect.

I feel like I am constantly hurting the people I love the most and that I drive them away. Every man I have ever been with has cheated on me and then subsequently left me. Except my current husband, but I found out last week he had fooled around with another girl, but we are working it out. I am very aware of the fact that I am hard to live with. I feel like my failed relationships are my fault because when I'm not manic and irritable and angry I'm so depressed I can't function at all. In looking back on my life after diagnosis it makes sense to me why the men in my life found someone else and left me.

Sometimes my thoughts cycle so fast in my head thst I can't keep up and end up blurting out something without thinking and it starts an argument. Most recently tonight my husband mentioned my body language often doesn't mirror feelings I am expressing with my words and that is 9 Times out of 10 why he keeps fighting (or starts a fight) even if I've said I am ok with something. I had no idea this was e case until today.

I'm starting to feel like all I do is make life super hard for the people around me. I feel like a huge burden. My therapy sessions are much more frequent now, and like I said I am waiting on my appointment to discuss medication. But I'm manic right now and clinging so hard onto my husband I feel like I am suffocating him. Realizing all of these these things about myself makes me feel like he deserves so much better and that he won't endure me much longer. I'm scared, anxious and feeling really, really badly right now.

Look back at your first sentence. You are *newly diagnosed* and you need to discuss medication options with your doctor. You are only at the beginning of treating your bipolar, which means it will only start to get better with treatment. It may be rough at first if some medications don't work, but inevitably and eventually, your doctor will find the right treatment to make your life easier. No, you will probably never have a "normal" life where you feel stable all of the time, but with treatment, things CAN get a LOT better! You will eventually start to feel like your moods are more under control, and you will know how to manage them with CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). Chin up! Things will get better for you.

Meanwhile, educate yourself about bipolar disorder. Are you diagnosed as Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2? Do you have any other illnesses like anxiety? Try to find reliable sources that will help you understand your illness and how you can manage it with self-care (along with treatment from your psychiatrist). Keeping a regular schedule, good sleep habits, healthy eating habits, regular exercise, staying away from alcohol and other addictive substances, etc. are all good things you can control. We can't control everything, but we can control those things.

Please be encouraged that now that you are starting treatment, there is hope that your life will get a lot better. We're all here for you.

The good news is that we don't get to decide who other people "endure".

Example, my BF. He's got problems (don't worry, it's no secret, he knows it too ). And honestly? Even with my having BP, it's probably fair to say that overall, I'm the more stable one(!) Let THAT sink in, lol! Is that a challenge for me? You better believe it! He is not easy to live with. BUT. That doesn't matter. I love him despite his problems. Even if he couldn't think of a single reason I should, I do! My feelings for him are not dependent on his understanding them.

And so it is for you. Don't beat yourself up over it. He's there. Don't question it -- relax and simply appreciate it. This is easier said than done, but it's important. The other sets up a pattern of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know for sure, but suspect that DBT might be helpful for you in this. (Can anyone more familiar with DBT speak to this?)

Be gentle with yourself, ok?

I was diagnosed as Bipolar I . I also have a bad anxiety and panic disorder, audible processing issues and depression.

I don't drink or smoke, or do drugs. I eat a healthy diet and exercise as much as is possible (I have fibromyalgia, endometriosis and Ulcerative Colitis so exercise can sometimes prove difficult.)