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#1
May 17, 2016, 10:07 AM
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Do you ever like suffering, pain, great difficulties?
It's my biggest problem that I look for it and don't mind it. I need some of it. I can live without it for months after lots of suffering, but after some point I need it again. There needs to be a balance, but ideally also a constant change in severity and characteristics. I know about the borderline personality type of these behaviours and "attitudes", but are there other types? Maybe less obvious. If I don't have it for too long, I can't do anything, due to a toxic mix of delusional thinking and anxiety. I'm completely stuck, confined, restrained, mentally. Oh, how I love the dynamics of it all. The puzzle. And the suffering. I would like to escape it though. It's getting a bit old. Edit: Ok, that it's getting old is of course making light of it. It holds me back, obviously.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide. See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. Last edited by Icare dixit; May 17, 2016 at 12:03 PM. |
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#2
May 17, 2016, 11:43 AM
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Did you grow up in chaos?
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#3
May 17, 2016, 12:01 PM
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Lots of expressed emotion. But that's not atypical for us with BP. It's probably a borderline personality thing together with too much BP suffering. It's what I know.
__________________
Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide. See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. |
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#4
May 17, 2016, 12:08 PM
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I know that's how I am. I've always had chaos so I get uncomfortable with the stillness of normality. I'm working on accepting balance, not that it's been an option lately. Though sometimes I wonder if I did buy in if it would ease my suffering/lessen my symptoms
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 Icare dixit
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 Gabyunbound, Icare dixit
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#5
May 17, 2016, 01:25 PM
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I struggle with, approach it, the same, finding a balance. Maybe that's fine if you gradually, gently "tip" it in the right direction, eventually being comfortable with stability.
But I'm not sure either. I just know what I do and assume it serves a purpose, trying to do it more deliberate, controlled. Glad to know I'm not the only one having troubles with this.  But we can't possibly be the only ones, right? At least others, with a borderline personality and/or (maybe, I wouldn't know) PTSD would have similar problems? Self-harming or making trouble counts. I believe it's all similar—in some and maybe this, way. The effects.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide. See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. |
| Coconutzo
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#6
May 17, 2016, 01:44 PM
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I've always suffered in one way or another. I'm not sure what my life would be like without suffering. I had a priveledged childhood, but my family was very uptight, conservative and all about appearances. My dad is a high powered attorney and my mom is a psychologist, so whenever I wandered outside what they considered the norm my mom would analyze me and my dad would shame me. Being a highly creative and eccentric type in that kind of family always caused me a lot of mental suffering.
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Bipolar I Borderline Personality Disorder ADHD Generalized Anxiety Disorder "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls |
| Icare dixit
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| Coconutzo
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#7
May 17, 2016, 03:00 PM
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Shaming your kids! :  : There was a lot of that in my house, and I'm no better for it!
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#8
May 17, 2016, 03:06 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Bipolar I Borderline Personality Disorder ADHD Generalized Anxiety Disorder "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls |
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#9
May 17, 2016, 04:37 PM
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Of course! It's always YOUR bipolar and never HIS way of relating to you!  I'm sorry.
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#10
May 17, 2016, 04:44 PM
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I have to be careful not to romance my depression. I buy it presents, take it on dates to sad movies. I wallow in it sometimes and keep stroking it's fire. I have to be proactive in getting out of it. I must fight it. It's trying to kill me.
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| Icare dixit
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| Coconutzo, Gabyunbound
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#11
May 17, 2016, 06:10 PM
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Seek peace. Just be you. No more, no less. There is peace everywhere around us, we just need to look. There is peace in music, nature, good food, a book, sitting on the couch listening to the world outside, a walk, and living simple.
Turmoil leads to turmoil. I avoid politics - I could care less who wins the election. I've conditioned myself into believing it doesn't matter. And it doesn't. |
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#12
May 17, 2016, 08:46 PM
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I'm not sure if this is what this thread is getting at, but a sick part of me actually likes physical and mental discomfort. For me it's like a test of endurance and how much I can handle.
Example: Just stuck at car dealership for THREE HOURS. No smoke before left. Severe nicotine fit. Very uncomfortable. And a sick part of me liked it. Even my husband has commented on how he thinks I actually like pain.
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
| Icare dixit
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| Coconutzo
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#13
May 18, 2016, 11:45 AM
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 thisSent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#14
May 18, 2016, 01:10 PM
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I was thinking about this thread more today and I have a second take on it. I've mentioned before that my husband and I practice BDSM...I honestly cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone where that was not a part of it. I enjoy the physical suffering it brings. Honestly I can be bruised and bleeding after a session and that is often the happiest I ever am. Part of it is the intimacy involved in the whole process, but another part is seeing how much I can endure because I relish in that feeling.
__________________
Bipolar I Borderline Personality Disorder ADHD Generalized Anxiety Disorder "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls |
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#15
May 18, 2016, 01:21 PM
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at this point I'm just used to the pain and suffering, its almost as if I don't know anything else. so when I'm baseline I don't really know how to feel.
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Bipolar 1 with mixed and psychotic symptoms & ADHD Meds Latuda 120mg Lamictal 200mg Haldol 5mg (+5mg during mixed episodes) Vyvanse 40mg morning 20mg noon Benztropine 0.5mg |
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