Odd depression

I think Lamictal has done a great job at reducing the length of my depressions. I was only depressed for 4 days last week, which is awesome. (Well, it's not awesome that I was depressed lol, but it's awesome that it only lasted 4 days.)

I had such a weird depression, though. I was wondering if anyone could relate.

I started believing in fate and all that sh**... like I was "destined" to die by suicide right then and there. I sh** you not, I literally believed that the "creator of the universe" destined me to die by suicide.

I never really thought about who the "creator" was... whether it was a God or just a bunch of particle physics. (I wasn't exactly using logic here, so that's probably why I never thought "who" destined me to die.)

Normally I don't believe in God (sorry), but I wasn't objecting to the idea that "God" could have been the culprit behind my "destiny".

Anyways, that's enough weird sh** from me for the day.

Edit: I wasn't super clear... Editing to make it more clear

We're all destined to die. It's what happens.

(I'm not saying RIGHT NOW, but eventually yes.)

Isn't it strange that moods can affect your belief system? I would think that my belief system would stay the same all of the time, no matter what my moods are, but it does seem to change with mood (if the moods are extreme enough). I become more religious and/or superstitious when I'm really anxious or manic. When I feel stable, I don't really feel the need for religion or prayer as much. I become more down to earth and pragmatic (not that there is anything wrong with religion, I think at my baseline, I'm just not that religious). Weird.

lol

Well, I started believing in fate and all that sh**. I was waiting for "God" (or whomever created the universe) to explain themselves!

I don't even believe in God

Edit: It's more like "you are destined to die by suicide"

Yeah, it's bizarre.

I wish there were some good research studies on why our beliefs change like that.

I don't think anxiety changes my beliefs, but depression and hypo/mania do.

My beliefs don't change much. Just whether I care.

The more chronic and pervasive the delusions, the more stable your belief system. It's the sensitivity/granularity of your perception "regulation", some flexibility. Flexibility comes with use.

Does that make any sense? My perception (or rather the effects and content, not appraisal) is slower than my mood, but I'm in a mixed state so always a bit delusional or at least I can't distinguish between sane ideas and "insanity" much. I try to dumb it down. Sorry: that was a mania leftover. Maybe I'm that creator of the universe but I just forgot because I have a very bad memory in times like these.

I tire myself. I've got dozens of years of nonsense in that head of mine.

God exists though. We are very close (not just me).

my last mixed state that was really bad I was questioning my religious beliefs to so I know where you're coming from. I'm an atheist and I thought I was dead and in hell. very bizarre.

Believing in a destiny or fate like that is also quite healthy. You can just sit back and relax. Better than feeling like you have to force yourself to do it.

It also diminishes the anxiety caused by you thinking you've lost control: you never had it in the first place.

There are better and worse belief systems. Basic assumptions matter a great deal. Assume everything is possible and you have no say in the matter whatsoever. A beautiful paradox. Must be true. Your rationality better be flexible.

I've had hypomanic religiousity (waaaay off normal me. A bizarre trip even within that --ie. 3 very different forms). Also, I feel destined to die by my own hand. But these two things did not come at the same time.

I hadn't been dx'd at the time, and was so confused coming down off the religious thing. Who WAS that???!!! What the hell happened to me?! It was a relief to later learn it wasn't unusual in BP, though I'm still hugely embarassed about it.

Like you, bluebicycle, the Lamictal has shortened episode duration. A lot. Many used to go on for numerous weeks or months. The one above was months. Yikes.


Edited to add: holy crap! I just realized in the midst of that was my most bizarre 3,000 mile on-a-whim move!!!! (Yes, there's been more than 1). How could I have not connected that before???!!! Wow. Just wow.

I get something very similar. When manic, I get delusions that God wants me to kill myself and he's tormenting me. Other times the delusions tell me that other people are the ones trying to get me to kill myself and God is showing me to help me fight them and their evil. It's very scary and one of my worst symptoms.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are safe and not tempted to listen. I'm very obstinate and even when God is trying, I refuse to listen. But sometimes it gets too overwhelming and I've been tempted to listen because I couldn't handle the torment.

(((Hugs to you))). I hope you never have to go through this again.