heart wrenching anxiety

Thanks for checking on me. I took extra klonapin and it worked; I slept about 6 hours.

I saw my t today. I read her some of this thread. She said I sound mildly delusional and very manic. She could see it today and she could tell it last night in group. I told her I felt like I was going to explode. She asked if I needed to leave and I said no I wanted to stay but that is only because being around her comforts me. I could follow little of what was said. She told me to leave her a msg for the next 4 days about how I am doing. She said last week I seemed off as well as it took me a while to remember things. I got my clozapine...soon enough to take it both this afternoon and tonight. The service for my husband's grandpa is tomorrow. I am scared I'll cause a scene. I'm praying I won't.

I echo the others thought of concern here. With the amount of stress you're under it would be perfectly understandable if it threw you into a mania or pschosis.

As I've mentioned before I'm not always good at the sympathy / empathy thing so I hope the following doesn't come off as insensitive but I find it concerning that your T would tell you to withhold information from her because of the impending divorce. As you mentioned that's made you scared to share and that's e last thing you need right now. The harsh truth is that if your mental health becomes an issue in the courts what you say now in therapy isnt really going to affect what the courts think after they view your previous records anyway, and if they want to press the issue of your mental health they can have you evaluated by a court ordered psychiatrist. I don't say this to scare you, my mother is a psychologist and my dad is an attorney, and I saw how they systematically (and unfairly) picked apart my sisters exhusband during her divorce and it was horrible. Even if your husband doesn't want to press your mental health issues in court his lawyer is definitely going to want to try to exploit it however he can.

Anyways I'm rambling now, but I wish your T hadn't scared you against sharing, I think that was wrong of her. You need someone you can talk to, especially with the mania you're experiencing right now. I hope things get better for you.

hope you feel better soon.

No, I appreciate your input. My therapist probably shouldn't have told me that; you are right. She didn't seem concerned about it today though. She did, I think, have my best interests at hand in telling me that and just wanted me to be safe. I told her that my pdoc said his records would be subpoenaed before hers and that he would fight against it. She just said she didn't have much experience in the courts and agreed that it probably wouldn't come to that. I feel less concerned about my illness after speaking to my attorney who told me that 90% of her clients settled in mediation. Also my pdoc said that if they did subpoena my records that my husband would look bad because he constantly left our children under my watch even when I was psychotic. Despite all of that, still I worry.

Please do!

How are you? How did the funeral go? It was today.

Thinking of you

Thank you dear. I wish I had not gone. I LOVED his grandfather but it was too much. I had to grieve his grandfather and the loss of his entire family who I've loved for more than 12 years. It was SO hard and I still am very unsettled. By the point of the service, I had received my refill and had taken 3 doses of clozapine. It made me physically calmer but I thought I was going to die; I believe my insides have already died. I am thinking I will end up in a psych ward before the details of my divorce have settled. This is so distressing.

I'm so sorry things are so hard and you're going through this alone. Just remember we're here and the sooner you go to the hospital the faster you'll recover.

Hugs, cash. This type of situation would make anyone distressed. I just think it's worse for people like us because stress has a tendency to send us off the deep end. We're all here for you.

I don't know if this is helpful or not - I hope so. It helps me to hear sometimes...

You have faced some really hard things in life over the years. And you've survived every one of them. You are stronger than you think. You might not feel it right now, but that strength is in you.

And you have a whole community of people here - and it sounds like your family and your therapy team - whom you can lean on. Be safe.

I agree with Raspberrytorte. Also, if your husband says ONE THING about your 'moods' tell him being upset is normal, and his ability to just be fine is a sign that he wasn't as emotionally invested in the family. No wonder he might be cheating, he has no heart in the house. Just going through the motions.

Now that the funeral is behind you, no need to hide anything from anyone. He can tell his grandmother in his own time. That side of the family is his responsibility. You can maintain any relationship with anyone that you want to, if they feel comfortable to reciprocate. What is most important isn't protecting relatives feelings from the truth, but taking care of yourself.

Try to continue care of your physical health, and your surroundings. You don't need him sneaking around taking pictures of messes to try to confirm some outlandish tale about you.

Keep reaching out. Don't suck into yourself. Your insides are not dying - everything that you thought your life was seems to have ended. That feels physical for you because your identity is being ripped apart. You won't die, and you will regrow a new reflection of life. But this breakdown is very normal -this is why people explain how horrendous divorce is. No med in the world can make it go away, but continuing to care for our mental health can reduce its getting out of control.

Live in the moment you are in. Think about the future only as far as you are required to. Not big day dreams, but real plans for appointments, paperwork - etc.

Try not to indulge in self pity and wallowing for too long of periods of time. Give yourself an amount of time, but try to impose restrictions upon yourself. 15 minutes, an hour, after 7pm - then get up, get back, and push through, if not for yourself then for your children. Tap into anger if you need strength and it seems to come from no where. Anger can be a great lever for energy when we feel that all is lost.

Consider cut, copy, paste with this Poem: Desiderata. I have found it can give me strength and insight and have kept a copy of it in my kitchen since I stole the plaque from my moms house when I moved out at 18. Yes, I admitted it too her decades ago.
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Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

That piece is beautiful, Anrea. Thanks for posting it. I can't tell if it's your signature, or if you posted it specifically for cash - either way, it's timely and lovely.

Too long to be a signature with as often as I post. teehee. Added it just for her. I really like what you said also - reminding her of her own strength. Well said. It took so long for me to type it all, and edit that you posted in between my start and finish.

Anrea,

As always, thanks for you compassion and wisdom! And, the poem is inspiring and true. All my love!

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer
home page
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Thank you Little Cat. That was beautiful!

How's tonight cash?

Thanks for checking in on me. I didn't follow my mom's advice and drank coffee later in the evening. I think I may have made a mistake. Now my mind is going crazy and I go back and forth between worrying that my insides are dead and knowing that of course my insides aren't dead; that's ridiculous. I did go to dinner with my family tonight to celebrate my cousin's birthday. I enjoyed myself but had quite bit of anxiety. The clozapine has at least physically calmed me for the most part. Now that I am home the anxiety is overwhelming. I keep thinking there is presence around me, following me. I can't discern if it is an angel or if it is a demon. But I am certain it is there.

I have something watching me too. Hopefully the coffee wheres off soon.

Oh my god! There's something watching me too! It didn't help that before bed my daughter said there was a black monster behind me, and then told me it was in my eyes.

**** you not. She said that to me!

She even drew a picture the other day of this creepy, black humanoid shaped thing. wtf!!!

OMG it's so creepy when kids do that! My daughter has said some freaky things about monsters in her room. The worst for me was the video monitor we had when she was a baby. I would watch that grainy little black and white screen just waiting for some freaky s*** to walk by.

Lol you guys are scaring me here and I'm home alone...thanks!

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