Lied to

Caught my husband texting/sexting other women. We've been married 6 years. This is the 3rd time. When I get suspicious about his cell phone activities, particularly when I wake up in middle of the night and he's on his phone, he lies about it. Happened again last night. Told him to give me his phone if he had nothing to hide. He gave it to me and I found the many texts immediately. He hadn't had a chance to delete them. He tried to lie his way out of them, but I had nailed him dead to rights. The lying is what bothers me the most. Hate being lied to.

So what do you guys think, is this cheating even if he hasn't physically done the deed with thes women?

I think cheating has different meanings to different people. I think it's cheating if one of you violates whatever understanding you two have about the boundaries of your relationship. If your reaction is that it's not okay, then it's not okay. It sounds to me like, for you guys, yeah it's cheating.

I think the lying is the bigger issue. If it was meaningless to him he wouldn't feel the need to lie.

Lying is always the dealbreaker in most relationships. If it bothers you that much yeah then its cheating.

I consider it cheating..

What happened when you caught him in the past?

I feel like such an idiot. There were some red flags before I married him, but I saw vulnerability and a real need to be loved, so I accepted them and him. I have learned though, over time, what an adept liar he is, it comes as natural to him as breathing. He also has a hair-trigger temper. I'd heard stories about it, but had never seen it until last year when he blew up at a neighbor, and then again a couple of days ago. Both times I hid in the bedroom. He got irritated with me for being upset and not backing him up. I told him when he gets angry like that I don't feel safe around him. That really threw him for a loop.

My first marriage was difficult, but I tried to make it work and hung in there for 26 years. I told myself I would make a better choice if I ever married again, but I seem to be drawn to broken men. It brings out my compassion and desire to nurture. But, I also think that maybe I feel I don't deserve any better then that, that maybe I don't think an emotionally healthy man would want me.

He got defensive, tried to blame me for his actions, then apologized, said it didn't mean anything and would never do it again. Said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

He's been married several times. I think he believes our marriage has an expiration date. When he does things like this, it almost feels like he is trying to sabotage it. He doesn't have a lot of insight

Your marriage sounds abusive -- psychologically at least. Just remember this: it is not your fault. I know that's kind of cliché but always tell yourself that you deserve the best. He lied to you, and chances are, he will lie again. Maybe he'll be more discreet next time, but I don't believe that this is a healthy relationship for you.

That being said, I'm by no means a marriage counselor and I don't know what is going on in your life besides what you just posted, but always remember, this is your life and you have the power to choose whatever path you'd like to take. Are you happy with this man? Do you love him and can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? If you have trouble answering these questions then you have found your solution.

Choose the path that will make you happy.

if it's enough to piss you off. then its cheating

Da eye of the beholder. Did Bill Clinton had sex with Monica?. Not in my eyes.
Heavy petting they call it.
If I catch my wife with another man, I will salute him. Ah, if it's another woman, I'll be very pissed off. For not inviting me. A matter of perception.

Right now, today, I am not happy with my husband, and I let him know that. I let him have it with both barrels! He didn't have much to say except to try to make some lame *** excuse about needing to talk dirty with women because he's not getting what he needs from me.

Can I see myself with him for the next 10-20 years? Maybe, but will exact a price from my soul like my first marriage did. But here is my present reality: I don't work, can't work. Can't collect disability because I paid into a state retirement fund for nine years, not social security. Can't touch my retirement for another 11 years. Sooo, I don't have any money of my own, not a pot to piss in. I took care of my disabled ex husband for 26 years, took care of our 3 children, and supported my current husband our first 5 years and helped him get his job with the school district...and this is where I'm at, at 54. The irony of it is just pathetic and sad. I've made another miserable bed for myself and I don't know if I have the courage and wear-with-all to get out of it.

You should start sexting her too. It would confuse them both.