[Curiosity77]

I don't know what to even say. I just keep doing the same ****, in different versions, over and over. I imagine my family and friends watch it sadly like a soap opera. I don't think they enjoy it, but they just have to watch, because they can't do anything. I keep cycling, making bad decisions, and it's so obvious, but i don't let myself see it at the time. Then i crash, and it unravels, and i'm humiliated. I don't think this is ever going to stop. I can't stop crying. Up all night, and i had to call in sick today. I'm such a loser

I've felt exactly as you do right now. I never understood why I kept repeating the cycle of embarrassment and shame. Are you working with a doctor? Please be kind to yourself. Nobody is perfect and some people just need a little extra support to make it through this life. Be sure to get some support through this and keep us posted on how you are feeling. Big hugs to you!

[Curiosity77]

Thank you ElsaMars. I do have a doctor and a psychologist, but it's still hard sometimes. I see what i want to see
Thx for support

[fishin fool]

I have been there in my life so I totally understand.
Many bad decisions have cost me a lot in this life.
Glad you have a doctor to help you and let us know how you are.

[cincidak]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm glad you have a doctor though. I've made a lot of bad decisions because of my illness, but I recover, and realize that the illness is to blame at times. I go easy on myself. Are your medications not working? It took two years with the same psychiatrist to find the right medications for me. I wish you well.

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I know how you feel. For the past two years i've had a Spring hypomania in which i planned these grand renovations to my condo which would have bankrupted me. I enlisted the help of my neighbors for advice, floor plans, negotiating with the Condo Board, etc. Both times i wound up crashing and doing nothing. It's so hard to face my neighbors now because at best they must think i'm unrealistic and at worst a whack job.

I thought the Spring renovation hypomanias were inevitable but miraculously this year i have skipped it. I am coming up on one year of stability on mild to moderate depression. It's not ideal but it's a lot more manageable than hypomania.

Just my story to show that it's not inevitable that we will behave like idiots and have a hard time living with ourselves after. Who knows what lies ahead? Maybe you'll have a peaceful year like me!

[bipolarbrother]

from my experience, we will continue to attract similar life situations over and over again until we finally learn to do something different. doing the same thing expecting a different result only leads to insanity.

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[Curiosity77]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better, but that was a really hard few days. It's been a crazy few months of cycling. Some of it has been great, but unfortunately always with consequences. What i hate is how when fall into a really dark place it feels like it has always been that way, and any good times have been illusions. Then i flip back and forth trying to figure out which is real, until it seems nothing is real. It's like getting trapped in a space of nothing at all. I can't handle that feeling, but I don't know what to do with it because I absolutely won't do anything to harm myself. But it's so painful. I don't know, I really have a double or triple life happening, and it's pretty complicated. I definitely put up with **** from people that I shouldn't. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. It doesn't make sense. I haven't done anything wrong, but it's not what i've done, it's who i am that is the problem. I have this core belief that I'm worthless, and that everything good in my life is a house of cards. So maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Idk, my self esteem is taking a beating, and i'm feeling pretty confused.

[cincidak]

Keep working with you psychiatrist to find the right med combination that helps relieve your symptoms. An antipsychotic coupled with a good mood stabilizer should help you be level and quit cycling so bad. If what you are taking now isn't working then you need to call your pdoc and get it changed, or dose increased. You're not worthless. You have an illness. It's treatable, but it can be hard sometimes to find what works. I hope you continue to improve and feel better. I hope you work with your doctor and become stable.

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