Self awareness

I see some posts here and there about whether or not you're aware of your episodes.

Before you were Dx'ed... were you able to identify hypo/mania? What about depression?

I actually couldn't identify depression at first. I thought I was just "sad", even though I experienced anhedonia, hopelessness, and guilt (and oftentimes suicidal ideation, too).

I spent many years living with these on-and-off depressive episodes. I was able to identify when this "sadness" started and when it ended. So in a way, I could "identify" depression, but I never thought it was depression -- hence I never sought help for it.

Now for hypo/mania? Hell no! Same thing with mixed. I'm becoming more aware of these types of episodes, though. For me, sleep is the #1 indicator for mixed and hypo/manic episodes.

I don't see episodes other than on TV. Happy or sad. If these are episodes, then yes.

Good question, bluebicycle!

As for depression, yes, I knew, and did identify it as depression, at least in the really major ones. The first of which was at 20, complete with sui ideation. I had no idea WHY it was happening, but DID recognize that there was no mistaking it with being sad.

For hypo, no, no idea at all, because I didn't know about BP. I certainly knew I could (for instance) make some rather inexplicible sudden major decisions, and even that this was problematic. But I never questioned anything when it was happening, lol! "Questioning" something???! What's THAT?! "Move along, folks! There's nothing to identify here!"

With the dysphoric stuff, I was painfully aware of when it was happening, but always "identified" it as major character weakness. If I could just pull it together, it'd go away, right? Sigh.

I couldn't tell at all before being diagnosed. I just thought I made really bad impulsive decisions sometimes, got really angry sometimes for no real reason, and sometimes really sad.

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I had no idea. My depression was easily explained as other things or easy to deny, though looking back I see myself fervently demanding that I was high functioning when people said I was falling apart. I got in lots of fights over people thinking I was a mess. I drunkenly snarled many times that I was still "handling my ****".
Suicide attempts(not serious) and wild acts of desperation were ignored by me and my partner.

The manic stuff was assumed to be my personality. I called it my "invincibility complex". I was always doing these wild careless things with a big brave smile on my face. Things that now seem really hard to ignore. I changed my life so often though. No one could see the pattern, and my partner at the time chose not to. He only complained of my anger. There were episodes so extreme and out of character that I couldn't even understand once they settled...but denial is a very strong force

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Depression is obvious. It's the suicidal ideation. Two serious attempts.

The hypomania is recognizable when I drive. No patience, and rage.

Before diagnosis I used to have times when I'd think "if I can just figure out what is wrong with me, I can fix it". But I didn't really know anything about depression or BP. I was first given a Depression diagnosis and put on SSRI's which sent me manic. I told my doctor about Prozac making me talk a lot to strangers and becoming very aggressive. Not in a fighting way, just in a VERY over-opinionated fashion. For a long time I thought medications were bad for me and while I could then identify depression sometimes, I used to think everyone felt this way and wanted and planned to kill themselves. I also just assumed I was very weak. When my BP diagnosis arrived, I didn't pay attention to hypo or mania for the first few years. I noticed the phases after they were over, and grieved my behavior but I couldn't identify early warning signs of hypo because I didn't educate myself. Now that I'm educated, and watchful, I'm getting good at identifying hypo. Mania is a whole different a story but I talked about that on a recent thread

Yeah, I've made some sudden major decisions too, but like you, I never thought much of it.

It's interesting that you identify your dysphoria as a major character weakness. I used to think I had a sh*tty personality, as my dysphorias mostly involve severe anger. Depression is present, of course, but anger is the main symptom.

Yeah, I think it's somewhat common for people to ignore depression because they think they can handle it, they don't believe they're depressed, or they just don't realize they're actually depressed. (As I said, my case was the latter.)

I definitely think denial is part of the problem with both mania and depression. It's very easy to convince yourself there is nothing wrong with you, or convince yourself that all of your problems are somehow related to your personality (for example).

That's interesting. I, too, used to think that it was "normal" to experience sadness and to feel the desire to commit suicide. (Well, when I say "normal", I mean that I expected people to feel like this occasionally.) So, of course I never connected sadness and suicidal ideation to "depression". I knew they were symptoms of depression, but I didn't think they implied depression, if that makes sense.

I suppose that's partly why I denied my depression Dx when I first got it. I was like, "No, I'm not depressed. Are you crazy?? You're wrong." I never even bothered with treatment until 2 years after my "depression" Dx, when I felt like committing suicide. (Though, I was apparently in a mixed state.)

Hmmm...yeah. I think, because like you, there's the anger thing. I don't think I really thought so much in terms of character regarding the others (depression or positive hypo), but the anger of the dysphorias triggered a ton of issues surrounding my (definitely MI) mother. I'd always vowed to NOT be like her, so when that kicked in, all I could see was my inability to uphold this vow, therefore a personal failing.

Huh. Never really thought about it that way before, but there it is. How much do you charge?

I think back about the grandiosity.... I really thought I was that great, no idea that I might be bipolar. I didn't believe the dx for a long time.

I've become much more self-aware in the past couple of years. I used to have no clue that I was in an episode, let alone see that one was coming and I needed to do something before it hit. Now I can look back and see that I had many, many depressive AND manic spells before I was diagnosed.

I've always dealt with issues regarding 'depression'. However, up until about a year ago I didn't realize how bad it was, and even then I just chalked it up to being a woman. My mom tried to convince me it was just my body going through 'the change'. I'm not really THAT old *smh* Anyway, I went and saw my PCP a few months later and she suggested I see at the very least, a therapist. Well, due to insurance, that wasn't an option at the time. I finally had a change in insurance this year and was able to start seeking help back in February. The pdoc initially called it ADHD because of my symptoms of lack of concentration. After a few sessions he suggested I go through some psychological tests, so I did. Well, needless to say, here I am months later with BP2 and MDD.

As for the hypomania, I still haven't much clue what that's all about, but I do know there are periods where I sleep less (3-4 hours a night) and feel completely fine. I do get easily agitated as well at times, so who the heck knows?

Before my diagnosis I could sometimes tell my depression but never mania. Looking back now I can point out several episodes of both but had no idea at the time.

Now I can usually be aware of a depression but the manic episodes or mixed episodes are harder to tell until I'm coming down from one.

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That's good to hear

I'm still not good at seeing when an episode is coming. I mean, I can tell I'll be depressed shortly after I have a hypo/manic episode, but that's about it. I can't tell when hypo/mania is coming.

But, as you're implying, it does take time to figure things out. I've been keeping a mood journal to help me out

Yeah, I can see how it's easy to blame your moods on something like your gender, personality, etc.. It's a form of denial.

I'm glad you were able to finally get to attend therapy and get a pdoc.

I did psychological testing too, and that's how I got the BP and ADHD diagnoses.

And yeah, I'm not good at identifying hypo/mania either. I mostly just look for changes in sleeping patterns... but even then, it's possible to have hypo/mana and get a normal amount of sleep

Well said. My experience has been very similar. The feeling weak part was particularly awful and I still sometimes experience it. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether a strong mood is situational or an 'episode' and when it seems situational I sometimes go back to feeling weak.

My initial diagnosis was 4yrs ago, but I had gone w/out treatment until November of last year when I was basically forced into a php program. I'm usually a very self aware person, but before I started treatment (again) I had no insight into my episodes, they just happened, even before my diagnosis in 2012, I had no idea what I was going through at all. So no I wasn't self.aware of my episodes.

Never until I experienced dysphoric hypomania in response to an SNRI did I ever think I had bipolar. In retrospect I can identify at least a few hypomanic episodes in my past. I never even accepted I could be depressed until 3 years ago, again in retrospect I can identify at least 1 major depressive episode prior to the one that. I like to think my insight is pretty good now.