Open about Mental Health at an Unhealthy Job

So, I've been having lots of trouble at work, I've posted about that many times. I also run off at the mouth, I've posted about that. I'm not mean, if anything I'm too passive, but I just say exactly what's on my mind and I talk a lot, sometimes I get too focused on me.

This leads me to "telling my story" to everyone. I talk openly about my mental health. Part of me thinks, ****, this is very personal, why do you share this, they're going to judge you, they're going to think you're looking for attention or sympathy, or maybe they think I'm exaggerating my symptoms. I dunno. For years now I've said, screw 'em, this is me.

At this point everyone at work knows my business and it just now started to freak me out. A co-worker in a position of power has agreed to save me from the job I hate. So we were just talking about the new job, I've known him for 15 years and like everyone else he knows my issues.

As we are discussing the game plan to get me moved to another department I said, "Oh, what a relief! I mean, I was only on 2 meds when I started here 15 years ago, now I'm on 7 meds a day!" I even told him I'm on an amphetamine. He made a little joke that he wishes he was on amphetamines. He has seen me in pretty bad shape before an right now I'm more stable than I've ever been, which is why I think this is finally happening.

My implication when telling him about the meds was that getting into a new job could really help my mental health. If I was truly interested in my work, I might not get so mentally exhausted and might not need the Adderall to help me focus on this **** I'm totally burned out on. I've lost 100% interest in my job.

So, I take my Adderall, I put in my earbuds and I just do my job like it's the most interesting work I've ever done in my life. With the exception of those days when even taking my 2nd Adderall 3 hours after getting there, even that does nothing sometimes. I sit there yawning with my eyes watering and my brain jumping around.

I just sit and flip around between work, personal email, reading the same work emails over and over trying to just focus on the words of a simple request. Sometimes I give up and start talking to coworkers. They want to talk, but they look scared. Like, what if they get talking to me? Oh god talking has become a big no-no in my department, at least for me. It never used to be this way. We used to have a lot of fun.

The new department I'd be going to is much more laid back. They encourage social behavior and knowledge sharing, very cool group of people.

So, I'm terrified that I sabotaged this by my telling my new boss about all the meds. Then I got nervous and tried to call him one night at 9:00 in the evening right when he was fighting with his partner about working too much. So I texted the next day and just said I hoped I wasn't scaring him and that I'd calm down after the transfer.

He didn't say anything. But I'm trying so hard to vow not to text or call again. I need to just accept it is what it is. Either this will happen or it won't. But he said, "This happens REALLY fast." I said, "How fast? Days? Weeks?" He said, "Weeks." That was a week and a half ago. Now I'm just left with my imagination. Believe me, when given the chance I will always go to the darkest place.

So instead of just believing it is really going to happen, that someone understands me and is standing up for me, and instead of being excited about it, I've become very depressed. I'm convincing myself I've screwed it up, or something during the transfer will get rejected by HR, or my department is going to put up a fight because I'm the best whipping boy they could have ever imagined.

My psychiatrist today told me to set myself a rule, like I won't ask about the job again for at least another week. I mean, I can't just sit there forever wondering! But they won't let me sit there forever, right? Or would they, if it falls through, just never say a word. I definitely need to leave him alone for a while, right? It's only been a week and a half. I am just going a little nuts, sitting there all day waiting to get that phone call, waiting for a boss to call me into their office to tell me it's happening, sitting there trying to figure out if I should act surprised or let on that I knew it was happening or just for once in my life try to just have no outward reaction at all.

It certainly sounds like it will be a healthy move. I hope it comes through soon.

I think making yourself a rule not to ask for a week is a good idea. As to your reaction, I don't think surprise is necessary, but neither do I think you need go without reaction completely.

Cut yourself some slack. People who requests transfers in your situation are bound to have some anxiety about it. It sounds like you really need this transfer so you have a lot of emotional baggage pertaining to it coming through. It sounds like it is mostly out of your control right now, and that is sometimes hard to accept. Continue doing your best. Keep your promise and wait a week before asking. If the time to ask comes up, don't be nervous, you are just following through on something important to you. That is a normal and healthy thing to do. I'm wishing you luck on the transfer. Keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

Thank you so much, Elsa. I just needed to hear that. Very rational and very comforting. I rarely get that from anyone. Everyone wants to push me into the guessing game. What do you think is going on? What did that look mean? Why did he say this or that in a particular tone of voice? I dissect things and people seem to feel compelled to join in, rather than just say what you said, "It sounds like it is mostly out of your control right now..." EXACTLY!

After playing the guessing game with someone, especially my mom, after a little while I'm learning to say wait, stop! It is the unknown!! 100% unknown. All this guessing and speculation just makes me mentally exhausted. But the waiting is also taking its toll.

I just went through a full 2-month ordeal of getting my resume perfected, I worked on it 6-hours a night for a week, wrote the perfect cover letter, applied for a job and got an interview. I believe I aced the interview, at least it was 100% me, then I got the rejection letter. It felt like, "Oh we know what we got was 100% the real you and, well, we don't want it."

My friend is an author and I asked what it feels like to work for years on a book and then get bad reviews and even criticize you personally? She was known for being pretty wild back in the 80's, people said she was on drugs but she's really just one of us

Anyway, on the topic of bad reviews, she said you never get used to them and you never get over them.