[wildflowerchild25]

This has nothing to do with bipolar but I need some opinions. My husband's grandmother passed away today. You don't have to offer condolences; I didn't really know her so I'm not upset.

I know my father in law will expect me at the funeral, but in all honesty I don't want to go. The reason I didn't know her well was because she was a nasty woman, mean and conniving. She was always mean to my husband and made no effort to invite him over or anything. She met my son once when he was an infant and we haven't seen her since. When my husband died, she spread a rumor that the funeral was invite only, just to make me look bad. What I had said was the funeral was family and close friends only because I didn't want his junkie friends showing up. She's also spread rumors about my sister in law to make my father in law look good. I honestly don't want to drive 45 minutes to attend her funeral.

Besides that, her funeral will be in the town where my husband grew up. I have a lot of bad feelings about that town because it turned into the place that he got his drugs from. All of his junkie friends are still there. Whenever I have to go there to visit my father in law, it gives me anxiety for the whole day. AND, the funeral will be at the same place we held my husband's funeral. I can't fathom going back there. All I will see is my husband laying out in the casket and all I will feel is the absolute despair I felt that day. I don't want to be there at all.

I'm just not one of those people who feels that family is everything. My uncle died earlier this year but I felt nothing. I didn't know him either. We stopped talking to my father's side of the family after he died when I was ten, so I had only seen my uncle maybe five times in the last 19 years. I never talked to him, he never sent me birthday cards, I never sent him cards...we just weren't close. So I didn't go to his funeral either.

I just know if I don't go to this funeral I have to be prepared for my husband's father's side of the family to talk **** about me for awhile. Which I don't care about because again, I'm not close with any of them. The only real problem will be my father In law. He is incredibly unstable and will call me to yell at me for dumb **** like what I post on Facebook. He will take it as a sign of disrespect. But the worst he will do is talk **** about me on Facebook and possibly harass me through Facebook. I can always block him if it becomes a problem.

Is it terrible that I'm considering not going? Is family supposed to be everything? I just don't feel that way. Never have. What would you do?

I don't think you have to go, at all. And I don't think you should go for the reasons you listed above. It would be unhealthy.

If anyone asks and you feel you want to respond, tell them health reasons precluded you from attending. And leave it at that. You could send flowers if you want but I don't think you have any obligation to do so. Send them if it gives you peace of mind.

You have no obligation to go. It does not make you a bad person at all. The only reason you need not to attend, is that you don't want to. That's enough.

Family is only everything if you are close to them. I'm related to a lot of people I don't even know.

If people harass you for not attending, they are jerks. We all grieve in different ways and nobody has the right to dictate how a person responds to death.

I don't attend any activities unless I want to. It doesn't make me popular, but it does make me happier and less anxious.

(((Hugs))) to you.

[pirilin]

Don't go. That simple.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I didn't come home to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was in grad school. He lived in the same town and I seriously doubt could have picked me out of a line-up of 5 girls my age and if he could have it would have only been because I have really curly hair that is memorable.

I don't go back "home" for reunions even though I have heard that some people have had hurt feelings that I don't try. I have nothing in common with the people I grew up with and I don't want to go and re-live bad times for me.

I don't know where my father lives really and probably will not know when he dies. If I do I will not attend any funeral. He was abusive and I haven't seen him in almost 20 years.

I think it is completely reasonable to make the decision to avoid the funeral for the reasons you have stated. Send your father-in-law a card or something. Don't feel guilty.

[beigeish]

You are not a bad person at all. You can send your condolences to grieving family a different way without putting yourself through the misery of going back to that town & building. No reason to feel guilty for that.

Hugs to you.

Hey, I'm going to a funeral tomorrow for my grandpa...

We don't mind if the in laws choose not to go. We would rather have people there who truly care, not people who feel obligated to go. I'm sure a lot of people attending the funeral feel that way. Your father in law is probably the minortity.

If you don't care (or don't care very much), then don't go.

I know that some of my family members aren't going to my grandpa's funeral tomorrow. One of my cousins has bad PTSD and another cousin is too devastated to go. Others have similar reasons. So, even people who care choose not to go.

I chose not to see my grandfather's body today during the wake. It's not because I don't love him. It's because I didn't want to see him that way.

We don't judge anyone for not attending. We know that everyone has their reasons. Hopefully your family and your in laws feel that way too. Your father in law is just one person

[Ndscisyv]

I don't think anyone should feel obligated to go to a funeral. We each grieve in our own ways. I also don't think that being related gives any special standing towards me. Family doesn't get a pass just by virtue of being related somehow.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks guys. I just never know what the appropriate way to respond is because I have such trouble with human connection and social norms. I probably will not go. I should send my father in law a card though. I just happen to have one that I never sent my aunt when my uncle died. Meant to just...never remembered.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Thanks guys. I just never know what the appropriate way to respond is because I have such trouble with human connection and social norms. I probably will not go. I should send my father in law a card though. I just happen to have one that I never sent my aunt when my uncle died. Meant to just...never remembered.

I would just say somethings like, "Unfortunately, for personal reasons, I will not be able to attend Jill's upcoming funeral on January 1, 2017. I am deeply sorry for this, and please know that I have both you and your family in my thoughts during this difficult time. Sincerely, Wildflowerchild."

You don't need to elaborate much further.

I would just put all that in the card

[~Christina]

Don't feel bad and certainly do not go. I would maybe send a standard "I'm sorry for your loss" type thing , Even that I honestly do not think I could or would do so

If people talk shyt let them do so .. I bet this is a damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Echoing what others are saying, don't go, you're not a bad person by choosing to not go. If going will bring negative feelings to.you, then you have no obligation to go. Hugs to you.

[BipolaRNurse]

This funeral has the word TRIGGER written all over it. Don't go, it's not worth it. You are most definitely not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Take care of yourself! ((((HUGS))))

I wouldn't go, that's for sure. It doesn't make you a bad person to not go-- not AT ALL. And BipolaRNurse sums it up well, and I couldn't agree more. It'd be trigger city. You've worked very hard. There's no reason to risk anything for them! The card? Meh. Send or don't. If you do, there's certainly no reason to do anything more than a perfunctory blah blah blah (there's a better way to phrase that, it's just escaping me atm. ) (Personally, again, I wouldn't bother.)

[Yoda]

I will not say what you should do but based the circumstances that you post I think I would send a sympathy card to the father-in-law and not attend the funeral.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( Wildflower ))))))
It's healthy to take care of yourself!


WC

[hopeless2015]

Hugs! Your a wonderful person!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk

[SvanThor]

I don't think this makes you a bad person at all. I think that you have a right to not be there.