Hopeless Situation

I have a problem. I am lazy, excessively so, but I don't want to be. My apartment is a mess and I haven't washed the dishes in four days. I look around at the filth and promise myself I'll take care of it-and then break the promise. I'm a first semester student at a Caribbean med school (I'm a US citizen) and everyday I tell myself I will study adequately. And then I don't. I got away with it at first in the semester, but the last round of exams went poorly for me. I wanted to go to a US med school, but I couldn't get in because I had the same problem in college-no motivation, no dedication-and it affected my grades. I had a 3.4 GPA in college. Med schools want a 3.7-3.8.

But, the thing is...I HATE being lazy. And I hate myself for being that way. I would love to be the type of person (like my parents) who wakes up at the crack of down and crosses three things off their to-do list before they even leave the house. The kind of student who studies with dedication and passion, until they truly understand and remember the material. The kind of person who doesn't procrastinate (and I'm procrastinating now because I should be studying).

I have NO discipline. I want to be a superhuman achiever, but I can't even do an average job. I dream that one day, I will know what it is like to be competent.

I feel so trapped. I hate myself for being this way. The years are flying by and I am going no where. I'll probably graduate from med school, pass the licensing test, get an ok residency. But I will just be "getting by". I want to be a good doctor. I want to make a difference in the lives of psych patients (I want to be a psychiatrist). I want to be a force for good, a force to be reckoned with. But I am trapped and tied up. I can't escape this.

I have bipolar disorder and ADHD. I can't count on a consistent mood, energy level, motivational level, or ability to focus, which makes achievement difficult. I feel like my brain is just no good. I'm pretty smart, some people even say I'm brilliant. But what does it matter if I am too lazy to apply it?

Every time I try to do work, I feel pain and discomfort. I am addicted to comfort, pleasure, and leisure. I am trapped. I don't want to be lazy anymore.

All suggestions on how to break the addiction are welcome.

My parents were hard workers too and i am not. They worked like peasants from the old country. I like relaxing too. One trick i heard was to set a timer for five minutes and start a chore and tell yourself you'll just do it for five minutes. Most things can be tolerated for five minutes. Then when it rings at five minutes you'll probably feel like carrying on.

I find getting started is the hardest thing but once i've started i get into it and do a good job.

I have a lot of problems with procrastination. I have done very well in my (academic) career, but I know I could be so much better if I didn't have problems similar to yours.

One thing that helps sometimes is to pick a very small task - e.g. respond to a stupid email asking me to give a lecture, that I have been putting off, and just get that done. I force myself to sit and think about what I want to say, and then do it. The key is picking a very very small bite-sized task. If it will take longer than 5-10 minutes, I will find a way to avoid it.

So e.g. say - I will wash one plate in my pile of dirty dishes, that's it. And then imagine how it will take just a minute or two, and it will motivate you to do it.

If you can get yourself to do one task, I think it has a positive effect and can start a little chain of tasks that you start to finish. You must start small - the thought of everything you need to do can be very overwhelming.

Good luck. with school. I am betting you will be a better psychiatrist already for having dealt with these issues.

I am not very motivated to work hard myself. The secret is to make a lot of money so you can pay people to do the things you don't want to do yourself. That said, it doesn't sound like you are really into the idea of being a doctor, so maybe you'd be better off picking a different career entirely. To be honest, considering how averse you are to study and work, I don't think I'd want to be your patient.

You actually don't sound lazy to me at all! Getting through college with a 3.4gpa does not a lazy person make. Maybe you are not as driven as you want to be, but it's not a hopeless situation. Don't compare yourself to others if you can help it. Some people are type A and super driven. It comes naturally to them...it's who they are. Some are type B and need to take things a little less seriously...they naturally have less energy but are still great people.

It sounds like you might be rather hard on yourself. It's good to strive for success if it makes you happy. If it doesn't make you happy....spend some time thinking of things that might.

Good luck on everything!