Beloved ex

cashart10 · Jul 23, 2016, 08:46 PM

So, I have searched for my first love periodically. I have always wondered how she is and how her life has turned out. I have also worried she would think I am a sellout because I married a man and had kids (I identified as a lesbian at the time).

Well, I'm pretty sure I have found her and that she is transgended and identifies as a man. I have contacted the only mutual facebook friend we have and asked if they are both the same person. I haven't heard back, I just sent my friend a message today.

Anyway, we had a deep and passionate relationship and were very in love. If this is the same person, would you contact them? Would it stir too much? I am nervous about it because she was my love and because my husband and I are on the rocks.

Victoria'smom · Jul 23, 2016, 09:05 PM

riffling through past ex's have always caused me trouble. why did you break up? I wouldn't contact her but that's just me.

cashart10 · Jul 23, 2016, 09:36 PM

We were together on and off for about 3 years. The only reason we were ever "off" is because my mom found out about us and did a lot to keep us apart. I was very much still in love when we (well she) decided that I needed to either choose her or my mom. I felt like my mom would reject me for that lifestyle (although I have learned that she would never rejected me even if she diagreed with me). I still wonder about what would have become of us if we had stayed together. But, I do love my my life now.

Victoria'smom · Jul 23, 2016, 10:05 PM

I'd stay away.

cashart10 · Jul 25, 2016, 10:50 PM

Well...I didn't take your advise MM.

I contacted him only to find out that being the difficulty of his transgendered life, he has shut off that portion of his life. He basically said that he has fond memories of me as well but isn't willing or able to have a relationship, whether plutonic or otherwise.

He kept saying my name in every response he'd give me. (IE: Sarah, I have fond memories of us too or Sarah, how are you?

) It just made me sad. Now I have a deeper longing and I know there is nothing I can do about it. I don't understand why I do such things. I didn't need this stress and I wouldn't have it if I hadn't contacted him.

Please someone tell me I'm not an idiot.

Victoria'smom · Jul 25, 2016, 11:01 PM

Your not an idiot.

Your already longing that's why you reached out.

hahayeahtotallylol · Jul 25, 2016, 11:03 PM

I do the same thing, about my future wife.

I wonder what she's doing right now. How she feels. If she knows the things I know. If I know the things she knows.

It's quite mystical and slightly erotic

cashart10 · Jul 25, 2016, 11:28 PM

She was my Kryptonite. In the past, she passed up a relationship with another just to try us again. I guess I just expected something ridiculous in reaching out to her. I am a silly, silly girl.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jul 26, 2016, 03:14 AM

It's so normal to want to know about people we care about, no matter how we know them. And right now it is completely normal for you to seek love or old feelings of love.

The internet has made this possible when in the past we would have had no choice but to drop it. I know that I've used it to seek resolutions over the years to different situations. Sometimes it has been good, sometimes not.

You took a chance, made yourself vulnerable and let someone know you care. what nicer gift can you give really?

Jul 26, 2016, 08:31 AM

I think this is normal but I'd resist the urge to look

Unrigged64072835 · Jul 26, 2016, 03:47 PM

I have an old boyfriend as a Facebook acquaintance. We're not trying to reconnect other than as friends, as we're both married. That being said, it sounds like he answered your question. I don't think it was silly, but he has gone on with his life. You wanted to know that, and now you know.

cashart10 · Jul 26, 2016, 07:12 PM

Thank you for your support. I feel blessed that I found him, that he looks the same as I remember him (plus some facial hair), and that now I can at least see him if I am feeling heartbroken or nostalgic.

Anrea · Aug 12, 2016, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Well...I didn't take your advise MM.

I contacted him only to find out that being the difficulty of his transgendered life, he has shut off that portion of his life. He basically said that he has fond memories of me as well but isn't willing or able to have a relationship, whether plutonic or otherwise.

He kept saying my name in every response he'd give me. (IE: Sarah, I have fond memories of us too or Sarah, how are you?

) It just made me sad. Now I have a deeper longing and I know there is nothing I can do about it. I don't understand why I do such things. I didn't need this stress and I wouldn't have it if I hadn't contacted him.

Please someone tell me I'm not an idiot.

Sweety, you are not an idiot at all. The deepest part of your trust in your husband has been shattered, and you feel terrible pain and confusion - it only makes sense to remember the emotional connection you had with your first love. The love, the trust, the hope, the happiness - all things your current situation isn't offering, and in fact, has done the opposite of by causing havoc to those things.

You have your result. You have been given consideration from your first love - they told you they have fond memories, but cannot move backward to that life again - too many painful memories for them as well. (Not about you, but the circumstances surrounding that time for them). Also, you are at a point of need, and cling - you cannot offer much support to someone, when your insides are so weakened and confused. The idea of turning to another when your marriage is so rocky is understandable, but not advisable. It is just piling more complications onto confusion.

So -

- be happy that you are remembered with fondness. Don't be sad that you contacted them. It was just your emotional loneliness reaching out for human comfort you aren't getting from your husband.

I believe if you stop trying to force your life to fit your mental image, but instead, take care of your emotions - and listen to them - you can begin rebuilding yourself into a stronger, happier you. Just let yourself grow, instead of trying to force yourself to be. I think you might not know how to do this, but it really is simple once we learn how - it is trusting your feelings without berating yourself for what they are.

Live Cash. Live honestly - letting yourself exist as you are meant to be, not as others tell you.

<3

BeyondtheRainbow · Aug 12, 2016, 08:17 PM

Cash-How are you doing? I haven't seen you post in a while.

Aug 12, 2016, 08:21 PM

I was wondering, too! Miss you.

cashart10 · Aug 17, 2016, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anrea

Sweety, you are not an idiot at all. The deepest part of your trust in your husband has been shattered, and you feel terrible pain and confusion - it only makes sense to remember the emotional connection you had with your first love. The love, the trust, the hope, the happiness - all things your current situation isn't offering, and in fact, has done the opposite of by causing havoc to those things.

You have your result. You have been given consideration from your first love - they told you they have fond memories, but cannot move backward to that life again - too many painful memories for them as well. (Not about you, but the circumstances surrounding that time for them). Also, you are at a point of need, and cling - you cannot offer much support to someone, when your insides are so weakened and confused. The idea of turning to another when your marriage is so rocky is understandable, but not advisable. It is just piling more complications onto confusion.

So -

- be happy that you are remembered with fondness. Don't be sad that you contacted them. It was just your emotional loneliness reaching out for human comfort you aren't getting from your husband.

I believe if you stop trying to force your life to fit your mental image, but instead, take care of your emotions - and listen to them - you can begin rebuilding yourself into a stronger, happier you. Just let yourself grow, instead of trying to force yourself to be. I think you might not know how to do this, but it really is simple once we learn how - it is trusting your feelings without berating yourself for what they are.

Live Cash. Live honestly - letting yourself exist as you are meant to be, not as others tell you.

<3

It appears the end of my marriage is absolved. I am trying to close my eyes and celebrate through my tears. He has filed and is going to serve me very soon.