"High Functioning"

Yes, absolutely. I'm technically high functioning in that I can hold down a job, but I'm only managing about 20 hours per week with a couple days off now and then for ECT. In an ideal world I'd be teaching, but I can't see that ever happening again. Every day I go to work I'm reminded that I'm not doing the job I prepared for and things could go even farther south. ...I try to hide from that thought.

I worry about this all the time. I worry that I won't be able to keep working even though we need the income. I worry that I'll deteriorate as a parent and damage my kids or my relationship with them. I worry that if my BP gets harder to deal with, it might drive my husband away. I worry that even though I typically only have suicidal ideation right now and only very rare, sudden impulses to do something dangerous there may come a time when I can't manage those impulses, or they become more frequent, or I may act on them in a permanent way.

But I try to remind myself of my work with my T. She spent a lot of time with me getting me to let go of the constant feedback loop of 'what-ifs' that fed my anxiety like a beast. I have to live with where I am right now. And right now, I'm able to function in my life. I accept that may change, just as I know I will have highs again, and lows after those, and highs, and lows...

Sorry to hear about your job situation and not being able to do what you love. I thank God everyday I'm able to get out of bed and function at least somewhat normally at this point, but I do fear there will come a time when things could change.

I've been trying to let go of past issues that have only fueled the fire so to speak and pretty much gotten me where I am today. I'm trying hard to become more open and honest with my t, but it's really hard right now.

I'm having problems where in therapy and by my pdoc, although maybe they are trying to be helpful by pointing out that I'm working, they seem to use this to dismiss anything else I bring up. Not always, but I just hate when the conversation goes back to the fact that I managed to get a degree and work. My racing thoughts won't stop....the anxiety, the self-hatred, not sleeping, the self-destructive behavior, etc. I'm getting so tired of certain mental health professions continuing to label people "high functioning" vs "low functioning," because this does not encompass the kind of emotional pain someone might be going through and all the problems caused by it. Especially with all the challenges BP poses. In fact, sometimes its the very people who appear to "have it together" who end up surprising everyone when they have a break down or something bad happens to them as a result of their mental health (I've been there before too). I know I work and that I have some skills, but it will never fix what's going on with me on the inside. So many days I just want to give up. Today, I even had to take off, because my mind wouldn't shut off, and I'm overusing my benzos. Rant over.

I have always been high functioning -- able to work, go to school, parent, etc. -- right up until the moments I would crash and attempt suicide and end up in the hospital. My pdoc and T found that to be the very scary thing about me because they knew how quickly I could decompensate. Even if I was able to work, etc., I would also be reporting severe depression and suicidal thinking at that same time; we just had very little warning about when I'd go from thinking to action, and that was the big difficulty in treating me. Pdoc eventually just started being very cautious about my safety when a depressive/mixed episode would set in and admitting me proactively for my safety. Eventually we landed on a good med combination that kept things a bit better under control.

Now I am truly high functioning. I've been in remission for over two years, quite stable, and really very content. I'm not sure what got me to that point except that in therapy we worked really hard on skills to be more proactive myself so my episodes didn't get so severe without earlier intervention. I also think I had comorbid PTSD issues that probably were even a bigger problem than the bipolar disorder, and once I had worked through much of the PTSD-related issues, my mood was less frequently triggered and my episodes were less intense because my PTSD didn't get triggered at the same time as my bipolar symptoms.

I have been high functioning except for infrequent episodes that lasted several weeks. However, the last couple years were tough and cost me two jobs. I then was unable to work. That is when I applied for SSDI.

Tucson