I've been debating this for a while, and I was hoping you guys could help me out...

So as some of you know, I'm not open about my BP. I haven't even told my parents because they're so mean when they talk about mental illness.

A good example is the time I was in the hospital for throwing up blood and I had a full-on panic attack. My dad got all pissy because the hospital had to inject me with Ativan via IV. He told me "stop that stupid anxiety attack ****".

They've also said some cruel things about BP, like the fact they think BP people should be locked away for the rest of their lives to ensure general public safety, or some BS like that.

But anyway, that's not the point.

I want to tell my parents that I struggle with depression, but I do NOT want to come out as BP to them -- at least not at this point. I'm afraid of how they'll react when/if I tell them I struggle with depression. I mean, my dad already doesn't like when I have panic attacks.

Do you think it's worth telling them about the depression? If so, how would I bring it up? I know they're very anti-MI to begin with, but it would be nice to change their minds... or is that wishful thinking...

[Daonnachd]

It sounds like they're pretty set in their opinions, at least your dad is. I would expect depression to be met with "Pull yourself out of it!" or some such.

[Daonnachd]

Thinking about this as you're going forward with it, I think starting with an explanation of what you hope they get out of your explanation of what's going on for you. Then go to the biochemical balance of the brain and its influence on how we see and interact with the world.

I would just hope that they better understand what you're going through and respect the effort you expend in living a healthy life in pursuit of stability. In fact, in your position, that's what I'd ask of them - better understanding.

[VerMOZZica]

I would also be wary of telling your parents.It sounds like they are pretty much set in their ways.If your dad thinks you can pull yourself out of a panic attack he might think you can do the same thing with bipolar disorder.I can imagine that it`s difficult to have to hide it from them.Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[bizi]

Could your mother be more sympathetic to your condition if you shared with her. You could approach her with the fact that you know your dad is not supportive of you and that you hope she could be open minded about what you were about ready to tell her.
Then tell her your struggles with depression.
bizi

[jpb4815]

I dont now if this is any help Blue, but I came out to my dad a vietnam vet who thought that every adversity in life should just be "toughed out" like a marine. I guess because of his undiagnosed PTSD or maybe just because I was his little man still. He got it. he still made terribly inappropriate comments about nutjobs after the fact, but he always caught himself and apologized to me. I knew that while he accepted me, he probably did not like it. But in the end he still loved me, I did it more for me then for him and I am glad that I did, he died about 2 years later. I do have a sense of peace about our relationship, but I was not living with him at the time, I may not have done it had we been living under the same roof.

[Unrigged64072835]

This is a tough one, because once you let that genie out the bottle there's no way it's going to go back in. Is it going to make it harder for you to stay in the house? Are you willing to deal with the fallout, if there is any? There's no way of knowing how this is going to go so you might want to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

[JustJace2u]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I support you in whatever you decide to say or do.

[letsgogh]

I would consider if a negative reaction would destroy you. If it would leave you distraught, I don't think I'd tell them. If you could bear a negative reaction, then maybe I'd do it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think that since you live with them telling them might be a good idea actually. It may be hard and you may get some comments you don't want but what if at some point you need hospitalization? I hope you never do but that would be a very, very difficult point to just be revealing the illness for the first time (I know because while I lived away from my mom I was told that in one week I would be admitted and I had to ask her to take care of my cats. Then I wasn't admitted but had told and while I've heard some dumb comments and one person in particular in my family doesn't get it at all, at least I never worry about when I have to tell what.)

There also was a time that my therapist pushed very, very hard for me to bring my mom in to talk about suicidal ideation. When she first heard me say I was at risk she told me I was not. I had been very suicidal for many months and had been hospitalized with a plan. So we had a therapy session about how that part of my life is handled but that she needs to know about it. (Because I live beside her and she helps me as needed).

You don't have to say that much. But just so that you don't wind up in a weird place in the future I would find a way to say something.

They may even know something already. Plenty of people did about me and I was quite good at hiding it most of the time. I think some people are just sensitive to MI and pick it up more easily and are more empathetic than others.

after my experience, i'd not suggest it

but all families are diffrent and if you do decide, i wish you luck with it

[Wild Coyote]

Sometimes we have strong opinions on a topic until it affects someone we love.

Quick story:

Years ago, a friend of mine, someone prominent in state politics, was running for an seat in the State House of Representatives. We'd met for lunch and she was telling me about her "party platform," stating she was going to stick to the platform and had added: one of her personal goals was to decrease medicine/drug coverage to those ppl not working.

Huh?

She knew I was medically disabled. She also knew I was single at the time.
She knew I'd struggled to get by.

I'd asked her if she really felt that population needed to have funding cut? She'd answered with a firm "Oh Yes!"

I had then asked her if she'd ever be in favor of anything that made it impossible for me to have the meds I'd needed?
She'd answered with an emphatic "No!"

I then told her I was in the group of people in which she was proposing funding cuts. She looked like she'd fall out of her chair.

Once she'd realized her platform would affect people she'd loved, she'd changed her mind.

It's easy to have lots of opinions on certain topics when we don't put a face on the group we speak against. It's more difficult to stand behind our own rhetoric when it hurts someone we love.

Blue, maybe you can start some general discussions about depression and feel them out?

I am both hopeful they will support you and concerned your dad may stay with his stance.

Only you know what's best. It surely would be nice if you could tell them and get more support.


WC

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Sometimes we have strong opinions on a topic until it affects someone we love.

Quick story:

Years ago, a friend of mine, someone prominent in state politics, was running for an seat in the State House of Representatives. We'd met for lunch and she was telling me about her "party platform," stating she was going to stick to the platform and had added: one of her personal goals was to decrease medicine/drug coverage to those ppl not working.

Huh?

She knew I was medically disabled. She also knew I was single at the time.
She knew I'd struggled to get by.

I'd asked her if she really felt that population needed to have funding cut? She'd answered with a firm "Oh Yes!"

I had then asked her if she'd ever be in favor of anything that made it impossible for me to have the meds I'd needed?
She'd answered with an emphatic "No!"

I then told her I was in the group of people in which she was proposing funding cuts. She looked like she'd fall out of her chair.

Once she'd realized her platform would affect people she'd loved, she'd changed her mind.

It's easy to have lots of opinions on certain topics when we don't put a face on the group we speak against. It's more difficult to stand behind our own rhetoric when it hurts someone we love.

Blue, maybe you can start some general discussions about depression and feel them out?

I am both hopeful they will support you and concerned your dad may stay with his stance.

Only you know what's best. It surely would be nice if you could tell them and get more support.


WC

Thanks for your response

It's tough to tell with my parents... There's a 50-50 chance they'll be understanding.

What concerns me is how my dad reacts toward my panic attacks. He flat out doesn't like them and basically wants me to "just get over it". He thinks I over-exaggerate... but it's not intentional.

The other problem -- which I didn't mention -- is that my parents don't know how to shut up sometimes. They literally have no censor. For example, if something super embarrassing happened to me, they would tell EVERYBODY. For example, if I **** in my pants, the next day they'd be talking to someone and say, "Yeah, my daughter wasn't having a good day yesterday because she took a massive **** her pants. The godawful stench nearly made me faint. So gross!"

So that's a big reason I don't even want to mention BP. They'd tell EVERYONE that I'm BP. I mean, my dad literally just says anything. For example, my dad's old boss had adopted a daughter a while back, but the girl was 5 at the time and didn't know she was adopted. Well, he went around telling everyone she was adopted! (This was years ago obviously.)

[Wild Coyote]

Your concern is warranted.
I am sorry it's such a tough decision.

I have the same problem with my family-of-origin.
It stinks because we really could use some understanding and support.


WC

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I have an idea! Ever seen Steel Magnolias? You can do what Clairee said her nephew did (well your variation). Her version of the details about her nephew:

"Marshall without so much as a hello says, "Mama and Daddy. I have something to tell you. I have a brain tumor. I have three months to live." Well, naturally Drew and Belle became hysterical. Then Marshall says, "Hey folks, I'm just kidding. I'm only gay."

Your version:
"Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you, I have a brain tumor. I have three months to live. Just kidding I just have Depression.".

Ha! Ok, seriously, what about your mom? Would she be sympathetic. I also like the question LetsGogh had. Can you handle whatever their response is? In other words can you deal with the chances of it being negative and not letting it impact you mentally and emotionally? If no, then I probably wouldn't tell them. Hugs to you!!!

[Rjaye]

Is there a reason you need to discuss this with your parents?

I like the advice others gave you. You need to decide what you want from your parents when you tell them about your depression. Do you want support? Do you want understanding? Or do you just want to let them know that this is what you have and they can accept it or not, just so they know that this is what you know you are dealing with?

It might be worth asking the more sympathetic parent to go with you to your therapist to discuss your illness and to possibly educate that parent.

Maybe you could talk with your therapist to plan how to talk to your parents about your illness, and how to handle the various possible outcomes and how you can deal with those situations.

it's tough to be in that situation. I was there myself a long time ago. My solution was to leave and develop my own support system. I hope you don't have to do that if you don't have to.

Good luck, Blue.

[scatterbrained04]

If it were me, I wouldn't tell unless I was truly prepared to receive a bad response like you fear.

Sent from my LGLS990 using Tapatalk

Thanks for the responses everyone

I want my parents to understand what I go through because it'd be nice for them to be supportive and for them to basically stop triggering me. I also hate it when they hurl insults at people with MI, as it makes me feel bad about myself.

While I would love to bring them to therapy with me, they already make fun of therapy and I don't think they'd take it seriously. They would literally say something like, "Ummm... Okay...Why do you want us there? Why do you even go to therapy in the first place?" They just like to question everything I do.

Maybe this is all wishful thinking...

[Wild Coyote]

You are handling your challenge of bipolar illness in very constructive ways -- with a pdoc and a therapist.

It would be nice if you'd get some support from your parents, instead of being questioned as though you don't know what you are doing.

Do you think either parent will listen deeply to you and take whatever you share into consideration?

Think about the characters involved:

For instance, I know my mother would tell the world, each time she shared, she'd preface her sharing with, "Just between you and me..." She would do this with everyone she met up with, including her hairdresser. She would then blame everything on bipolar, lol! If I merely assert myself in a casual manner, it would become a "bipolar behavior." Very tiring. Not supportive.

With my in-laws, we know we can share sensitive info with "mom" and she will not discuss it with "dad," nor anyone else. We'd decide if "dad" should know and if we feel he can show sensitivity to the topic or not. If he's told, I am usually the one talking because he can be very difficult. I am one of the few in the family able to handle him if/when he gets out-of-hand. He can more easily emotionally devastate his blood children, silencing them. In short, we know how parents are most likely going to act.

It's important you "know" your parents and if you truly feel you can share with one or both.

Vertigo gave excellent advice. It's important you know what you want from them and that you clearly ask for what you want/need if/when you talk with them.

It's a tough one, Blue. You love your parents and could benefit from their understanding and support. (((( Blue ))))


WC

@Wild Coyote:

I don't know if they'll listen deeply to me -- that's my concern. There's a 50-50 chance they will listen to me. Otherwise, they'll probably tell me that I need to learn how to stop being so moody etc etc. I mean, my dad already told me I "need to learn how to stop having panic attacks". (Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.)

I don't know if my parents would be like yours. While I definitely think my dad would tell the whole world about my depression, he might also add that I'm "young and naturally moody"... or something like that. Then he'd blame everything on me being "immature", not on BP or depression. That's the thing.

If my efforts to get through to them fail, they'll probably start harassing me, telling me to "grow up" and such. "Don't blame 'depression' on your behavior", blah blah blah. "It's not depression if you stop thinking it is." But if I succeed, then they'll be supportive and nice to me, and they'll stop giving me a hard time about everything.

What I want to tell them is:
Sometimes I'm not talkative and I stay in my room all day because I'm not feeling well. I'm not trying to ignore you or the world; I just need my alone time. And it upsets me when you harass me about staying in my room all day, or harass me about stupid little things that I'm not in the mood to do, for example, "c'mon, why don't you go spend time with your friends? you haven't done this in a while. how come you don't do it? why? why not? why why why why why" WELL I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. "why is that? c'mon, go makes some friends. why don't you do it? why why why why why". I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO DO IT. "then stop being so moody. why are you so moody? why why why why why? stop being like that. that's why you have no friends."

I'm not trying to be an asshole or be snappy with you. I literally just feel like **** and want to be left alone. I want you to respect that. I also want you to be supportive and not question everything I do or question my true feelings. Being supportive means you leave me alone when I ask you to, and it also means you stop badgering me over things that you clearly know don't matter.

I also want you to stop accusing me of "over-exaggerating" things, and "faking" things. For example, panic attacks? I don't do that on purpose, so leave me alone about it. If I'm depressed, I don't do it on purpose, so leave me alone about that too. It's not something you can just "snap out of", so don't just assume that I'm being "moody" or "immature".

I'm not the kind of person who wants to talk about my depression when I'm depressed, so please don't ask me "what's wrong" or "why are you being this way"? I'm not trying to be cold. I just don't want to talk about it, which is why my idea of being "supportive" means leaving me ALONE.

[Wild Coyote]

Excellent!

Would they read pamphlets or other written info.?
(In an effort to educate them?)

[p00dlez]

Personally I think it depends on the parents. My dad was abusive and if he were alive NO WAY would I have told him anything about my MI. He would have just said something horrible to me (he always had something horrible to say to me anyway) so I would have never told him. Its not like he would actually care, he made it clear he didn't want no God **** kids all of my life so no way would I have told him. My mom if she was alive I would have told her. She suffered from MI and I really think she would understand.

I guess just prepare yourself incase it don't go how you want it to. Its hard to change the minds of people who are set in their ways. I wish you luck.

@Wild Coyote:
They might.

The problem is that I'm concerned they'd still think people with BP should be locked up for the rest of their lives. I'm also concerned they'd think depressed people can just "snap out of it".

Seriously, they're like this with politics. They come up with their own beliefs about someone or something, and even when they're proved wrong, they don't accept it. I don't get it.

The hard part about educating them is getting them to trust me.

@p00dlez:
Sorry your father was that way.

You and everyone else are right that I should mentally prepare myself in case this plan doesn't go the way I want it to.

I'm kinda at the point where I'm saying, "f**k it. I'm just going to tell them."

I might just do it tomorrow.

I'm going to assume they'll be complete jackasses about it. I mean, I suppose I have nothing to lose. If they think I'm an exaggerator or a liar, they'll probably just get pissed at me for 1 day and then forget about it. Lol.

Now to sum up the courage...

[OctobersBlackRose]

Personally I'd be wary, very wary of telling them, I don't think you'll be able to change their minds especially if they're set in their ways about MI, I don't mean to sound negative, it's just my personal opinion on the subject.

But if you I insist on telling them.I wish you good luck and I'm sending you positive vibes.