[searching4732]

After a manic or hypomanic episode, how do you deal with feelings of guilt over your behavior during that time?

I made some pretty bad life choices during my last hypomanic episode that definitely hurt my husband. At the time, I "knew" (cognitively) that what I was doing was inappropriate and that I was in a hypomanic episode and shouldn't act on the impulses I was having... but I justified it to myself and I did anyway. (Because I was hypomanic, obviously...) Now, I can feel myself cycling into a depression, and I feel like a total sack of s*** over some of the things I did. So much guilt, shame, anger at myself... how do you guys do it? How do you live with the guilt?

Personally (and this is just me), I tell myself, "What happened happened. I can't change the past, but I *can* change the present."

Of course I will still feel a bit guilty (I think we all would), but we all make mistakes and we all learn from those mistakes. So please don't beat yourself up for it. It may help in the future to have friends, family, or *someone* to talk to during a hypo/manic episode. Even talking to someone online counts! Don't be afraid to reach out to someone and tell them what you plan to do.

---

Whenever I hurt someone, the best I can do is apologize for my actions, admit that I know what I did was wrong, and accept full responsibility. The person I've wronged may or may not accept my apology, but I figure apologizing is always worth a shot. (Better to apologize than to not apologize at all.) I also reassure the person that I will take preventative measures to make sure this doesn't happen in the future.

I'm sure you've already done the above, so you should consider it an accomplishment for being mature about it and doing whatever you could to rectify the situation. It's tough, but you should remember that it wasn't really "you" who did these things. So give yourself distance.

[Wild Coyote]

I take full responsibility for my actions, as laid out very well by blue.

I then practice self-compassion.


WC

[raspberrytorte]

Oh man. All of my really bad episodes end bad, usually with me in the hospital after an overdose, except for this recent one. So I always feel really guilty and ashamed.

So, I've never done anything completely awful during an episode since a lot of what I experience is internal, but it just always ends bad and I end up really hurting my family and over my summer episode completely ruining my life.

I don't know how to get over it in all honesty. I'm still working on that.

Hugs, searching.

[xRavenx]

I can completely relate to you. ((HUGS)). I found from my experience that time heals. There are people in my life who have forgiven me for things, and there are people in my life who may have not fully forgiven, but forgotten things. As time goes by, people will notice positive changes in yourself since you've learned from them and that you are not defined by your mistakes.

All you can do is take responsibility, but after you do so, just focus on moving forward and don't try to over analyze things or replay mistakes like a record in your head. I know it's easier said than done, and I've been there many times before. However, this approach has helped make things easier.

Also, be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. None of us our perfect, and living with Bipolar Disorder is hard. I sometimes find inspiring self-help videos online or read. That's something that helps me at least.

[Theseus]

Originally Posted by searching4732

how do you guys do it? How do you live with the guilt?

I don't handle it very well at all. There are things I can't forgive myself for. Rather, and to be perfectly honest, I won't forgive myself. I feel I need to live with the guilt as punishment for what I did. This is a metal pipe I use to beat myself up with because I believe I deserve it. The irony is that I was forgiven unconditionally years ago. But I still carry it with me because I am afraid of myself, afraid of doing those things again. Among all the things I've talked to my therapist about, I have never uttered a word about the things I feel guilty for. I'm sure that's not healthy, but there you have it.

Well, you did ask.

[Unrigged64072835]

I do feel guilty at times, but I'm working on forgiving myself and hope that others have forgiven me.

[searching4732]

I think part of my guilt comes from the fact that, yes, while I acknowledge that some of the choices I made during my last hypomanic episode were inappropriate, unhealthy, and hurtful to others... I also miss how great I felt at the time. I do want to live a healthy, balanced life where I am content and sharing that contentment with my loved ones. But compared to the rush of hypomania, a stable, "balanced" life feels so... dull. I love feeling hypomanic, while I'm in it. But I recognize that those episodes are very few and far between and that's not "me," and it's not "reality." So while I regret the hurts that I may have caused... I still miss the feeling.
I think that's where most of my guilt and inner conflict comes in. I'm truly sorry for the hurts I've caused. I don't want to continue to hurt anyone. But a little piece of me... would go back and do it all again. Just for that feeling. The feeling of being alive, and so vibrant, just for a little while.
For me, that's the worst part of this disorder. Acknowledging that the times in my life where I have felt the most creative, brilliant, beautiful, seductive, capable and powerful... are just symptoms of an illness.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

[RomanJames2014]

Eat, cry, eat, repeat