Newly Diagnosed and in Denial

So, I have long suspected that I've had some kind of cyclothymia or bipolar type II. I'm a psych nurse (undoubtedly drawn to the profession by my own issues) so I have a pretty clear picture of a lot of mental illness and its symptomology. I've always avoided being actually diagnosed though, for various reasons. Pride being a big one of them.

Got an actual diagnosis today though, from a registered psychologist. Bipolar II. I don't understand how all at once I'm not surprised, but also I am devastated.

I'm re-evaluating almost all of my major life choices and how they've been influenced by a hypomania or a depression. How unstable my moods really are. What a strong family history I have (mother, father, brother, all with psych diagnoses). Somehow though I have always just had this idea that I'm too high functioning to warrant an actual diagnosis. This last summer has been a **** show for me though, brought on my a pretty serious episode of hypomania, resulting in some bad choices.

I came home and just cried. Maybe I should feel better? Like my issues and mood swings aren't entirely my fault? But I just feel like a failure. My whole outlook on the rest of my life has been turned around. I don't even know if I want kids anymore... I certainly don't want to be the kind of parent that my mother was, and I don't want to pass on my mental illness genes to any children.

Sorry guys, my head is in a really weird place right now. I don't even know what to do or think.

How were you first diagnosed, and how did you cope with it?

A new diagnosis can cause a tailspin, for sure.
If/when you accept the diagnosis, you may have periods of wondering if it's correct, while also settling into life with it.

I have several diagnoses, as I have autoimmune illnesses. The BP-2 diagnosis came much later and after a lot of suffering with long, paralyzing, atypical depressions. My hypomania and mixed episodes had started during recovery from a traumatic brain injury. Since BP-2 treatment has helped, I am relieved to have the diagnosis. (I recall stress-induced hypo when I was much younger. It had then disappeared for years. My longest psych DX is c-PTSD).

When we suspect a BP Dx for awhile, even years, it's less of a surprise; yet, the confirmation might cause a bit of an adjustment reaction.


WC

When I was diagnosed I was actually so glad. I had been through a year of really poor treatment by a pdoc who thought that it was impossible to be able to work in healthcare and have bipolar, much less severe bipolar, so she kept treating me with drugs that made things worse.

I really already knew what was wrong and the diagnosis just verified it. I had figured it out a few months before and knew my therapist agreed. I knew that it was going to change my life and that certain parts of my life were different forever. I had decided some time before that if I was diagnosed with anything similar to my father I would not have children. I think some people are fine with that; I had a very strong family history besides him and knew genetically it was fighting some bad odds and that I personally wouldn't be a good parent with the particular symptoms I had.

The pdoc who diagnosed me is a specialist in bipolar and I think part of the reason I felt good about the diagnosis is that I walked out of there knowing a good bit about MY disorder and prognosis and what he thought would help treat me, although he felt that at that point in time I wouldn't achieve a prolonged remission. So far (12 years) he's been right although right now is the best I've ever been.

I was able to go through the overwhelmed, surprised, denial part of it all before I was truly diagnosed so that all did happen, but before it was certain.

I seem to be constantly sending people to this website the last few days but PsychEducation | Treating the Mood Spectrum was/is very helpful in understanding it all, particularly for bipolar II. I'm BPI and get a lot of it so I'm sure it's really great for the people it's intended for.

I was just diagnosed in May and am still feeling exactly what you're feeling. I have good days and bad days. The last 2 days thus far haven't been ideal and I have been really sad, depressed, feeling lonely and even some SI's in the mix. It kinda sucks. I started seeing my current pdoc in February, had some psych testing done in March and got my official BP2 diagnosis in May.

When I was first diagnosed I didn't care. I thought they were wrong anyway. I was diagnosed after zoloft made me hypo. I thought it was a zoloft side effect.

However, January before last I had a mixed/psychotic break episode, and after that I cared! I was so mad! I spent about a month after getting out of the hospital just raging about it, desperately trying to figure out what had happened, and if you can have a manic psychotic episode and not be bipolar.

I was furious.

So anger, denial, that's what I experienced.

Now I'm okay with it. Well, I'm not okay with having this situation obviously, but if I'm not a bipolar I have no idea what's wrong with me, because obviously something is.

So, I understand feeling denial. I think that's probably normal.

Hugs.

It'll get better!

My very first diagnosis I didn't believe and ignored it and continued to partaaaayy!!! I was 19, I didn't care! But eventually everything caught up with me and I took it seriously many years later. Everything made sense and I was grateful to finally know why I was the way I was because for years I wanted to know why I had to live like this. Things have calmed down so much since then. It's shocking at first, but med management and relapse prevention are important tools that have helped me drastically. And we're all here for support with any questions and/or concerns you have.

For years I knew something was wrong with me. I was diagnosed after an 8 day stay in a mental hospital.

I remember calling my ex wife and telling her to come and remove me from this hospital. I told her that the other patients I shared the floor with were crazy, but nooooo not me. I felt awful later on for saying that after I got to know the others. I was in denial, even though I was off the chain.

There's good time and bad times, but these are the cards I have been dealt with and I have to play them. Sometimes I get a winning hand, and sometimes I get a real loser.

You will adjust over time. This illness doesn't define who you are as a person, and it doesn't make you a failure.

I didn't even know I was diagnosed until I was IP a couple of years back. My pdoc then said she wasn't concerned about the diagnosis, just treating the symptoms. I had a bad depression, anxiety and PTSD for years. I guess I felt kind of relieved, because it made sense. I suppose it would be harder if my family had it. (I seem to think my dad may have had it but was undiagnosed.) I don't want to be like anyone in my family, but that's neither here or there. I do hope you'll improve and life gets better for you.

Thanks everyone. It does help knowing I'm not the first (or last) person to feel this way. And thanks for the website link, BeyondtheRainbow-- it is helpful for sure.