[bizi]

I feel there are several areas in my life that need fixing. I have been thru therapy before, been there done that.
I feel like my bipolar is out of whack but don't want to change meds nor mention it to my pdoc.
I feel like I have obsessions, extremes.
organics, excesive internet usuage, increased alcohol consumption, spending too much on food and eating out. worried about our future, over all health, lack of exercise stamina (my calves are sore from going to the concert!), our house is old, waiting for the shoe to drop.... avoidance of showering cleaning myself, lack of desire, motivation to clean my house, work in the yard, feel very lazy. I am feeling very old, my life is stuck in this pattern/rut. I worry about being able to love people....
maybe I am just a narcisist.
I am sounding depressed....
therapy , done that before doesn't seem to help with my issues.
It is expensive and insurance doesn't cover it. already pay out of pocket for pdoc.
started reading a book on codependants, will see if that helps.
Trivia tonight, art walk tomorrow night. I don't work tomorrow so that gives me time to do other things...like what? I like working as it gives me something to do, a purpose. I feel useful. I enjoy my work for the most part and get good feed back from my clients. I think I do a good job with them but am avoiding my paper work again, I already chart less than I should. Not getting doctor orders like I should, no one inspects me and it was a PITA trying to get orders, doctors don't want to give them to me. I just decided to stop getting them. My life has become sedentary. I sit most of the day and then sit on the computer for hours going from one forum to the next to face book email etc. I started posting on this forum because the other one wasn't enough support.
pleasure seeking, risk taking, depressed sounds like a mixed mood right?
bizi

UGH! I really need to get into that shower!
Happiness is a decision right?
Isn't that what I always say..... __________________

[Gabyunbound]

No, I don't think happiness is a decision one can take. It's about the right meds, and all of the stars lining up right. I'm glad you have things to do to distract you. I'm sorry therapy is so expensive and hasn't helped in the past.

You do sound depressed or at least very sad and worrying about a bunch of things --so do you find yourself ruminating? That 's where the distraction comes in.

I hope for you that the other shoe doesn't drop. Maybe you can head this off before it gets any worse. It sounds like you're very aware of your issues and that you sound like you're doing the best you can to help yourself

Best of luck in not falling lower. Again you sound so aware of your issues, and this is the first step, that and destracting yourself, doing what makes you feel better. You're no narcissist, you're just reflecting on what is making you sad and pleasure-seeking at the same time. I think you can be both with it being depression and not a mixed episode, but not sure. Best of luck in heading this monster off!

[bizi]

Thank you so much for replying.
I appreciate your feed back.
got in the shower heading late to work but I called them so they know that I am running behind.
I hope you have a nice day!
bizi

[hopeless2015]

Oh bizi I'm sorry your struggling right now but it sounds ds like you are very aware. I was stuck for months to and honestly therapy is what helped me. I know it's not for everyone though. Hugs

[Wild Coyote]

((((( BIZI )))))


WC

[searching4732]

Sounds kind of like a mixed state. My last hypo lasted maybe 2 weeks? Then a mixed state for another few weeks before depression... mixed states are always the worst for me. When I'm hypo I'm so happy and full of motivation; when I'm depressed I just don't care; when I'm mixed I care so much about everything but everything seems too overwhelmingly difficult to fix and it all bothers me too much and my emotions are all over the map... it's hard.

Sending hugs to you.

[Coffeee]

My heart goes out to you in your struggles bizi, it does sounds like depression if you lack motivation. For me mixed is also with anxiety and restlessness. Which if you're worried about all those things it sounds like you might be having. Maybe for your sedentary worries you could go on more walks? A daily one perhaps? That might help with motivation. Anyway, lots of hugs for you! And my legs get tired from standing at concerts too and I'm young

My recommendation is to look at your calendar and schedule in everything you have coming up. Include everything even if it is stuff you do regularly. Try to fill up a few holes - even if it is just promising yourself a walk. I think the idea is that if you have commited yourself to something it is easier to stay motivated. This really helped me this summer with my own motivation problems.

[Fuzzybear]

[Skeezyks]

Hello bizi: The Skeezyks doesn't really have anything in particular to offer. I'm just stopping by to leave my best wishes.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with motivation. I do hope your mood picks up again soon.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I hope.things start getting better for you soon. Hugs

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Bizi,

I have a few more minutes to respond now.
You had written about the support here, which had caused me to try PC and I am grateful to you! The other site has lovely people there, just not enough support there for me, too. I think you know how I feel about you.

Although I am feeling better than I was, I feel I am in a kind of "limbo," on the edge of both hypo and depression.

I can relate to your description.

I know you don't prefer talking with your pdoc; just wondering if a med adjustment might help?

I wish this was about simply choosing happiness. We can do some things to try to influence mood; yet, there are many factors involved.

I'm just "awakening to" several major elements in my life that have needed attention and I have been blinded to them. It feels a bit overwhelming to "discover" these now, knowing they've been allowed to "slide" for so long now. yet the sooner I get a handle on them the better! However, knowing this does not help the immense inertia I feel, wondering if I can face it all and have the motivation to attend to it all, even if taken step-by-step.

I certainly feel for you!


WC

[bizi]

Thank you all for your lovely support.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[bizi]

Well Jeff and I just got out a meeting with a financial advisor.
We have to change the way we are living.
We are in no way shape or form to be able to retire at the rate we are going.
Our goal retirement date is set at 2033.
We will both be eligible to retire at the age of 67.(though we will probably be working longer than that.)
That is 17 years away.
So we have time to make some corrections.
We are going to look at a budget which we have never done before.
It will be very interesting to see....
We both have retirement accounts but are not enough.
So we are getting a late start but at least we are talking about it!
bizi
I am all worked up over this....we make too much money to not have more in savings. It is a shame.

[xRavenx]

Lots of hugs, bizi. I hope you begin to feel better soon. I notice that you have a lot of insight, which is a great strength. Take care of yourself and try not to overwhelm yourself. Just one day at a time, they say.

I'm not a doctor but I go through what you've described and you sound classically depressed, which means trying to think your way out of your rut might only lead to more frustration and a deeper sense of failure. Can you tell your pdoc that the drug cocktail he has you on isn't working? Would you consider ECT? The financial planning that you and your husband are doing is very prudent, however terrifying the economy of the future may seem (I handle the finances for myself, my wife and her mother, who lives with us, and I worry about money all. the. time.) and maybe you can get some satisfaction from staying within budget or meeting goals or devising a new strategy to protect your retirement. Have you applied for SSDI and Medicare? Bottom line, after 25+ years as a certified bipolar patient, I don't believe that a depressed mind can magically conjure up enthusiasm, motivation, or excitement from a diseased state; your best bet is to try a different therapy (med monotherapy, med combination, ECT, endorphin boot camp, etc.) or wait until you are triggered or naturally progress into the high-energy part of the disease cycle (which will eventually end, and you get to start all over again, maybe worse). I take 1800 mg of Depakote every night, which is a lot of potentially poisonous anticonvulsant, and I still cycle and make my wife's life really challenging, and even with all that medication, I still get really depressed.

Bruce Springsteen sang "Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny." The chemicals and strategies that we're using right now to fight bipolar will seem like pretty blunt tools a hundred years from now.

[bizi]

Thank you lefty,
I think that I run hypo. My doctor thinks I am under medicated.
I think so too.
But she doesn't know what to do with me.
sigh
I am trying to think up a new medication regime that is weight neutral.
I have already gained 23 pounds since november due to over eating and drinking fattening beers. Last night was the first alcohol free day in quite a while.
This lack of impulse control screams hypo to me. I was sneaking drinks in the middle of the day. Which is not like me.
got to sleep at 11pm last night and up at 5;45, almost 7 hours which is enough.
I have a good self employment job. It is low stress.
Thank you again lefty for writing to me.
bizi who is on the computer for hours on end.....