why is it so hard?

i am trying so hard to be good but i am having A LOT of trouble taking my medication only i dont know why i just keep getting freaked out and i cant take it like i start having a panic attack i keep thinking it is going to hurt me but i am also scared the doctor suggested injections instead of tablets and i really dont want that but i dont know what to do i am so tired and i want to cry i am trying so hard but i cant even manage doing one thing.

Dear Eden1515,
Your mental health issues are distorting your thinking. If you take your medication and keep talking to people about your worries, it will slowly get better. I find that when I am freaked out or having panic attacks, it helps me if there is someone I can talk to who understands. If you can learn to trust the people helping you, it will help you relax. Once you relax, you will be less tired. And it is OK to cry. Or maybe you are frustrated that you can't cry. That happens to a lot of people. Sometimes I wish I could cry about about the bad things that have happened to me, but I don't. And if I did cry, that would be OK. It is all OK. It will get better. It seems like you are already a little better.
You have already managed to accomplish alot because you are trying to get better and you are still here. We are glad that you are still posting. Taking medicine will make it so that you have panic attacks less frequently. If you take your medicine, talk to people and post here, there is a good chance that you will keep improving. I hope you keep improving. Sincerely, Myst

i couldnt take the meds again tonight that is 3 days in a row i am trying but failing everything is so hard

I could tell by your posts that you were not taking your meds.maybe the injectable would be best for you.
It also sounds like your OCD is at play here, you say it is severe.
They make medication for this it is called luvox.
How often are you going to therapy?
Try to talk with your mother about what is happening to you.
bizi

i am trying to take it i just cant but i dont know why it could be the OCD but idk the injectable would not be best at all i cant do that i am going to therapy once a week. i cant talk to my mum about this i just cant.

does your mother take interest in you?
Do you have brothers or sisters?
any pets to love and care for?
Do you drive?
Maybe there is a drop in center you could go to to meet some more people who know what it is like to struggle with mental illness.
Are you going to share with a friend or two of yours what has been going on before the gathering next month?
bizi

my mother tries she just doesnt understand. i have 2 sisters and we have a lot of pets. yes i drive and there arent really drop in centers where i live. i am going to talk to a couple of friends but i dont know how to start that conversation.

I made this suggestion before to you:
Tell them that you have something very important to tell them. You could even text just that one liner to them and ask if they could talk on the phone sometime, when they had a few minutes to talk.
Do they know that you were hospitalized?
That is the first thing you could tell them about.
Bizi

no they do not know about the hospital i just feel like i would need to tell them in person but idk

every one texts these days.
Don't tell them about your hospitalization by text just that you want to talk with them sometime on the phone or in person. At their convenience.
This will let them know ahead of time that you have something very important to tell them.
bizi

i guess so

Dear Eden1515,
Are things any better today? Where you able to take your medicine? I understand why things are hard, you mental illness is making everything harder. I am proud of you for trying. If you haven't taken your medicine, tell the doctor. The injections will be OK. I think Bizi is right. If you have a kind friend, tell them that you were hospitalized. When I talk or write about troubling things, I worry about them less later. So please keep posting. Myst

i havent taken it today either my caseworker knows though she was not to happy about it. things are better today but i am a bit hyper although now i am angry because of something my sister has done.

mixed moods unmedicated are awful.
Get back on your meds. Maybe one shot a month is not too much to take for your sake and for your families.
bizi

but if it was an injection i would not be able to get it out of me if i needed to that would make me very desperate to do something bad and that would just make things worse.

I promise that injections do not stay in your bloodstream long. Your body breaks them down the same way that it metabolizes the medications that you swallow.