Paranoid...

Or terrified. You tell me. I am terrified something catastrophic will happen. I have a sense of impending doom warning me that I am certainly going to die. I know that I am getting worse. What if my mind is gone forever. I convinced myself that if I stabbed myself in the stomach I would live but be able to stop moving. I was medicated enough not to do it. I am once again afraid that my pdoc will come in this site and find me and think I'm an idiot. I'm Fraid that terrorists are after my city next. That I am going to die. That I will be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I feel so unsettled. There is a wave of evil covering me. I don't think I can do this. I am afraid to get out of bed to get my kids ready for bed. I'm afraid if what I will find.

Do you feel safe tonight?

Not tonight. No.

My mom told me to try breathing exercises. I did. And I prayed and I sang hymns. The panic remains. The terrifying thoughts still hold strong. I have no idea what to do. Mom said to call doc first thing in the morning but I'm considering the on call doc. Would you wait ?

No...I would not wait a second if I had thoughts of stabbing myself in the stomach....I would not wait another moment. I think you should call right this very second.

I paged the doc on call. Waiting for a call back.

You did the right thing. You are strong but it appears you need some extra help right now. (((Hugs)))

Am I going to be okay?

If you get help, I really think you will be. You just need a little help right now to feel safe again. (((Hugs)))

Doubled my klonapin and doubled my ap. said to call back if I don't fall asleep.

I hope it works and fast. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

Go to EPS please

If the increase in meds doesn't work, please go to the ER tonight. If they do, please call your pdoc first thing in the morning. I know what it's like to feel surrounded by evil --it's so utterly terrifying. You need a break from the terror (sleep) and help from the ER (tonight) or from an emergency visit to your pdoc tomorrow (if you can stay safe until then). I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Please do whatever you can to stay safe. I'll be thinking of and pulling for you.

Thank you all. I was able to sleep and woke feeling much better. Hopefully I'll stay on this path. My mom has banned me from caffeine and all things stimulating and I'm trying to practice deep breathing and calming meditation before I get so worked up again. I hope, I really hope, I can come down from this cloud soon. It's no fun anymore.

I hope you have a gentle landing when you get off that cloud. I'm glad you are feeling better today and hope it continues to get better and better.

I hope things settle down for you soon.

Thank you both. I guess a good night's sleep wasn't in order...I just got some. I did wake up feeling much better but that didn't last. My 8 year old is here so I am trying everything not to scare her to death. I started checking my mail over and over again instead of pacing. Since she was in the other room, it worked. I talked to my mom again sand she told me to take another klonapin and take a walk. I did and admittedly felt better. Didn't last long. My pdoc called me back she's adding Seroquel for now and probably another mood stabilizer, probably depacote (boo). She said the Seroquel should work by the end of the week and that at that time I can slow back down on the Klonapin. She told me I can take as much of that as I need but not to exceed 4 MG. I hope the landing is soft too. I won't survive another of those depressions and even if I do, my marriage certainly won't survive.