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  #1  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:48 AM
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Wander Wander is offline
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This evening I saw my pdoc. I have been very suicidal to the point of a plan. He talked with me for some time and assessed I was not an imminent threat so instead gave me 20mg of Olanzapine and 2mg of Clonazepam to calm me down. If that doesn't work I will be given more, and if that does;t work I will be put on one on one supervision then transferred to a locked ward.

I am so scared of my mind. i can't write much now as i struggle with words but I really need some encouragement. I am in the depths of darkness and can see no way out. On the weekend I was euphoric manic. Wish I could be that way forever as it kept me safe. Now I am not safe.
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  #2  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:56 AM
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I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Good for you for being honest with him. Hope things get better without the locked ward.
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  #3  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:59 AM
Unrigged64072835 Unrigged64072835 is offline
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Sorry to hear you going through that pain. Hope things get better for you soon.
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  #4  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 08:13 AM
hopeless2015 hopeless2015 is offline
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I'm so sorry...sending hugs!!
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  #5  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:05 AM
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Sorry you are going through this. I know when you are depressed it's hard to see things getting better but hang on it usually turns around at some point. Sending hugs and wishes for better days.
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  #6  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:13 AM
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I'm glad your IP. Hopefully the meds work and you wont be transferred.
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  #7  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:32 AM
Anonymous59125
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It's a good thing you are IP. They will get this figured out for you. I am so very sorry you feel so low right now. I'm sure the contrast from before makes it even more difficult. Stay safe and we are here if you need us. (((Hugs)))
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  #8  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:55 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear, I know you've been struggling for so long. I truly hope the meds work for you and give you some relief. It's good you didn't discharge last week during your mania. I'm glad you are somewhere safe. I'm sending you hugs and positive energy and I hope so bad for you that things improve soon.
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  #9  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:37 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Thanks for the support everyone, I really need it as I feel so alone i my hospital room. Apart from my parents no one has visited me in 13 days. My 'friends' just don't care or don't get it. Today I want to die, the pain is unbearable...but I will resist the urge and take the large doses of Clonazepam and Xyprexa they are giving me. I can stop welling up with tears. This needs to stop, the mental state I am in, as it is too powerful for me to fight for long.

Odd thing is, I don't really feel depressed. Ohh, I am so fed up trying ti figure our where i am on the BP spectrum. I am basically in the middle of the ****ed Zone. Who cares anyway as long as my dr can treat me. His plan is to hit me hard with meds for a few days and hopefully shut down the angry, vengeful, grandiose, delusional, crazy wild-eyed part of me. We hope I will then be back to 'normal' and can heal from there. Right now I don't care but I do hope progress can be made. My doctor has hope for me, my T has hope for me - I hold none.
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  #10  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:42 PM
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bless your heart my dear.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi
we have hope for you too.
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lamictal 2x a day
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fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





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  #11  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:55 PM
Anonymous41403
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So very sorry you're struggling so much. I'm so glad you're someplace safe tho. Please hang in there. Thinking of you.
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  #12  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 07:55 PM
Anonymous59125
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander View Post
Thanks for the support everyone, I really need it as I feel so alone i my hospital room. Apart from my parents no one has visited me in 13 days. My 'friends' just don't care or don't get it. Today I want to die, the pain is unbearable...but I will resist the urge and take the large doses of Clonazepam and Xyprexa they are giving me. I can stop welling up with tears. This needs to stop, the mental state I am in, as it is too powerful for me to fight for long.

Odd thing is, I don't really feel depressed. Ohh, I am so fed up trying ti figure our where i am on the BP spectrum. I am basically in the middle of the ****ed Zone. Who cares anyway as long as my dr can treat me. His plan is to hit me hard with meds for a few days and hopefully shut down the angry, vengeful, grandiose, delusional, crazy wild-eyed part of me. We hope I will then be back to 'normal' and can heal from there. Right now I don't care but I do hope progress can be made. My doctor has hope for me, my T has hope for me - I hold none.
(((Wander)))
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Wild Coyote
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  #13  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 08:13 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Is any one up to chatting on PM? I need some distraction
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"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
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  #14  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 08:34 PM
Anonymous59125
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I would say yes but I'm heading to nap again. I should be up soon though. (((Hugs)))
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  #15  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 09:22 PM
Anonymous41403
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I would say yes but I'm getting ready to make dinner soon. I can later tho.
Thanks for this!
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  #16  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 09:30 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Okay, I will be able to chat for hours except for the times I see a nurse. PM me anytime. No pressure though.
__________________
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD




"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
Thanks for this!
bizi
  #17  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 09:59 PM
hopeless2015 hopeless2015 is offline
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Things will get better for you I just know it!! Sending big hugs!
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  #18  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 10:03 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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((((((( massive hugs )))))))
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  #19  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 10:51 PM
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bizi bizi is offline
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Hey wander. have you checked out the chat rooms here? there are usually people there night and day who want to chat. I hope you will visit them.
bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day
haldol 2x a day
cogentin 2x a day
klonipin , 1mg at night,
fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





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  #20  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:00 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
Hey wander. have you checked out the chat rooms here? there are usually people there night and day who want to chat. I hope you will visit them.
bizi
Thanks for the idea.. I have never used the chat rooms
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Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD




"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
Hugs from:
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  #21  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:11 PM
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bizi bizi is offline
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are you still on ritalin?
bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day
haldol 2x a day
cogentin 2x a day
klonipin , 1mg at night,
fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





Hugs from:
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  #22  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:16 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
are you still on ritalin?
bizi
Yes. My dose was halved from 60mg-30mg a day when I came into hospital.

Why?
__________________
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD




"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
  #23  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:21 PM
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DelusionsDaily DelusionsDaily is offline
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My understanding is that it can much like antidepressants in that it can trigger mania.
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  #24  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:36 PM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily View Post
My understanding is that it can much like antidepressants in that it can trigger mania.
Yeh, I thought that too but I have been on it for 4 months with no issues. he reduced the dose as a caution and I am not sure why he kept me on some. i guess to help me concentrate and not be so distractible. The plan is to increase my dose back up once I am stable.

He took me off Cymbalta though as he thought that may have triggered the mania/mixed. That was the most likely culprit.
__________________
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD




"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
Hugs from:
Wild Coyote
Thanks for this!
bizi
  #25  
Old Nov 16, 2016, 11:37 PM
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bizi bizi is offline
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I think I would ask to be taken off the ritalin.
bizi
__________________
lamictal 2x a day
haldol 2x a day
cogentin 2x a day
klonipin , 1mg at night,
fish oil coq10
multi vit,, vit c, at noon, tumeric, caffeine
Remeron at night,
zyprexa,
requip2-4mg





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