[boogiesmash]

I was fine for the lost part of my day off. I cleaned a bit watched tv read and now in the parking lot of the gym after working out for past hr and half. I had a couple triggers at the gym. First I saw myself in the mirror and it almost crippled me how much I have gained and how my muscles seemed to be hiding. I almost cried. Went back on the elliptical and was watching some rerun and it showed a couple kissing and I started to feel depressed and closed my eyes while I was on it because I'm sure I would be crying. Hell im crying a bit in the car. Then I bought of New Years and my birthday which is New Year's Day and started to feel horrible. 3 years ago I was in so much emotional pain I tried to od. It made me think of how this year is going to be. No girlfriend still fat out of shape broke and feeling a bit defeated. This feeling I'm having now is a fraction of the feeling I had nye 13 into 14. How do you fight these triggers.

[boogiesmash]

Anybody up for a chat I'm feeling so devasted frustrated and depressed

[Wander]

I can chat for about 20 mins unless my pdoc comes

It takes a lot of time to get back in shape and the older we are the longer it takes. Personally, I wish there were hardly any mirrors at the gym, yoga studios, etc. -- ignorance can be bliss while it lasts and reality sucks! Stay committed to the fight! Never miss a day (working out). You will get there eventually.
Plus, are any of your meds making the fight harder? If there are, is it possible to change?
I am female but when I was single, I was definitely asked out more when I was in shape. I feel more confident about how my clothes fit when I get my weight closer to where it needs to be. I think confidence makes it easier to connect with other people.
So keep up the good work, working out. You can do it! It just takes time.

[Wild Coyote]

It's tough!

We can ignore weight gain and deconditioning or we can face it and do our best to get to work on improving ourselves.

Depression, as we all know, can suck the life energy right out of us and we can feel overwhelmed and powerless.

I am currently working on walking, after 3 years using a wheelchair or crutches due to severe medical conditions.
I am devoted to keeping my regular walking schedule, even when I truly feel like staying home. (I was told I would never walk any distance again.) I am now walking 2 miles a day. I am also in PT twice a week. It's all been very painful, yet I was in severe pain anyway -- so why not endure the pain of becoming more fit?

I have been walking a lot at a mall and can see my reflection in every window front. This motivates me. I have work to do and this activity can only make things better.

I am looking forward to starting an upper body strengthening program this winter (soon).

This work helps me to take my diet more seriously. I endure some serious pain in PT and in walking. I also devote time -- every day. I don't want to sabotage my efforts by poor eating habits.

Will this cure all of my issues? No. No. No.

Yet, it is one area of my life where I can do better. Doing so helps to keep me more motivated, overall.

I can get overwhelmed and not see any sense in trying if I focus on every area/issue where I feel a deficit.

I try to keep my focus on each moment of each day.

How am I choosing to spend my time in each moment? Self-improvement or self deprecation and further self-sabotage?

Am I keeping my commitments to myself today?
Am I doing my best today?

Will I do my best tomorrow? I hope so, yet do not yet know for sure. I will try to stay on the path of simply doing my best moment-by-moment.

Admittedly, it's all a lot of work!
Yet, what else do I have to do? I can try to improve my own life or I can ignore my needs and continue to rapidly deteriorate -- on all levels.

What length would I go to help a friend in need?
I need to show at least that same level of commitment to my own welfare.

Do I feel overwhelmed, even suicidal, underneath it all? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I am choosing to do my best despite those feelings. I am doing the opposite.
I really feel meds have helped, too, by the way. My PT/trainer is also adding some encouragement. Honestly, I still feel overwhelmed and, most often, hopeless. (I am hoping this investment in lifestyle change will have both short-term and longer-term gains.)

There are some areas in life where we seem to have less overall control.
There are some areas of our lives where we can exert more control and can have a positive impact upon that facet of our lives.

It's tough, indeed, grueling in fact, when feeling truly overwhelmed -- I also feel disheartened, hopeless, overwhelmed. I hope to keep doing it despite the physical pain and the strong feelings to the contrary..



WC

P.S. It's a difficult row to hoe, no doubt.
I am sorry you don't currently have a special relationship, a girlfriend.
I am married. My many conditions -- both physical and psychological -- create significant challenges to my life. My husband is supportive and helpful. Yet, it's work! We have to be as intentional about our relationship, each day, as I am about exercising. He feels more hope when I am taking actions which give us some hope. I was disabled before I was married. He was attracted to my positive attitude and humor, etc. I believe we draw people into our lives according to our "vibration" of a sense of hope, etc. I also believe we can make it difficult for people to get close to us if/when we are feeling constantly hopeless and acting accordingly. My marriage would totally die out if I did not, somehow, engender a sense of hope despite the challenges. I do not always feel like saying something optimistic or even following through on exercise, etc. Yet, it's a commitment to myself and to my marriage, in that it also gives my husband some hope. We must be there for ourselves before we can be there for another. I hope you do find true love soon in your life. This may sound like a trite pep talk. Please let me assure you it's not. it's all a lot of dedication to "doing the opposite" with depressed, hopeless feelings. It's a lot of work.

sorry you are feeling so bad.

we all have those triggers that just get to us before we can even blink

I know looking at myself is 1 for me too

and seeing people enjoy themselves

I will say what we dread to hear but, once I made the effort, it has worked quite positively for me. Get active both physically and socially.

Mysterious was right about the mirrors at the gym. It is bad enough I worry about people looking at me; it is even worse that I must look at myself.

I walk a lot (5-10km every other day). I may not have lost weight but all that walking has in fact changed my body for the better. I am emotionally healthier too. People comment that I smile now.

I have also made a real effort to be assertive when it comes to aquaintanceships. I still don't have more than a few close friends (my fault I think it is a trust thing) but I have put myself out there and don't wait for people to talk to me. It is often I who does the inviting for coffees, etc now. It was really hard at first.

Finally I have made promises to myself regarding my use of social media. I have struck off my lists anyone I don't know personally. This alone has forced me to get out there and find real acquaintances. It also means the time I spend online is now limited. I now use the phone to talk more often than text or use social media. This has all increased my social life too and has resulted in me feeling a great deal better about myself.

[TishaBuv]

I don't do well at gyms because I compare myself to others and get triggered. I suggest you play at something you enjoy for exercise where you don't think but just have fun while moving.

[boogiesmash]

F m l. To make matters worse my employer messed up and I'm not getting my full check this week. My bank account is at -1900 dollars.

[boogiesmash]

So depressed and pissed off right now. The payroll department screwed something up and half my check won't be coming in. The earliest is December 9. How the **** am I suppose to make it till then with a negative bank account. And during the holidays too. It's like the universe is trying to kill me. Wtf am I suppose to do now.

[boogiesmash]

I don't know if I'm gonna make it.

[boogiesmash]

I'm not gonna have a girlfriend, won't be able to get my niece her present, going to have to pay bunch of overdraft fees, going to be alone thanksgiving and New Years. Look like s hit. This is getting too much. I can't f ucking take it.

[JustJace2u]

I have always had a struggle with my weight but it seems moreso in the last year and a half or so since I really started on my downward spiral. Like alot of people I'm sure, I use food to suppress my emotions, but unfortunately for me it's not always healthy food.

Have you thought of everything that you can to make extra income? For instance:
https://bookscouter.com/ (checks if anyone will buy your books),
Decluttr | Sell My Stuff | Sell Stuff Online | Decluttr (buys DVDs, CDs, etc.)
donate plasma, participate in medical studies (I test contact lenses), gigs on Craig's list (I did a focus group about a trial once).

When companies mess up your pay, it sure makes you hate them, doesn't it. So sorry about your stress.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's tough!

We can ignore weight gain and deconditioning or we can face it and do our best to get to work on improving ourselves.

Depression, as we all know, can suck the life energy right out of us and we can feel overwhelmed and powerless.

I am currently working on walking, after 3 years using a wheelchair or crutches due to severe medical conditions.
I am devoted to keeping my regular walking schedule, even when I truly feel like staying home. (I was told I would never walk any distance again.) I am now walking 2 miles a day. I am also in PT twice a week. It's all been very painful, yet I was in severe pain anyway -- so why not endure the pain of becoming more fit?

I have been walking a lot at a mall and can see my reflection in every window front. This motivates me. I have work to do and this activity can only make things better.

I am looking forward to starting an upper body strengthening program this winter (soon).

This work helps me to take my diet more seriously. I endure some serious pain in PT and in walking. I also devote time -- every day. I don't want to sabotage my efforts by poor eating habits.

Will this cure all of my issues? No. No. No.

Yet, it is one area of my life where I can do better. Doing so helps to keep me more motivated, overall.

I can get overwhelmed and not see any sense in trying if I focus on every area/issue where I feel a deficit.

I try to keep my focus on each moment of each day.

How am I choosing to spend my time in each moment? Self-improvement or self deprecation and further self-sabotage?

Am I keeping my commitments to myself today?
Am I doing my best today?

Will I do my best tomorrow? I hope so, yet do not yet know for sure. I will try to stay on the path of simply doing my best moment-by-moment.

Admittedly, it's all a lot of work!
Yet, what else do I have to do? I can try to improve my own life or I can ignore my needs and continue to rapidly deteriorate -- on all levels.

What length would I go to help a friend in need?
I need to show at least that same level of commitment to my own welfare.

Do I feel overwhelmed, even suicidal, underneath it all? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I am choosing to do my best despite those feelings. I am doing the opposite.
I really feel meds have helped, too, by the way. My PT/trainer is also adding some encouragement. Honestly, I still feel overwhelmed and, most often, hopeless. (I am hoping this investment in lifestyle change will have both short-term and longer-term gains.)

There are some areas in life where we seem to have less overall control.
There are some areas of our lives where we can exert more control and can have a positive impact upon that facet of our lives.

It's tough, indeed, grueling in fact, when feeling truly overwhelmed -- I also feel disheartened, hopeless, overwhelmed. I hope to keep doing it despite the physical pain and the strong feelings to the contrary..



WC

P.S. It's a difficult row to hoe, no doubt.
I am sorry you don't currently have a special relationship, a girlfriend.
I am married. My many conditions -- both physical and psychological -- create significant challenges to my life. My husband is supportive and helpful. Yet, it's work! We have to be as intentional about our relationship, each day, as I am about exercising. He feels more hope when I am taking actions which give us some hope. I was disabled before I was married. He was attracted to my positive attitude and humor, etc. I believe we draw people into our lives according to our "vibration" of a sense of hope, etc. I also believe we can make it difficult for people to get close to us if/when we are feeling constantly hopeless and acting accordingly. My marriage would totally die out if I did not, somehow, engender a sense of hope despite the challenges. I do not always feel like saying something optimistic or even following through on exercise, etc. Yet, it's a commitment to myself and to my marriage, in that it also gives my husband some hope. We must be there for ourselves before we can be there for another. I hope you do find true love soon in your life. This may sound like a trite pep talk. Please let me assure you it's not. it's all a lot of dedication to "doing the opposite" with depressed, hopeless feelings. It's a lot of work.

You are so inspiring WC. (((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

I'm not gonna have a girlfriend, won't be able to get my niece her present, going to have to pay bunch of overdraft fees, going to be alone thanksgiving and New Years. Look like s hit. This is getting too much. I can't f ucking take it.

That is a lot to hit you all at once. Have you ever been through something similar and gotten through it? (((Hugs)))

[Treyfrancis21]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

I'm not gonna have a girlfriend, won't be able to get my niece her present, going to have to pay bunch of overdraft fees, going to be alone thanksgiving and New Years. Look like s hit. This is getting too much. I can't f ucking take it.

Although I haven't experienced the exact same scenario you are in, I have had many of those same problems at once. I know all to well the way you seem to be feeling about yourself. I don't really have any advice other than keep trying and remember that beating yourself up for mistakes and ****** life circumstances isn't going to make anything better. I am rambling, but wanted to let you know someone cares and to thank you for your contributions to this safe place on PC.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

That is a lot to hit you all at once. Have you ever been through something similar and gotten through it? (((Hugs)))

Not all at once.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's tough!

We can ignore weight gain and deconditioning or we can face it and do our best to get to work on improving ourselves.

Depression, as we all know, can suck the life energy right out of us and we can feel overwhelmed and powerless.

I am currently working on walking, after 3 years using a wheelchair or crutches due to severe medical conditions.
I am devoted to keeping my regular walking schedule, even when I truly feel like staying home. (I was told I would never walk any distance again.) I am now walking 2 miles a day. I am also in PT twice a week. It's all been very painful, yet I was in severe pain anyway -- so why not endure the pain of becoming more fit?

I have been walking a lot at a mall and can see my reflection in every window front. This motivates me. I have work to do and this activity can only make things better.

I am looking forward to starting an upper body strengthening program this winter (soon).

This work helps me to take my diet more seriously. I endure some serious pain in PT and in walking. I also devote time -- every day. I don't want to sabotage my efforts by poor eating habits.

Will this cure all of my issues? No. No. No.

Yet, it is one area of my life where I can do better. Doing so helps to keep me more motivated, overall.

I can get overwhelmed and not see any sense in trying if I focus on every area/issue where I feel a deficit.

I try to keep my focus on each moment of each day.

How am I choosing to spend my time in each moment? Self-improvement or self deprecation and further self-sabotage?

Am I keeping my commitments to myself today?
Am I doing my best today?

Will I do my best tomorrow? I hope so, yet do not yet know for sure. I will try to stay on the path of simply doing my best moment-by-moment.

Admittedly, it's all a lot of work!
Yet, what else do I have to do? I can try to improve my own life or I can ignore my needs and continue to rapidly deteriorate -- on all levels.

What length would I go to help a friend in need?
I need to show at least that same level of commitment to my own welfare.

Do I feel overwhelmed, even suicidal, underneath it all? Yes. Yes. Yes.
I am choosing to do my best despite those feelings. I am doing the opposite.
I really feel meds have helped, too, by the way. My PT/trainer is also adding some encouragement. Honestly, I still feel overwhelmed and, most often, hopeless. (I am hoping this investment in lifestyle change will have both short-term and longer-term gains.)

There are some areas in life where we seem to have less overall control.
There are some areas of our lives where we can exert more control and can have a positive impact upon that facet of our lives.

It's tough, indeed, grueling in fact, when feeling truly overwhelmed -- I also feel disheartened, hopeless, overwhelmed. I hope to keep doing it despite the physical pain and the strong feelings to the contrary..



WC

P.S. It's a difficult row to hoe, no doubt.
I am sorry you don't currently have a special relationship, a girlfriend.
I am married. My many conditions -- both physical and psychological -- create significant challenges to my life. My husband is supportive and helpful. Yet, it's work! We have to be as intentional about our relationship, each day, as I am about exercising. He feels more hope when I am taking actions which give us some hope. I was disabled before I was married. He was attracted to my positive attitude and humor, etc. I believe we draw people into our lives according to our "vibration" of a sense of hope, etc. I also believe we can make it difficult for people to get close to us if/when we are feeling constantly hopeless and acting accordingly. My marriage would totally die out if I did not, somehow, engender a sense of hope despite the challenges. I do not always feel like saying something optimistic or even following through on exercise, etc. Yet, it's a commitment to myself and to my marriage, in that it also gives my husband some hope. We must be there for ourselves before we can be there for another. I hope you do find true love soon in your life. This may sound like a trite pep talk. Please let me assure you it's not. it's all a lot of dedication to "doing the opposite" with depressed, hopeless feelings. It's a lot of work.

Thanks. It is inspiring and thank you for sharing. I had a real crappy day read your post and making the decision to self improve. Yes it is hard especially when hopeless but have to push through. Thank you again for sharing.

[boogiesmash]

Made it to the gym.

[boogiesmash]

So talked to my mom she is spotting me the money and cooking for me. So rent is taken care of. Now waiting on my friend who is spotting me 209 bucks for gas and necessity. It feels having a good support group.

[Wild Coyote]

I truly feel for you.

I do understand, at least to some degree. In the past, I have had to live on very little money and never knew how I was going to pay the bills. When first disabled, I had sold everything I could sell, just to try to pay the bills. Once I won disability, I tried to live on 60% of my pay (calculated over 30 years ago).
It was very difficult and there were many additional unforeseen hardships. Life was so frustrating!

As you know too well, living under frustrating circumstances can easily engender more frustration and more depression.

As I have mentioned, I am now married. My husband makes a decent living.
We've both had many medical needs the past 3-4 years and our insurance coverage is not anywhere as good as it used to be. Our medical costs are creating very real hardships. Mine are, especially.
I feel helpless and hopeless. We'd have better coverage if we divorced.

At the same time, I am going to keep up with my daily exercise and other goals as much as possible. Something is going to change sometime. No matter what, at least I'll be able to walk and will be more fit.

I am walking in the malls because its free (and I can watch the daily changes at the mall through the holiday season). I did speak with the membership manager for the nearest health club and he has offered me a free month of use of their track, in order to see if I like it. He then offered me a partial membership for $25.00 a month, each month (no pre-paid lump sum). Most people pre-pay $600. -$800.00 per year, per person, in a lump sum, for memberships. The winters are brutal here and I am trying to find options for keeping my exercise as a priority. You might find some support at you gym (even lesser fees) if you talk with the people/person with the power to make concessions for members in need?

Please know I do understand and am sorry for your circumstances.
I hope your circumstances change pronto. In the meantime, try to keep your eye on the prize? Keep your priorities in order? It will help you to make it through the toughest times.

I am very concerned about you. Ongoing, severe frustration can bring us to a breaking point. Reach out as much as possible, in search of support. Don't give up.

I am thrilled to read you have found some support from your mother and from a friend. It's important we find the support around us. Support helps us to shore up our sense of inner strength.


WC