I am a defective product

if I were born on an assembly line...the sirens would have started blasting and the men in hazmat suits would march as soon as I hit the quality control section. The men in their suits would remove me instantly so I don't infect the other more perfect specimen. At worst I would be chucked into the incinerator and terminated immediately. At best someone would see that while I might not be shiny enough for public consumption on a mass level, I perhaps am good enough to be of some worth.

I was chucked out into this world in all my flawed and defective glory. Like a teddy bear who is missing an eye and someone hot glued a button in its place. It's not perfect but someone will love and cuddle that Teddy Bear more because it has flaws than they would if it were perfect. In fact, some people might find the flaw charming and adding character. My husband chose me with all my flaws. Friends have chosen me despite my obvious defects. I get dirty looks sometimes by those perfect specimen without defects. They wonder why I ever made it to the market in the first place. I don't want to belong with them or by them. They have enough and don't have room for me.

So I'm defective but okay because I find more value in the people who value those of us who are damaged. It's easy to love "perfect" but it's more meaningful when you see the perfection in the defective. At least for me. My husband is defective and it's the defects I love most about him. So it's all going to be okay.

(((Hugs)))

Very well put. I'm glad you are able to see how valuable you are.
I have often felt defective, but I am not yet to the point where I see the beauty in it. All I see are the flaws that have made me unlovable to others. I have no friends because I don't have the consistent energy to keep them. I have a boyfriend but I keep ruining our relationship and he understandably doesn't seem to want a future with me. It's hard to see the good in that.

Elsa: That was a great read.

Faltering: I'm in the same boat, minus the boyfriend. Don't know how I let this happen.

(((Hugs))). I will be your friend. It's taken me a long time to see things as I do. I still feel I'm too sick for general public consumption. That I should be kept away from the decent folk If you will. But I'm finding so much beauty in my fellow sufferers that I can't help but to be grateful that I am allowed to see beauty where others find nothing redeemable or worthy. I hope you someday can also. (((Hugs)))

At my therapist appointment last week the therapist asked me how I deal with my emotions and issues. I told her all the things I do, including writing on a psych support forum. She said "that's a great idea and it's better than running around in public talking about all these things". As per usual, I left the appointment feeling very good but then something always starts nagging me about the things other people say. Was she implying I'm not healthy enough to be amongst the average people? That who I am and what I choose to talk about are just unacceptable for "normal folk". My husband said she likely meant nothing by it. It was a benign statement but was it really? It has some implications and I've decided to tell my therapist it made me uncomfortable. I'm trying to get out there in the world and feel comfortable doing so. Now I feel I'm only good enough to hide behind a screen.

I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm opinionated, I don't respect people who assign themselves as an authority over others, I speak my mind and have unpopular opinions. People HATE me sometimes....which is usually okay because once I get to know them I rarely like them either. This is life....we like some people and dislike others. What I respect in a person other people find vile. And vice versus. But at least m honest about who I am. I don't hide my true self for fear that some may not like me. I used to and that experiment failed. But now I'm told not to talk about my real self in public. And most people agree with this so we all pretend to be something we are not and when we get into our homes the mask comes off, we chuck our shackles and bras and breathe for the first time since leaving the house. And this appears to be normal, and I don't understand and might never be able to.

I think your husband was right, that it was a pretty benign statement from the therapist. There is an inherent safety in the anonymity of this board - we can be ourselves without fear of the (very real) repercussions there can be in the real world if we let it all out. It's the reason there are HIPAA laws, and even stricter controls on psych records. It's really nobody's business but ours and those with whom we choose to share.

The ability to be real here, among fellow sufferers, has given me the ability to express things I usually keep from even my wife. It's not that I wouldn't tell her, it's just that she gets tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again. She can't understand - by nature of not going through MI herself - that there are times when I process things by looking at them from a slightly different perspective, or even the same way as I live longer and am a slightly different person. She's the most understanding person I know, but without the same base of knowledge that we have about the ins and outs of psychiatrists, therapists, psych wards, etc....there's no possible way to relate fully. She knows _about_ all these things, and knows them as thoroughly as she can after being married to a BP for 14 years, but she and I will never be able to relate on an experiential level.

The real world isn't an appropriate place for all of the things that are discussed here, if only for the fact that others have no way to relate. I've come to realize over the years that those of us who are in the system have had to learn an entirely new language to navigate the ins and outs of MH treatment. This became quite clear to me when I had my father sit in on one of my psychiatrist appointments. When we left he said, " It was a good experience to be there, but when you started talking about meds, you were speaking a foreign language."

Anyway, enough from me. If the statement from your therapist bothers you, then you should definitely bring it up to her and get a true understanding of what she meant. If you want my opinion (I know you didn't ask for it), there's probably no need to be offended or upset. It's OK if you are, but it's also very likely she was making light of the situation and had no ill intent behind the words.

Be well. You're not a defective product any more than someone who has cancer is defective. It's the way the world is, we were born into it (not by choice), and it's on our shoulders to make the best of it. From all I've seen you have gone to great effort to make the best of your life so far, and you've certainly made life better for countless others on this board whom you have supported. Thanks for being around.

ElsaMars,
You are one of the most interesting and creative people on PC. This post paints your feelings so eloquently. Once you said in a post that you thought you were a bit "off", I said to myself, "that describes exactly how I feel among all sorts of people (neighbors, in-laws, etc.) ever since my attempt. When my T says things, I am always reading between the lines. For instance, she always says, "are you taking your medications" then "don't stop taking your medications." I always think to myself that she must think I am really "off" if she is so concerned about me not stopping my meds. Anyways, thanks for expressing a lot of the things that many of us feel in such a beautiful way. You make PC a better place!

I wish I had your strength. Thanks for sharing

EM, You sure do make PC a better place. I know what you mean, I think, about being 'defective'...I often feel the same way. I don't see you as defective, though...I see you as outstanding. Colorful, like an expressionist painting.

Your therapist's comment was kind of strange - but, honestly, she probably didn't mean much of anything. You know, how sometimes people just say something, off the cuff.

(((Hugs))). Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.

Another doctors appointment I had was when I was delusional and sure I was going to be a victim of an acid attack. I'm often agoraphobic but I can usually gather enough courage to open the door or get my mail but I went through some months where I could not. I started carrying vinegar around as I was under the assumption the vinegar would neutralize the acid. I told my doctor this and they got very uncomfortable and huffy and said "we need to increase your medications immediately, we can't have you running around throwing vinegar on people, you'll be arrested". I didn't respond and just let them up my medications but my question is, how is it acceptable for them to assume I would throw vinegar on someone. The vinegar was for myself! They implied I was violent and abusive without any evidence or indication. This is not a smart person in my opinion. This person should have been written up for even insinuating such a thing about me without a smidge of proof or evidence.

I really feel that I cannot wear a mask in public as I'm expected to do. I see the world differently and must live in my truth. My only hope for redemption is to work in a field where I can use my weaknesses as strengths. This is possible for some lucky people so why not me? I'm not exactly sure how to do this yet, but I feel my future survival depends on it. I know it won't be something everyone responds to or needs, but it's what I need and I know I'm not alone. Not everyone can understand our illness but when we are quiet about it, we don't give anyone the chance to even try. I want us to be able and free to be our authentic selves. I want those perfect specimens to continue being who they are. I want the same rights. (((Hugs)))

That is very touching, ElsaMars.
I'll have to read it all again at home, because I started tearing up, and don't want to cry on the bus(!) ( ..any more than is strictly necessary anyhow )

But till then... do you know the tv show Fringe? The episode "Anamoly XB 6783746" told just how important the supposed "defects" of the anamoly are to humanity. Just sayin'.

Sorry to be the chemical engineer around here, but vinegar is an acid. It's a dilute mixture of acetic acid, and would do nothing but make your acid attack worse. You'd be better off carrying around a can of baking soda - that would neutralize the acid.

That is very helpful information. I was rather delusional and certain the vinegar would save my life. Hopefully I don't need the baking sofa but will carry it around when it is helpful to do so. And I promise I won't go shaking it on strangers and passer by's.

There is perfection in imperfection

This is very touching and made me tear up! Yes, when they get really on me about taking my medication I worry I've been honest with them and they are using unnecessarily sometimes too. I lived decades while kinda actively delusional on and off. I did very well on paper. Inside I was undeniably a mess and hanging on by a thread but I know those moments and I know to ask for help when I have the symptoms. Why don't they just trust me more? Or should they? Should I be trusting myself less? Maybe, maybe not. I'm conceding to their opinions currently but could change course. I've committed to 100% med compliance and stand at about 75% of the goal. It's an improvement.

you are a lovely lady.
((((((HUGS))))
bizi

And so are you Bizi! (((Hugs back)))

Everyone on this forum is lovely ��

[QUOTE=JustJace2u;5385746]Everyone on this forum is lovely ��[/QUOTE

This is very true. (((Hugs)))

Happy thanks giving elsa
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Happy Thanksgiving Bizi

I'm spending the day with my parents, children and grandparents. It's a fun, nice but stressful time for reasons I prefer not to discuss. But I'm thankful!

I hope you have some nice plans for the Holiday too.

----response, I,have often seen you give very sound advice on this forum, being the rock for others. Please dont think,of yourself as defective. We are challenged. My husband has a lot of serious health problems, he is challenged also. But yet we wouldnt call him defective. Let's not play into the stigma that is so prevalent that we are lesser people. That just isnt true. Because we have suffered, many of us are more sensitive and caring than others and each of us has other special qualities. Give yourself a spa day or at least a little treat that you enjoy. The holidays and the literally dark days of winter are so hard on us
That it is definitely time to pamper ourselves. Hugs, babe. If you were here id take you for coffee and some fun. Hugs!

I wish we could have coffee! A PC Bipolar coffee and tea party sound lovely too.

I hope nobody feels stigmatized by my post. Perhaps I am stigmatizing myself but this is how I feel right now. I feel defective. In the future they will probably be able to fix defects like mine with gene therapy in vitro. Something which requires correction is defective. I'm learning to accept my limitations and wish to use my weaknesses as strengths. I'm physically and mentally disabled and this surprisingly does come with some rewards. My husband is physically and mentally disabled but he agrees we are part of the defective crowd. Challenged, sick, broken sometimes, cracked like an old porcelain doll. But not worthless....not even less than the perfect specimen. Just different.

When I made the post I was feeling very sad but very grateful. I was thinking about WC, here on PC who seems like such a fantastic, amazing person. I was thinking of Wander who is going through so much but is such a pleasure to talk to and get to know. I thought about all my PC friends (I hope it's okay to call you all friends....in some ways you don't know me but in many ways you know me better than most). Being defect free does not make someone better....just different. I wish I could get rid of most of my defects but a few of them I would prefer to keep under all circumstances.

Sorry for all this talk about defects. That is just how I see myself but certainly am not saying anyone else should see themselves this way. We should all see ourselves in a way which will maximize our happiness. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for saying I often give sound advise. When I was first on PC I used to have a waning in my signature about taking the advise I give with a grain of salt because I probably didn't know what I was talking about. Sometimes I'm very sick and don't know what I'm talking about. But I began to see that I offered what I believe to be sound advise in most cases and felt my warning and disclaimer in my signature but no longer warranted. I feel unsure of myself on that front occasionally and worry I don't see thing clearly but you helped my confidence so thank you

more hugs for elsa this morning.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi