Funny If It Weren't So Scary

I'm Bipolar II. I was able to come off of my anti-depressants a few months ago as they'd pushed me into hypomania with extreme insomnia. I'm having some health issues (abdominal - more tests next week). I hate the holidays. I alternate between hoping I have stage IV cancer and that it's no big deal. I realized tonight that I am not in a sustainable situation. Lonely, living far away from loved ones/support for financial reasons, etc. I know that at some point this is going to get me. I'm sad now but not in crisis. But at some point it is going to sneak up and bite me on the butt. I really can't change my situation. I can't afford to give up my really good job (and, hey, I'm so good they have no idea I'm so close to crisis). My loved ones have enough on their plates as it is. I don't want to burden anyone.

This is all perfectly rational to me. And that is kind of scary. I lost my mom 4 years ago. She died in a wonderful hospice, very peacefully. I think about how physical conditions are treated with pain killers. What are we supposed to do with mental pain?

And I bounce back and forth like a yo-yo. I'm okay and not okay at the same time. But the realization that this is not sustainable long term kind of gets me. I honestly don't know what to do.

Do you have a therapist?

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I can relate very much to your situation. Lonelyness makes everything worse. Can you try to find people who are there for you? And a therapist/pdoc? Stay in touch, that is the most important thing.

Yes, I am very lucky to have an excellent pdoc. We've been together since the 90s! I have so many people who care but we are 2,000 miles away. I'm a very fast cycler - it actually still amazes me after all these years. So I can be okay with things, then in a panic or crying - all in a very short space of time. It's a rollercoaster.

I moved home back in 2011 and was there for about a year. Things did not go as I'd hoped or expected and it was very painful for me. Then my mom, who was living with me, died rather suddenly. We were extremely close and I consider it a miracle that I am still alive after losing her.

Do you feel there is a line about depending on others that you won't cross? I mean, I don't want to be any kind of burden and most of my loved ones have pretty full plates already. Now I do realize that if I were to do away with myself, this would only make them feel worse. But I don't want to depend on them too much. The person I love most in the world has physical and mental health issues that are so bad (especially the physical) that it's all he can do to get through the day. I do realize that part of what I'm saying isn't really rational - or is it?

Life is so complicated already and when you have this rapid cylcing mood extreme nonsense too, it just makes it so much worse.