[bpfighter250]

Hey bipolar forum viewers,

I'm a twenty-something with bipolar 1. I was diagnosed about four years ago after a severe manic episode. Over the past few years I've been managed with relatively good control with a combination of Seroquel 100mg and Lamictal 200mg. I like to think the Seroquel helped prevent mania and depression with the Lamictal on board for extra prevention of depression. I had a handful of depressive episodes lasting a week or less but had gotten pretty used to what they felt like and what I could expect, including the fact that they would resolve on their own pretty quickly.

Over the past summer I had another pretty severe manic episode and so Saphris was added on to get better control. Due to some depressive symptoms my dose was increased to 10mg.

I think I'm going through a depression now, but it seems very different than the depressions I've experienced before Saphris. Cognitively, I feel sharper and more capable of baseline functioning. I feel more apathetic and disinterested. It's almost like a low-grade depression that's lingering.

I'm scared because it feels like the bipolar I'd gotten used to has changed. I guess it's a good thing that I'm now sharper but the depression feels harder to recognize and therefore harder to cope with.

A psychiatrist I am close with mentioned that depression can come in different shapes and forms and can feel more physical than emotional sometimes. But I feel kind of alone in this and more afraid of my disorder than I have been in a while.

Has anyone else gone through something similar like a change in their usual bipolar feel? I am hoping for a good 2017 and if it means fighting my bipolar like a warrior I hope I can find the strength.

[bpfighter250]

Also, for the past two months or so I've been battling insomnia like I've never had to before. My psychiatrist told me Trazodone, which I suggested, would be a poor choice due to its serotonergic effect which could promote cycling. So he has me on 2mg of Ativan. I don't feel good being on such a high dose of Ativan and I feel helpless as I'm unable to sleep without it. This is another new element of my bipolar disorder that's got me frustrated and beat down.

[franz kafka]

My bipolar has morphed a few times in my life.

When I was first diagnosed I cycled very very rapidly, with my moods sometimes changing daily. This lasted a few years. Then I had a few years of remission. When it came back, I started having quite long and severe episodes, months and months long. Then this too went away and I had a few years of long but very mild episodes, few and far between. Then in the past two years my episodes became very severe, lasting months or weeks, with marked psychosis throughout.

What's next? Who knows. All I know is that things, at least for me, can change.

[alittlehoshime]

Not fair

[alittlehoshime]

Originally Posted by alittlehoshime

Not fair

Seriously what on earth

[alittlehoshime]

😕not fair definitely not cool to have bipolar and stuff

[alittlehoshime]

This is so crippling I hate it this cramps and stuff

[alittlehoshime]

How to get out these things outta me

[alittlehoshime]

Idk 5 well

[alittlehoshime]

What is this

[alittlehoshime]

Dang I'm stuck

[gina_re]

Originally Posted by bpfighter250

Hey bipolar forum viewers,

I'm a twenty-something with bipolar 1. I was diagnosed about four years ago after a severe manic episode. Over the past few years I've been managed with relatively good control with a combination of Seroquel 100mg and Lamictal 200mg. I like to think the Seroquel helped prevent mania and depression with the Lamictal on board for extra prevention of depression. I had a handful of depressive episodes lasting a week or less but had gotten pretty used to what they felt like and what I could expect, including the fact that they would resolve on their own pretty quickly.

Over the past summer I had another pretty severe manic episode and so Saphris was added on to get better control. Due to some depressive symptoms my dose was increased to 10mg.

I think I'm going through a depression now, but it seems very different than the depressions I've experienced before Saphris. Cognitively, I feel sharper and more capable of baseline functioning. I feel more apathetic and disinterested. It's almost like a low-grade depression that's lingering.

I'm scared because it feels like the bipolar I'd gotten used to has changed. I guess it's a good thing that I'm now sharper but the depression feels harder to recognize and therefore harder to cope with.

A psychiatrist I am close with mentioned that depression can come in different shapes and forms and can feel more physical than emotional sometimes. But I feel kind of alone in this and more afraid of my disorder than I have been in a while.

Has anyone else gone through something similar like a change in their usual bipolar feel? I am hoping for a good 2017 and if it means fighting my bipolar like a warrior I hope I can find the strength.

I want to say yes, but then I thought about how my life has changed as well. I had a good period of stability for about four years. I was even working full time and taking three classes a semester and was still good! However, the past two years I have been hospitalized. But I've had a few life changes as well. My grandmother passed December of 2013 (she was my rock). I bought a house (this home maintenance stuff is not for me, I live alone and it can be overwhelming). And my current job has increasingly become difficult (kicking my anxiety into overdrive). So as we change, it's possible that our reactions and symptoms change. At least thats my two cents. But as long you still have the fight in you to be proactive in staying well, you can conquer these cycles. If you're noticing these changes, you are very aware of your moods and/or episodes. That's amazing and you definitely have the strength to keep fighting! Please continue to take care of yourself!

[bpfighter250]

Thank you for your replies.

I'm starting to wonder if I have been low-grade depressed now for about 4 months. I've been feeling more disinterested in things and life in general. I've had to take a handful of flights in that time and can't help feeling that I would "be fine with it" if something terrible like a plane crash were to happen. I'm afraid to share my feelings with others.

I guess my question is, how can I manage to live a fulfilling life despite depression. I think my depression may be partly situational as I haven't had school full time to keep me stimulated and occupied. And I haven't had as many friends around.

I need to push through and keep on living despite feeling this way. I try to think that I am still living, but I just have tough shell exterior covering myself, but I can still maneuver within that shell. This works for a while but at the end of the day I'm exhausted and don't have much juice to "act normal" around people.

But I have to keep trying. Soon I'll have more on my plate and I need to be able to face it.

[pirilin]

Thank God you're alittlehoshime. If you were ALOTHOSHIME, you would burn all the bandwith in the freaking site.