[CloserToTheMid]

Crushes are normal. But it's a problem for me during manic periods. I tend to get hyper sexual and very impulse. Not a good combo.

I have this crush on a lady at work. It's clear that she is equally attracted to me. The eye contact. The secret winks during meetings. The body language. And the energy. I'm very sensitive to sexual energy and I get a charge anytime I am close to her.

I am just one manic day, wrong place, wrong time, from acting on it. I'm married and before I was diagnosed, I went on an adultery binge. I know how all of this works. All it would take is an elevator ride or an empty room and I might pull her close and kiss her. What's worse is that we have private showers at work. All kinds of possibilities. I've used up all of my chances with my wife. I cannot afford to do this again. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to stay married. I love my wife.

Holding on for dear life. Any advice?

I don't personally struggle with this, so I don't have an understanding of how hard it is to resist these urges. My "advice" is to keep it in your pants, because mania isn't a good excuse for cheating, imo. Your wife has stayed with you when most others wouldn't have stayed...please don't blow it for a few moments of fun with somebody random.

[zijax]

I disagree. Crushes are NOT normal when one is married. I feel sorry for your wife. It is not fair to her that you are slipping around already cheating in your heart with another woman. Unless your wife is having secret affairs as well and you have some sort of open relationship. Somehow I doubt this. You want your cake and eat it too. You use bipolar and mania as an excuse to cheat on your wife when in actuality you just want that other woman. I've been hypersexual and manic many times and I never once thought about cheating. Why don't you use your sexual energy in your own backyard with your own wife? Maybe you shouldn't be married if you can't stay with one woman. It's not fair to your wife. There's no shame in that. Not everyone's cut out for monagamy. Maybe you're a circle trying to fit into a square hole; it doesn't work and causes much suffering for all involved.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

I don't personally struggle with this, so I don't have an understanding of how hard it is to resist these urges. My "advice" is to keep it in your pants, because mania isn't a good excuse for cheating, imo. Your wife has stayed with you when most others wouldn't have stayed...please don't blow it for a few moments of fun with somebody random.

Chastity belt? I've made it almost 6 years. And my wife and I don't have sex anymore. Maybe 3-4 times since 2011. But I haven't had mania much of that time. Put it into the category of addiction and think of it that way. It's like I have too different brains. One is 100% committed to fidelity and my marriage, and the other has no idea about it. My policy right now is if I'm struggling with manic symptoms, I shut up and shut in and ride the storm. It's tricky. I have to pass her office every time I leave my office.

My previous crush ended up being easy to squelch. She was a fellow musician and we were working on a recital together. I cancelled the recital. Not worth it. But I don't have that option with this gal. You wouldn't think this would be so hard, but unless you've experienced this level of hypersexuality and impulses, it's hard to grasp.

You're right. MI isn't the only cause of infidelity for someone who is bipolar. I could cheat for all of the typical reasons. But, believe or not, I'm very happy with my marriage. We are so close in many other ways...perhaps a little on the platonic side, but I have more than many will ever have.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by zijax

I disagree. Crushes are NOT normal when one is married. I feel sorry for your wife. It is not fair to her that you are slipping around already cheating in your heart with another woman. Unless your wife is having secret affairs as well and you have some sort of open relationship. Somehow I doubt this. You want your cake and eat it too. You use bipolar and mania as an excuse to cheat on your wife when in actuality you just want that other woman. I've been hypersexual and manic many times and I never once thought about cheating. Why don't you use your sexual energy in your own backyard with your own wife? Maybe you shouldn't be married if you can't stay with one woman. It's not fair to your wife. There's no shame in that. Not everyone's cut out for monagamy. Maybe you're a circle trying to fit into a square hole; it doesn't work and causes much suffering for all involved.

fair enough. I guess I've touched a nerve. So you're solution for me battling this problem is divorce. That's exactly what will happen if I slip up one more time.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by zijax

I disagree. Crushes are NOT normal when one is married. I feel sorry for your wife. It is not fair to her that you are slipping around already cheating in your heart with another woman. Unless your wife is having secret affairs as well and you have some sort of open relationship. Somehow I doubt this. You want your cake and eat it too. You use bipolar and mania as an excuse to cheat on your wife when in actuality you just want that other woman. I've been hypersexual and manic many times and I never once thought about cheating. Why don't you use your sexual energy in your own backyard with your own wife? Maybe you shouldn't be married if you can't stay with one woman. It's not fair to your wife. There's no shame in that. Not everyone's cut out for monagamy. Maybe you're a circle trying to fit into a square hole; it doesn't work and causes much suffering for all involved.

If you want to support someone with this problem, here's a good place to start Bipolar Infidelity: Discover Causes, Cures and Scary Statistics | Bipolar Lives

I am curious, if you struggle with hypersexuality, why can't you engage in some fun with your wife? Why is there so little sex going on in an otherwise happy marriage?

[~Christina]

Bipolar , even screaming mania is never a freebie for infidelity.

Even if you use condoms which is a valid concern if your ready to cheat ....you can still transmit STD's to your wife, and not all can be cured with medication.

Your lucky your wife was able to stay married after your cheating in the past, she is far stronger and forgiving than I .

I'm not bashing you , well maybe. My first husband cheated so I'm very direct when it comes to this nonsense.

If you go manic and think about cheating .... Why not see your Pdoc and halt the mania before you make a huge mistake that could have life long health effects on you and your wife.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

I am curious, if you struggle with hypersexuality, why can't you engage in some fun with your wife? Why is there so little sex going on in an otherwise happy marriage?

That is the million dollar question. It's been that way for 22 years. Some years are better than others. She says it will be better when the kids move out. I'm hoping and praying.

By the way, she know about my struggles when I'm manic. When I'm level, there is no struggle like this at all. The ultimate goal is to get level again without doing any damage.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Bipolar , even screaming mania is never a freebie for infidelity.

Even if you use condoms which is a valid concern if your ready to cheat ....you can still transmit STD's to your wife, and not all can be cured with medication.

Your lucky your wife was able to stay married after your cheating in the past, she is far stronger and forgiving than I .

I'm not bashing you , well maybe. My first husband cheated so I'm very direct when it comes to this nonsense.

If you go manic and think about cheating .... Why not see your Pdoc and halt the mania before you make a huge mistake that could have life long health effects on you and your wife.

I am lucky to be married, no doubt. Her reason for staying is the "in sickness and in health" vow. But I only get one shot on that one. I'm married now on the condition that I stick to my treatment 100% (which I have done), I not have any sort of private relationship with a woman (no texts, pm's, no coffee...which I have done). If you send me a message you'll get a very polite "no pms please", in fact it's in my signature for this site. And absolutely no infidelity of any sort. The marriage is over with any one of these conditions being broken. I think it's reasonable. A person has to protect themselves. It's not a matter of in sickness or in health, especially if I resist my treatment.

I've been working with my pdoc all year with meds to fix this. It's been years since I had this problem. It will go away when the mania goes away...100%.

I'm hoping to find someone else on this site who understands what I'm talking about. You cannot understand unless you've experienced this awful problem. Do you think I want to wreak havoc on my marriage for a few thrills? I'd rather be celibate for the rest of my life then cheat on my wife again.

FYI, there is a HUGE difference between infidelity and BIPOLAR infidelity. It doesn't hurt any less, but it's different. The only way to control any bipolar symptoms is professional care, which I am receiving.

here are some resources about what bipolar infidelity is.

Bipolar Infidelity: Discover Causes, Cures and Scary Statistics | Bipolar Lives

here's a personal story from Bipolar Wife that nails it.

The Bipolar Wife: Infidelity ? A Painful Consequence of Mania | Adventures of a Bipolar Mom

None of this changes the fact that it hurts marriages. It hurts the spouses of bipolars and the bipolar herself/himself. I am torn to shreds about what I did before my treatment. I'm not sure my wife will ever fully heal from that betrayal. I take responsibility for it by doing EVERYTHING in my power to stay well. Including seeking advice from other people who have been through this.

[CloserToTheMid]

Hey guys. I did a little research, and the top solution to this is to break the mania. I scheduled an emergency visit with my pdoc tomorrow. I've resisted certain meds because of side-effects and tomorrow, I'm going to tell him to give me what ever he wants to get me even if it means risking another panic attack (more geodon, for example).

Maybe you ladies (and bipolar ladies struggle with his as well) will understand this better when someone else reaches out with this problem.

Mania, not more failing.

Break the stigma, y'all.

[CloserToTheMid]

The first time I cheated was before bipolar was a significant issue. I was very dissatisfied in my marriage. We rarely had (have) sex (couple times a year). We had all kinds of relationship problems. REAL problems, not the crippling delusions that followed. But as mania/depression began to ramp up, something broke in me. I no longer wanted to cheat. I was working on my marriage. We went to counseling. We started having sex more frequently. But I became increasingly more sexual and more impulsive and deluded until I was cheating online, then when my mania exploded I slept with 6 different women in just a few weeks. I believed I was on a mission from God to help these women feel desirable.

Before it happened I visited another church than my own. I couldn't talk to the pastor, because I was incredibly attracted to her. It was a mega church. Big and dark. Nobody knew me. Afterwards, the minister invited us to meet with his associate pastors for prayer. I found my way to one and pleaded with him. I needed him to pray for me to remain faithful.

We prayed hard. I thought maybe it would be okay. I do believe in God, and I do believe in miracles. But a spiraled out of control very quickly after that and I cheated with a bunch of random women in the course of the next couple of weeks.

This is mania. This is not a moral failing. I know it's hard to understand that, especially if you've been hurt by it. I did not expect my wife to forgive me. In fact, I bowed out when she found out. I walked away and things got even worse. I eventually contracted a bad case of pneumonia. I wasn't sleeping. I was doing nothing but drinking, smoking, and carrying on with strange women. I quite going to work.

My lungs were filling with fluid, but it did not change my behavior for many days. Then one night, it was like a fever broke. I called my wife. She had never wanted me to leave. Her friend, a psychologist, told her that I was probably bipolar and needed treatment immediately. She took me first to the hospital to get treatment for pneumonia. It had been more dire than I realized. She took me home and nursed me in our bed. Oddly enough, she made mad love to me in spite of her great pain. She had thought that she had lost me.

Then came the doctors. Each of them, Bipolar I. Counseling. Medicine. And the beginnings of healing. Our marriage is better now than it has ever been in 22 years.

Mania is not a condition that can be controlled with moral will-power. It needs medical treatment. Right not, I'm in a state of enough mania for this to happen again. That's why I reached out. But I came up with a plan. I cancelled all of my plans tomorrow to see my doctor and to stay away from people as much as possible. He's been treating me for 6 years and this is the first time that he hasn't been able to knock me down. I'm going to have to accept doses that have been very uncomfortable for me. I'm desperate enough, for example, to risk another panic attack because of a high dose of a medicine.

I DO NOT WANT TO CHEAT. But that isn't enough to prevent it. I am open with my wife about my symptoms. She appreciates so much that I can be honest about it.

Break the stigma, friends. An illness is an illness no matter how you feel about the symptoms. I feel that I deserve no less compassion. I need help, not judgement.

Dear zijax, I completely agree with you! You wrote: "I've been hypersexual and manic many times and I never once thought about cheating." Me, too! It isn't right to use bipolar and mania as an excuse to cheat.

I was cheated on by a man who had bipolar. I was not wise enough to spurn his advances, and he wanted to go to bed after 2-3 days of knowing each other. It's a long story, but when I found out he was cheating, it took me six months of suicidal thinking and planning to get over him. For years after that, I could not trust any man. He was very suave, a skilled artisan, formerly with his own well respected shop. He described to me how he got incoherent when he was manic. This did not register with me, as I had not seen anyone the way he described his symptoms. Recently, I saw him wandering around downtown. He looked run down and strange. He said, "Remember me?" I said, "I sure do! You were a real Don Juan, and cheated on a lot of women!" " He said, "I was....?????" I wanted to punish him by saying this, whether he was sick or not. What a dreadful man.



[. You want your cake and eat it too. You use bipolar and mania as an excuse to cheat on your wife when in actuality you just want that other woman. I've been hypersexual and manic many times and I never once thought about cheating. Why don't you use your sexual energy in your own backyard with your own wife? Maybe you shouldn't be married if you can't stay with one woman. It's not fair to your wife. There's no shame in that. Not everyone's cut out for monagamy. Maybe you're a circle trying to fit into a square hole; it doesn't work and causes much suffering for all involved.[/quote]

[Shazerac]

If you truly want to not cheat then you need to do WHATEVER it takes...meaning "higher doses than you are comfortable with" a med change, even inpatient if it comes to that.

Many people with many diseases find themselves in a position where they will say well I want to get better, but I don't want to to this ...or take that med, etc. don't give yourself escape hatch. Do whatever it takes!

[gina_re]

Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck and take care of yourself, your wife, and your marriage.

[bioChE]

Mania is definitely a reason for cheating. It's not an excuse, it's a symptom.

Have you ever felt like this song -- "I love you so much, I hate myself." I've "been there" several times!!!

[CloserToTheMid]

I've made a change to my meds. The impulses are gone. Crush is gone. Praise God. That is a relief. Thanks to those who have been supportive.

Oops, I see an important typo on a previous post. I said "Mania, not more failing". I intended "Mania, not moral failing."

[pirilin]

Masturbation is an art.

[CloserToTheMid]

That was a large factor as well. Run those batteries down.

Originally Posted by pirilin

Masturbation is an art.