[Standup2me]

I hear music in my head and it is comforting, like an old friend softly singing to me.
Softly, gently, calmingly...it is just there

[Naynay99]

I had a decent day. Worked,'had a good therapy session, went food Shopping. And hey- it's like only 10:40 pm and here I am already in bed with a purring cat. I am trying to put a cabash on this staying up until 2 am and then needing a nap the next day and repeat cycle. So i am going to bed now. Feeling grateful for this forum as I have been feeling kind of Lonely and isolated lately. Felt a little anxiety over whether I was being annoying and posting too much but I guess I got over it.
Take care everybody.

[bizi]

You are not posting too much.
one can never post too much!
feel free to vent write what ever you need to write. we are listening.
glad that you are getting to bed earlier. hope you sleep well.
Are you reading a good book before bed?
bizi

[dangerousanimals]

The past 2 weeks I've been staying awake for almost 2 days, sleep 10 hours, stay awake another two days...repeat. I only sleep when I take depakote and at first I was deciding to not take it because I was generally bored with sleeping, but now my prescription got messed up so I'm still waiting on my refill.
Today I've been hearing my phone "ring" when it's not actually ringing and I've been afraid of my own shadow...I keep startling myself with it...like it's bugs scurrying away and not a shadow.

[Wander]

Saw my GP doctor today to get referrals and a script. We had a great chat. She wanted to know why I was changing psychiatrists and when I told her what mind had done she was shocked. Then she explained how she had trouble finding good psychiatrists to refer her patients to so she usually treated them herself unless the indication for further treatment was there. She said that most psychiatrists seem crazy and I agreed. We laughed. I told her my new one seems like a good one so she noted that. It was fun. At least now I know my GP is very knowledgable about MI and is there to help me should other avenues fail.

Apart from that I have been playing guitar and doing very little. So exhausted and in pain from a Fibromyalgia flare-up. Mind is still racing but body just wants to sit still. Saw my parents and T (separately) and both think I am hypo. How can I be when I am so tired? Oh well, I will just roll with it. No harm is being done.

[scatterbrained04]

I've been doing mostly pretty well lately. Dealing with some anxiety but depression seems mostly at bay. I've been super busy with work. There is a lot going on there. Lots of changes coming for 2017. Haven't been around the forums much. Miss you guys!

[hopeless2015]

Feeling better each day, think the depression is definitely subsiding, thank goodness. I'm at work and my concentration is good so far. I really want to dig out of the hole of work from all the time I miss. I've been behind and barely keeping my head above water since my breakdown in 2015. If it wasn't for fmla I probably wouldn't have a job at all. Sometimes I don't know how I do it, but I just keep trying and doing the best I can. I don't have any back up, my work is my work and if I'm gone the work just sits and waits for me.

[Lifeischallenging]

So I am getting ready to do my taxes. I came home from therapy and I get into a huge fight with my mom. I feel really guilty about myself too now. I have also been off my medication for a whole day. I hope it comes in soon. I hope I can get through this.

[Naynay99]

Had a decent day so far.
Just leaving work. I am thankful for my coworker friends who make it a fun place to show up to everyday. I'm tired and really want a nap but am gonna try to NOT succumb, so I will actually sleep tonite. (As I write this my brain is telling me a tiny short nap would be so nice! I may not be able to resist).
I Plan on making dinner and then going to the gym around 8 tonite to do some laps in the pool. My first workout in a while! I hope it doesn't hop me up and keep me awake, i will have to see if that is to late for me to exercise.

[Naynay99]

Oh- and the weather is ****ing beautiful out. 68 degrees in February. Crazy that 2 days ago there was still snow on my driveway!! It feels like spring and makes me want to drive somewhere with the windows down and the radio blasting and me singing at the top of the my lungs. I love spring. I know this is only a teaser but still. It's like coming out of hibernation and remembering that planet earth doesn't suck. I hope everyone in my neck of the woods enjpys the nice weather.

[Unrigged64072835]

Been a rough day. Felt anxious for most of it. My husband isn't feeling well either. I tried to sleep through most of it, but no go. I definitely think it's this house and the home office. I like it but if I stay too long I get wound up.

I did write a poem, though, so that's still going.

May not make dinner tonight and get takeout. BBQ chicken sounds good.

[Anrea]

Trying not to lose my mind.

Grandiose thinking and delusion and hope encouraged me to believe I was destined to win the PCH super prize.

It doesn't mean God doesn't love me if I lose. It doesn't mean I am stupid to believe in God or Destiny. It doesn't mean I am unworthy if I lose. It doesn't mean that I am a worthless, pointless drain on society if I am getting disability.

My good things are: My husband loves me, and makes me smile. I have a home. I have food, and an animal that loves me.

It doesn't mean I am bad if I can't afford Doctors for my dog. It doesn't mean I am bad if I am overweight. It doesn't mean I am stupid to believe/hope/think I could win the lottery.

It just means, I dream of a different life. A life where I can give instead of take. I want to be a better person. But I don't want to change what feels safe.

I hoped to win to feel validation.

I am so sad.

---- Maybe I shouldn't have - shouldn't let myself - do anything that might make me feel chance.

Maybe chance is dangerous to someone who has delusions.

Maybe I need to be a person who only tries to think about things I can touch and see and hear, that are real.

Maybe imagination is bad for me. Maybe I use it as an indulgence, and I binge on imagination of winning the lottery.

Maybe I need to find out if there is hope that I can change my own life myself.

I think the mental illness train never ends.

Choiceless doesn't feel good.

Maybe... maybe life isn't about seeking what feels good, but about becoming what we can accomplish.

That thought feels really strong. It feels like something I can grow from.

I am the stream, not the leaf, and I control my destiny.

[bizi]

I like my new therapist, she is paying attention.
best one so far! am really happy with her so far!
bizi

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ByMySide

I have Type A influenza and pneumonia. Out of work for another week. But I'm glad I went to the clinic.

Oh no! I hope you don't feel too bad as you recover.

Originally Posted by bizi

I like my new therapist, she is paying attention.
best one so far! am really happy with her so far!
bizi

That's great! My new therapist is the best one I've had so far, too. I know how good that feels when you finally find a therapist who clicks with you.

I'm on my 3rd one. And not to sound cliche, but 3rd time's a charm!

[bizi]

Thanks blue, I am really happy with her.
bizi
I am glad that you like yours, too.
I will do psychotherapy with her and then Dialectical behavior therapy on my own.
DBT

[Wander]

Slept nearly 11 hours last night thanks to 5mg Zyprexa. I took it because my mind was racing so much it was unsettling. I rarely take that med because of weight gain but it is great for emergencies like this. My mind is calmer today but still a little racy, and the pain and fatigue are improving. This morning I went for a long swim, did some food shopping, picked up a script then played guitar for nearly two hours. Now I am resting and about to eat a late lunch/dinner before I go to work at 3.30pm. My mood is good. Still basking in the warm fuzzy feeling of having a psychiatrist I can trust with my treatment.

[Lifeischallenging]

So I'm doing better now. My medication came in. But I still doubt my psychiatrist opinion. I still wonder if anyone on here cares.

[Naynay99]

TheHPE- glad u r doing better.

Me, well I didn't get to sleep at 8 pm like I planned, but I was in bed and asleep by like 10:40 pm which still got me almost 8 hours of sleep. I actually woke up before my alarm bc my bladder felt like it would explode, went back to bed for another hour. Hmm. I feel L lot better I think. Maybe sleep really is THAT important?! Who knew! (Ok so probably everyone but me...). Have a great day.

[hopeless2015]

Feeling good today, it was a rough start to this week though, thankful to feel better and glad it's Friday!

[Sad Mermaid]

I am learning to rate mood and anxiety separately (in my mind, not in Optimism Online just yet). So I have low grade anxiety, but my mood is stable. I often have such moments when anxiety is present without depression or hypomania.

[Unrigged64072835]

Learned that my husband will need surgery for a small hernia. Will find out next week when that is going to happen. I have to be able to drive for that.

Picked up my last two meds for the month and did traction for my back.

Wrote another poem about something that caused PTSD. Was able to get through it without panicking or getting depressed. I hope that means I'm getting better.

Spent a lot of time at the hospital and the pharmacy. I don't seem to panic there as much as I do at home.

Also trimmed one of the rose bushes until my back couldn't take it. It's already budding and sprouting leaves. I hope it hangs in there during the cold snap.

[Faltering]

I quit my meds so I could lose weight. Is it bad I feel good about it?

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Faltering

I quit my meds so I could lose weight. Is it bad I feel good about it?

I'm very close to doing the same thing.

[Naynay99]

I've Been feeling pretty good lately.
The unseasonally warm (70 degrees in February!) weather in my neck of the woods has been ****ing fantastic. But I fear the sunshine and warm have tricked my brain into thinking it is spring. My mood is rising with the weather like a crocus that starts to bloom after a too warm winter day. But when the cold and frost return, the flower dies; I hope my winter depression doesn't sneak back in when it returns to proper winter temperatures.

Ugh. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't just enjoy a great day without worrying that tomorrow will suck!!! Ah well. I am feeling a bit restless and lonely for company. I want to do something but alas I am stuck here in my house by myself with no plans to speak of. I did actually plan stuff for the weekend though; I am trying to be more Proactive about making sure I have a reason to leave the house and something to look forward to. I feel like that anticipation of doing something fun in the near future keeps me going.
I think I am gonna try to not beat myself up for not living up to the normal, laid back, even keeled alternate universe version of myself that I have in my head of who I should be and just embrace the nutty version of me that I actually am. Alternate universe naynay is probably boring, anyway...