[BeyondtheRainbow]

My mom told me today that she's really worried because I seem really depressed and am back to my flat affect from before my med change in February. I knew that it was happening and increased my AD about 10 days ago. It started with having to put my cat to sleep, finding out my other cat may (probably doesn't at this point) have cancer, and stress from family crap with the holidays. To add to it I'm pretty sure I need my thyroid med adjusted. She thinks the AD made it worse (it didn't, it helped a lot but didn't take the depression away and I'm on the max dose and I don't want to up my AP if I can avoid it because of sedation when I am already SO tired).

But if she's seeing things like this they are there and real. Not hard to believe since all I want to do is sleep. I miss my cat so much....and Christmas is just hard.

I guess I'll wait a few more days and consider getting in touch with my pdoc. I'm still eating and that's a good sign. I also moved therapy to Thursday this week; my therapist thought I seemed a lot better with the AD increase last week so I don't know what he'll think.

[Victoria'smom]

Hopefully T will help. Call your pdoc Monday because if your mom is noticing your in bad shape.

[Wander]

Sorry your depression seems to be worsening. Great move getting your T appointment forward. I hope they will be able to help. It is also a good idea to move your pdoc appointment forward to to get on top of this ASAP. Christmas can be a tough time for many, especially when depressed. Do you have much support? Sounds like your Mum is a good one.

Thinking of you.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, rainbow. I hope you start feeling better.

It's always hard losing a pet. They become members of the family. I understand this.

[CarriB]

I'm sorry about your kitty. It's always hard to lose a furry friend.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

The worst thing right now is that my sister asked me to make these play silk things for my nieces that are essentially big pieces of shiny fabric that they pretend with. I love sewing usually but I HATE making these. The fabric is messy to work with and requires pinning all the way around two times for each one. Then I have to sew a hem, then I have to sew a decorative border to tack down anyplace the hem missed an edge because the fabric frays so badly. I dread working on them. I'm nearly done, 2 more to go, but my mood isn't right for doing frustrating things.

I suppose that my mood might be why I hate this but I don't think so. I think I would hate this in the best of moods.

Mostly it's my cat. She was my best friend for 21 years.

MM,you're right. If my mom is seeing this it's probably worse than I think. I just saw my pdoc so I'll see what my therapist thinks Thursday and will contact my pdoc before that if needed. All she can do right now is raise my AP and the upped dose is so sedating I wet the bed. So I really don't want to do that unless I have to. I guess with the holiday coming I really do need to get in touch with her sooner though. Bleck.

Thanks everyone.

So sorry you're having depression. Oh I hate depressions....

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am afraid of depression because the last one was so severe and so long. But clozaril will fix it if the AD doesn't. I just hoped to get through Christmas without this. The chances were low before my cat died and missing her just is too much. Too bad my AD can't go higher.

[Ocean Swimmer]

There's a glue you can use for fabric. I glue instead of sewing

[wildflowerchild25]

Beyond, I think anyone would be depressed in your situation. However, I feel like normal life events hit us harder for some reason. Like the death of a beloved pet. I remember I got in a car accident in 2013 and for some reason it pushed me into a severe depression for weeks. Anyone would have been stressed out but because of bp my brain took it to another level. So don't be too hard on yourself if you are depressed. Especially with Christmas coming up. No one wants to be depressed during the holidays but sometimes it happens.

Contact your pdoc. If you have to go up on the ap just to help you through this rough time it might be worth the side effects. You can always try lowering it again when you're feeling a bit better.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you have lost your cat.

our pets means so much to us.

I hope your mood improves.


WC

[LadyShadow]

I am so sad for the loss of your beloved pet plus the depression.

Thyroid problems can lead to all sorts of hassles, I know I was born WITHOUT one and its extremely rare and has been a hardship all my life and been a major contributing factor to my bipolar. Good thing you're having that checked out.

Smart move also in moving up your T appointment, sounds like you've still got your head together enough to make some good decisions.

Good luck and hope you make it out this soon!

[JustJace2u]

Sorry to hear about your kitty. I know how hard it can be. Our family has lost a few pets over the years. I agree that you need to talk to your t and pdoc ASAP. Depression is an ugly beast as many of us can attest to.

[Shazerac]

Hang in there Rainbow. It's so hard and sad to loose a pet.

Don't beat yourself up for being depressed. be gentle with yourself but also know your limits and stand up for yourself. My support people try to assign me tasks during the holidays, cook something, make decorations, etc. they seem to think that if they keep me busy it will "make" me get in the holiday spirit. It doesn't work. I finally put my foot down and told them that I have to get through in my own way.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved pet. I hope you take extra gentle care of yourself during this holiday season.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks everyone. Today was probably a little bit better. I was really cranky with my mom's dogs when I walked them (just impatient with them but I was C.O.L.D. and the thyroid thing is making cold miserable right now) but I spent the day not doing much otherwise. I slept 12 hours and took a 2 hour nap. I got one more of the wretched play silks completed (not without a major error though) and another should be about ready for stitching before I fall asleep. It was good to have a day that was mostly spent lying around.

I emailed my pdoc about increasing my AP at my discretion since she'll be off next week and quite busy this one. No answer yet so I may have to call in a few days. I'm sure she doesn't care if I go up though so if I need to I can.

I nearly lost it last night when another, more people, gathering was added to the Christmas eve, Christmas morning, Christmas afternoon that I already struggle with. My sister's family is coming the 27th which isn't so bad (and I love time with my nieces) and then my cousins and aunt may be coming the 28th. I opted to leave my 27th therapy appointment in place. I think I'll need it.

I should have had therapy today but moved it back to Thursday so my mom can go with me to go shopping (therapy is in the city. We......are not.)

I miss my kitty so much. I knew she wasn't going to live forever but I'm so sorry it had to be December. It would have been hard any month but December is extra hard. And it's hard to know how to process pet loss; it's not like losing a person yet I miss her and grieve anyway.

It is really hard to lose a pet. My cat midnight is 14. I will be very sad when he goes. And then my cat tiger has diabetes. He's 11. I'm not sure how much longer he has.

Take all the time you need to grieve.