Afraid of What I Got Myself Into...

Please help! In need of support.

Randomly a night ago at 2 AM, I signed up for a dating site, which I have never done before. I was feeling lonely and caved in, and the instant gratification appeals to me. I even went on a date today and almost randomly went out with someone I talked to for just a minute for New Year's, but his original plans pulled through where we did not. I'm noticing some cycling and mixed mood between depression and early signs of mania.

Some of my concerns:
-The dating scene can be very triggering for me. Mania and impulsivity have caused me to make some crazy or quick decisions. Actually, I already feel I'm going down that path, and it's hard for me to put on the breaks.
-On the other side, I want to believe that dating can be good for me to see what's out there.....but in the virtual world with so many people talking to me (even already), I'm leaving myself vulnerable for making mistakes all over again. I feel more sexual lately, but have a hard time not acting on those thoughts.
-I still have feelings for both my exes and compare people the amazing chemistry I used to have with them that hasn't been fulfilled

Biggest Concern: I am not stable. Plus, I went from isolating, to all the sudden talking to tons of people. I have a feeling BP is going to affect all these situations and relationships. I also fear if I will find someone who will accept my manias, depressions, episodes. I feel very much alone and as if nobody will understand. I crave acceptance, yet I'm terrified of entering a relationship. The fun of casual dating appeals to me, but can be destructive. I know I need to hide my diagnosis and not introduce myself saying, "Hi, I'm Bipolar," but it currently feels like my identify and concealing it seems that I am wearing a mask.

I wonder if I'm in over my head, or if it's the right time to meet people at all. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm rapidly cycling. Has anyone been in this spot before or can relate on some level? I hate how being BP seems to be such a big part of my identify, because this illness sucks and is taking over my life, even when I try to pretend it's not.

I think the best chance of meeting a partner for the long haul is going to be someone you meet when you are stable. Right now you are saying you are not and have suddenly switched from being depressed to wanting to meet people. The "suddenly" part is concerning. I hope you are not switching to a manic phase and will rush into sexual situations that may be damaging to your mental health and self esteem.

Not to mention the chance of getting stis.

This is similar to what happened to me a couple of years ago. I signed up for a dating site because I felt lonely and instantly felt a lot of anxiety and wasn't sure I was ready as soon as I filled out my profile but stuck at it, I soon met a guy who completely took advantage of me. I was very naive and immature mentally, as well as very manic and he knew this and very quickly took advantage of it, he used me for sex and he was rebounding so used me to help himself move on too. That relationship was a disaster. We broke up and I was back on the site within two weeks which was a terrible idea, met another guy and sex happened with him very quickly. I was in a really bad place and both of those men messed me up for a while. I then met another guy on a dating site when I was depressed, and luckily he didn't take advantage and was very supportive and loving and I'm still with him now.

What I learnt from these experiences was that when I was manic, I was vulnerable and men could spot the vulnerability in me and used it to their advantage. Not all men are like this but a lot of men on dating sites are scumbags in my opinion. None of them seemed to be scared by my diagnosis, except one told me that he would leave if I relapsed and it became too difficult for him, a nice guy! It's totally your call what you decide to do, if you feel you're not ready maybe it's an idea not to put yourself in that situation. If you're still comparing people to your exes, maybe give yourself more time?

Thank you. I'm glad you pointed out to me the "Suddenly" part. When I write, I sometimes lose my sense of awareness since in one mood, I am completely different. I'm trying to think of what might have triggered the mania.....I'm not sure what it is, but maybe meds aren't helping enough, since it's been awhile since I've felt healthy. When I enter mania, it's so hard to control myself. That's exactly my pattern where things damage my self-esteem later on.

Although it sounds like I have a level of awareness now, that seems to go out the window when mania takes over. It's like being on a crazy train where I have no control...or so it seems. I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow, but sometimes my therapist doesn't seem to fully understand BP to the degree I wish she did.

I had a manic episode recently, with a short hospitalization, and during the escalation period and before I realized what was going on, I got myself into a sexual situation with a guy on a second date, off a dating site. I cancelled the relationship later, because I realized that I would be bored with him, and it was crystal clear that I would so I should not have gotten myself into a sexual situation, and advise you to be very cautious at this stage. I am fine, but waiting for the results of the STI tests was nerve-wrecking. I recommend that you journal the moods now and try to reach a stable point, but until then, avoid dating.

I've been there before and relate entirely. I want to avoid going back to that. It's difficult and hard for me to understand why I'm driven to do destructive things, knowing that it's not good for me. When I hit a certain point in mania, I don't even have any more insight or care what's good for me anymore though...so I guess at least it's not at that point, but I am definitely not stable. I've also been there waiting around for results of STIs. I know it's misleading to take those tests online to determine severity of mania or depression, but lately it shows up as "very severe" so that must mean something.

Thanks for reminding me to journal. I use moodtracker, but when I get severely depressed or manic, I stop using it due to lack of motivation or concentration. Perhaps it might help if I go back to it. Maybe my psychiatrist wil have more to go by too if I show it to her.

I started internet dating when I was unstable/manic. It was disastrous. I made some really bad decisions that led to me getting abused. Be careful. It's hard to tell just how far off your judgement is.

I am in the same situation. I went through two broken relationships within one year, met another guy whom I still like but who had to go abck to Mexico because of his visa. Shortly before he left I had isolated myself a lot and then had the idea with the dating app. It completely went out of hands. I started having dates with two persons a day, writing non-stop, everybody asking me when we could meet up again.

I started sleeping less because I was seeing so many people at a time and it got really ugly in sexual terms. Hurt my self-esteem. At that moment I didn't perceive it as strange to be with five different men in one week. Now I just want to lose most of those contacts and not see anyone anymore but it is hard to stop. Anyway stopped using the app.

I am still wondering at this point if that isn't just "normal" for a 25 year old single. Does anyone think this is normal or does it sound manic?

With the loss of sleep and following what seems to be a bit of depression, I would say manic. I get you though.I have the same thoughts sometimes about my own behavior like, is this just what other young and wild and free people do and I'm not sick at all? The difference is the intensity. I would always take things to the next level. It's not two internet dates in a week, it's five. It's not getting drunk at a party, it's getting drunk and naked at a party, staying up all night and then begging everyone to "play" again when the finally get up. The things that separate it can be justified by just being "the really fun one" or "the passionate one" until you are snorting coke off of a strangers ***** in a threesome at three in the morning...and end up beaten and strangled before you limp to safety

The other thing I noticed about internet dating is that other people were way more careful about it. They would talk to guys and interview them before dating them. I would get so excited by the prospect of fun that I would barely talk to them. We just went out and I went nuts. Then regardless of the experience I had the night before, I would pick another date and start over. The pain doesn't exist. Only excitement and the chase. You are invincible until you crash and then you are worthless until you cycle again.
If any of this rings true, or you have that whisper in your head that says you might in fact be manic, I would lay off the internet dating. (And maybe check in with your doc)

Thanks everyone for sharing and commenting. I have a visit with my pdoc on Monday, I should probably bring some of this to her, although at times I think I'm perfectly fine. I'm really not though. I don't think I'm in the healthiest place to date.....at times I think I can, but I can't at the moment. I want to think I can handle these situations the way 'anyone else' would who does not experience hypo/mania/mixed episodes, but I'm just too impulsive and vulnerable right now. I don't know if I'll be able to follow through with my own advice, but that's where my pdoc can step in, I'm hoping, before it escalates.

When I was 25, I engaged in a lot of these patterns, except I wasn't using dating sites.....it was more randomly meeting others at places and doing really impulsive things. I was also very manicky though and had other signs....racing thoughts, grandiosity, lack of sleep, before I crashed and burned. Although it's normal for people to be more impulsive anywhere from adolescence to mid-twenties (and even a bit beyond that), I think it comes down to comparing it to how you normally are at baseline and if these behaviors were intense, frequent, impulsive, and damaging....along with the other symptoms of hypo/mania (ie racing thoughts, lack of sleep, etc). At least that's the way I look at it, more or less.

(((Hugs))). I'm sorry you've gone through these experiences and that they were self-damaging. I've definitely been there, and the pain associated with some of these experiences still lingers to a degree. It's extremely likely in mania and hypomania for those of us with BP do things we wouldn't normally do or engage in excessive patterns of behavior. That's why it hurts so much when we come back down.

Thanks for the answer

I am trying to differentiate things here. I think it is normal if you are just back to single life to look for new people and maybe get some attention.

I don't think it's normal to do what I did, e.g. sleep 4 - 6 hours for the last two months, interrupt other people, end up in bed with five different persons in one week, non-stop pacing and so on.

Trying to get a hold on that now.

Oh yes, I can relate. I'm the fun one, the intense one, the one who does it all over again, no matter how I crashed, let's not even talk about snorting off cocaine from some strangers desk or not feeling any pain. Quit my dating application about two weeks ago, now I am trying to get rid of the contacts I made.