[Shadowmeph]

first post here and I have to say I really hate this . right now I thinking I am cycling I am all over the map up down sideways .
Here is a little story of what I have done before I realized I screwed up my life.
was diagnosed a few years back been off and on Meds. finally started to get my **** together got my own place ( 54 yrs old now how embarrassing).
tookm the basic security training course got a couple of different jobs one is event security main job at a mall.
was on my meds but since I started to work couldn't afford my meds so I weened my self off and it was horrible but after a few months go free of the meds.
everything was going pretty good my Dad had cancer and was winning . then last Aug he had a turn for the worst won't get into to much details but ended up I had to make some decisions because the rest of the family was to distressed . I pulled through my Dad Died I kissed him on the for head and thanked him. for everything.

months go by job doing good dealing with Druggies theives . met someone at work we connected all seemed well. lots of texting back and forth eaily handle work
Felt really good having the attention ofg a good looking woman, been over 15 years I started to open up . then about a week ago I couldn't sleep went 4 days worked no problems with out a wink of sleep . texted lots with her everything seemed normal then I decided that since I wasn't alloud to have relationships with anyone at the MAll I decided that ( this is without any sleep) I should ask for a transfer also that I should get some sleep made an appointment with doc pryer. told the woman what Iwas going to do ( text at 3 am) at 6 am when my supervisor was starting his shift I called him and told him that I shouldn't come in that day becasue I haven't slept but I also want a transfer. he asks mne if I am sure . I confirm.

9 am I get a call from the HR of the security company that I work for telling me to turn in my uniform and that I have been ( don't remember the exact word t hey used) fired . I argue with them telling them that is not what I asked for. after 20 minutes of this back and forth over the phone. I gave in and said ok I will gbring my uni into the mall right after my doc appointment.

I receive text at around 10am from the woman I was friends with she is totally shocked and wondering WTF I am doing . I tell her not to worry I am falling on my sword everything will be good.
I see my doc tell him that I lost my job ( didn't say when) and that I think I was grieving from my dads death and that I need some sleeping pills.
he prescribes me 5 pills.
I leave go to work to drop off my Uni talk to my super he says that maybe we can work something out like grave yard shift so that I am not around the person . I told him the truth that the person is the head of House keeping and that she is in at all hours but if it was ok to give me a few days.

gives me until Monday( yesterday).
I text the woman she doesn't reply. I go home stay up for a while take one of the pills but it doesn't work for 5 hrs I finally get a little sleep 2-3 hrs. wake up text my friend again no reply.

starting to get lengthy here so I will leave out a pile of things.
after receiving a few separate calls from my super about my texting ( which I was trying to tell my friend sorry and that I am getting help tried to explain what was going on).

my sup[er gave me a number for a psychologist which I see today and well to be honest I doubt will do anything but I am going.
now I am hoping that my doc will give me a doc note saying that I am getting help which could take a while to see my Shrink because of the back logs. I see my doc in a few hours but he isn't a firm believer in Meds so I am thinking I am "F"ed

I have been trying over the past few days to right down what is going on but I have pages and pages of paper that are way to scramble to be logical and like i said I am all over the place tears angry at my self for being so FN stupid and destroying my friendship, Job pretty much everything . I am really hoping that it isn't to late.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Shadowmeph: Thanks for sharing your dilemma. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I see this is your first post here. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[Moose72]

I'm sorry that all happened to you. I've been fired with "other" phrases too, like "you can go home now". Nice.

[piano97]

Thankfully I've never been fired but have had to leave two jobs in the last two years. One they just kind of kept me on leave of absence until I resigned. The other I tried to go back to after a manic episode and fell back apart within just a few days. I resigned. I just now am feeling kind of like myself again after that episode over the summer. I filed for SSDI in August and got approved in November. Haggling over LTD from employer now but think it will go through. ONE YEAR term limit on mental health conditions. How kind of them. I'm hoping to be better before that but honestly I don't know if I'll return more than part-time in foreseeable future given how the last couple years have been. Dx is Bipolar 1 Mixed with rapid cycling.

[Shadowmeph]

Well lost security job at mall. lost what I had thought was a good friendship forever, my super told me no contact with her. which I would never do after what happened probably scared the crap out of her. Super told me that he knows a few people ( higher ups) in the security company and said he is going to fight like hell to keep me working for the company just not at that sight. Judging by his Body language he is very possibly telling the truth. I feel horrible and I really had this BS caught me totally off guard those suicidal thought pushing in but I know better then to give into to those demons. Now that the ice is almost gone out side I can start my ritual of running 10-20 Km again. Not sure how I am going to pay my bills but at least I can do my runs that was my savior through the last couple of years it just takes allot of energy just to get out of my bed then force myself to eat which I don't want to do but I force the horrible yogurt raw egg and orange juice mix down my throat . now I have to just keep fighting keep m,oving and do my best to " Not" think to much of what happened which is pretty much at this point impossible. have to wait 3 weeks to see shrink . I hate being cursed with this.

[Shadowmeph]

I am so mixed up now. I went to my old Job site and was talking to a Ex coworker ( another security guard) we were walking around he starts telling me about all of these rumors going on about me at the site. I pushed them out of my head. went into the security office talked to my old Boss then with a straight face ( sort of jokenly) I said to him well since I am not fired I can have my Uniform back. and he gives it to me. which surprised the crap out of me because of all the false rumors going on. and to make matters even more mixed up is that every one that I walked past like Customer service people and other house keeping staff . all waved me over told me they missed me there and that the place isn't the =same and since I have been gone they have had allot more problems with Drug users and street people and fighting. I usually handled all of that before it got out of hand by usually joking with people and or making them aware that what they are doing is on Camera and t hat to other people it scares them. I still am not sleeping properly I slept an hr last night the night before I slept maybe 2 hrs. received a call from the mental health that the next availability is in 22 Feb which is a long way to go . I am really realizing how Lonely I am with out my work. it was pretty much everything to me even though I never really talked to anyone while paroling I could feel the energy of the people around me and the smiles and waves as I walked past. I don't have any friends anymore my past l;ife was to say it in easy words evil and I was fortunate enough able to get out of that life with out any real problems. OK I am babbling on here SO I am thinking I should stop

[Sad Mermaid]

Please list the 5 medications that were prescribed.

When is your next visit with the dr?

I think some things can be salvageable from how the supervisor was treating you, so maybe you have not lost everything, but you need to be able to put the current phase behind you. It is an awful lot of medications to prescribe at once - 5, because you would not know what you are reacting to. Maybe your dr thinks that your crisis is so severe that prescribing 5 medications is justified.

Next time you post, try, simply as an experiment, to organize your thoughts. You wrote that you were babbling; you were, but it is OK - it is not a bad thing, but just a symptom of your state; I do however wonder if you are able to write more clearly if you make an effort and apply yourself.

Please also record when you go to bed and when you wake up. Eat regularly (do you have money for food?)

[Shadowmeph]

the only actually pill my Doc gave me was Prozac he is a new doctor the other pills was 5 sleeping pills . as far as I remember you don't take prozac accept for depression.
my next visit to the doc is 31st Jan as it is I am barely holding it together right now but I am pretty sure this will pass

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Shadowmeph

the only actually pill my Doc gave me was Prozac he is a new doctor the other pills was 5 sleeping pills . as far as I remember you don't take prozac accept for depression.
my next visit to the doc is 31st Jan as it is I am barely holding it together right now but I am pretty sure this will pass

are you still taking the prozac?
It is causing you these problems if you are.
bizi

[Shadowmeph]

no I fill the script but took only 2 pills but haven't taken any since. I still am not getting any real sleep 2 maybe 3 hrs last night.

The thing is I am more upset about losing my female friend then my job. I have never met anyone like her that I connected with then All this happens and I lose her and cannot have any contact with her. This is not helping my mind set. if I could tell her what happened then maybe I can get better faster .
all I know is I am 54yr old and this messed me up bad really Bad and have to go through it alone.

I am so sorry you have been told though all of this. It sounds a bit manic for sure and seeing a doctor is the smartest course of action. I don't understand why your employer fired you. If it was just because you were too sick and asked for a transfer then I really don't get it. How long have you worked there?

I'm sorry you lost the girl you you talking with. Perhaps some medical treatment will bring a better end to that situation. Perhaps you will meet someone even better. First things first though, work on getting stable. ((Hugs))

[Shadowmeph]

I worked there about two years never had one episode .
actually went out for a run today 11 Km felt good. that was how I used to stay pretty stable I ran every day that I didn't work but then we had some cold weather froze every where outside can't run on Ice .

[Sad Mermaid]

Taking Prozac just twice could easily do that to you. When you see the Dr, make sure you tell about those times. Prozac, especially Prozac alone, can do that.

[Shadowmeph]

ya when he prescribed it I asked him if that would just make things worse he wroter the script anyway.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Shadowmeph

ya when he prescribed it I asked him if that would just make things worse he wroter the script anyway.

Does he know that you are bipolar (rather than with MDD=Major Depressive Disorder)? It is a no-no to write a script for Prozac alone for somebody who is bipolar.

[Nickiskip]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know that you miss your friend but I agree that you should work on yourself. This website is very useful and it feels very loving here compared to some groups I am in on facebook that no one seems to actually have the time to comment on my post. hope the best for you!

[1978dd]

Originally Posted by Shadowmeph

no I fill the script but took only 2 pills but haven't taken any since. I still am not getting any real sleep 2 maybe 3 hrs last night.

The thing is I am more upset about losing my female friend then my job. I have never met anyone like her that I connected with then All this happens and I lose her and cannot have any contact with her. This is not helping my mind set. if I could tell her what happened then maybe I can get better faster .
all I know is I am 54yr old and this messed me up bad really Bad and have to go through it alone.

Hey Shadowmeph, you've been through a lot and you are hanging in there. Great! Yes, losing a friend is tough, but your paths may cross again. I'm speaking from experience. For now, focus on getting your head together (that's how I describe it). Then be friendly. It's been said if you want a friend, be a friend.

[Shadowmeph]

it is a very tough road for me . Been alone allot then meet someone connect now back alone which makes it worse because before when I was pretty much always alone it didn't seem to bother me but now after having that Taste of friendship and closeness after many many years then it ripped out of my life well it is doing me in . had another all nighter couldn't sleep two days ago but I was fine actually enjoying myself , then Bam it all hit me again. spent the day all messed up . yesterday my Niece came over we talked for a while she left. I felt ok actually was about to get a little sleep . but then my heart wrenched with pain and it woke me up early 5am fell asleep after 2am lots of mental pain. strange have the sweats and weird bad gut feeling like there is something really wrong and bad that is going to happen. hard to fight that feeling it is draining me today. just want to make tit through the day and hope tomorrow is better.

[bizi]

Have you tried getting your feelings out on paper?
journalling can help do that.
I am sorry you are feeling this anxiety.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Shadowmeph]

I actually right out allot pretty much everything, I have Journals from back in 2000 that I have read . I had allot of creativity back then I could express my emotions figuratively very well. now I seem to have lost that so call hear colours thing

[bizi]

They make adult coloring books flowers and such. I have used markers and really enjoy that....It has been awhile since I have done that...need to pull out those markers.
bizi