[sebby1234]

Hi.

Decided to jump on the forum as I am deep hole and thought that maybe some outside advice and support could help. Nothing to lose in the end.

Was "diagnosed" as Bipolar 2 about 12 years ago and been trying different meds ever since. Some things work a little but for the most part, it feels like most medications have been a wash. Been on Paxil, Welbutril, Lexapro, Depakote, Seroquel, Abilify, Latuda, Lamotragine and Lithium. At 1200mg, the Lithium seems to help a bit with the manic side but doesn't make it go away. I am also currently on Latuda and Lamotragine which seem to little to no help with my depression.

It feel that every episode in the past decade has just been getting worse and worse. Feels like I have been in a depression for the most part of the last 2-3 years. I have less and less interest in interacting with people and have not enjoyed much of anything in the last few years. I wake up most days in anxiety and have to spend my day trying to fight it.

Now the main source of problems these days besides the everlasting depression are the sleep and memory problems. I would say it has been about 5-6 years that I rarely sleep more than 4-5h/night. The only way I can get enough sleep is in two chunks during the day, which doesn't really work with a regular job. And over the past year, my memory has gotten so bad it frightens me. Some days are good but on the bad days, it's like I have no short term memory, nothing retains. I'll forget what a conversation is about mid-conversation. When driving, i'll sometimes forget where I am and going. Have go look around and get my bearings for a second. When possible I have to try and write everything down, I cannot trust myself anymore.

This has gotten to the point where my work has been significantly affected. In a shape up or be fired situation. Did go on a disability leave as I did not have much of a choice. My Psy did not want to sign off (and I can understand why) but she agreed to 6 weeks. It was helpful to be able to rest and recharge but it didn't really fix anything else and now I am back to work. The leave buys me some time but I still have a gun to my head. Started to look for new employment since part of my depression has to do with work also. However, I have been failing miserably at the interviews. Despite my best efforts, i'll forget what I was talking about or can't remember some piece of knowledge I should know.

And obviously the same type of issues apply to other parts of my life as well.

I'm really not sure what I am supposed to do about this. How can I support myself and my wife when I can't complete basic tasks. Should I have the expectation that I should look for a new career that doesn't require as much focus even if its a major reduction in income?

All I have seen in the last decade, despite having some decent doctors, is just a deterioration of my state and at 40 am scared about my future. I'm really struggling to see how there is any happiness to be had in what's left of my life when everything is falling appart.

[wildflowerchild25]

I know from experience that medication will not eliminate all symptoms. You also have to learn coping skills to handle your symptoms when they arise. When you find the right med combo it can definitely help but it won't take it all away. And sometimes it can take a very long time to find the right med combo. I suggest being assertive with your doctor and telling him/her that this isn't working for you and you want to try something else.

Work can also contribute to depression, especially if you're unhappy there. I don't know if changing jobs/careers would be beneficial for you but it might be. I know my job definitely contributed to my instability and that since I've started my new job in September it's been much better. I also know that I may not be able to make a long term career out of teaching if bipolar worsens in severity. I'm doing well now but I know I couldn't slog through a severe depression at this job. And eventually I may not be able to handle to stress anymore. I hope not and I hope that doesn't happen anytime soon but it might.

I hope you're able to find some peace in your life, whatever you choose to do.

[pirilin]

Welcome to PC. What took you so long?. Post long. Post often. It helped me. A lot.

[Hobbit House]

Well, I certainly can understand where your coming from... I'm 52 and while my meds controls much of what's wrong, it doesn't fix everything. I've been out of work since August and had to apply for disability due to.my latest diagnosis of disassociation disorder. That's on top of everything else they can't fix. So I'm waiting in limbo, every day exactly like the last. Luckily, I have a supportive wife who understands what's going on. I would like to say hang in there and it will get better, but I'm not so sure anymore. Here's hoping for the best!

[Unrigged64072835]

Welcome to PC.

I've been having problems with memory and cognitive functioning. It may be the meds or the illness, I don't know. I finally had to quick around 47 and apply for disability. I did get it but it just covers the bills and maybe a nice thing here or there.

[neodoering]

I hear you. I am 52 and used to be a web developer. Then the voices and the depression hit, and I was wiped out and unable to work. With no other choice, I got on disability, which was a marked reduction in income. I'm not married, so I don't have to support anyone but myself.

I've been schizoaffective for 11 years, and just in the past few months my shrink got me on lithium, which has helped more than any other drug so far. But as to try another career, that would be a joke. Changing jobs may help you, especially if you feel work is causing your depression. Going on disability should be a last resort, because you'll feel that big hit in income, every day.

I wish you luck.

[sebby1234]

For work my big worry, being a software engineer, is that it is now the end of my career. Just feels like all this things i've worked for are all slipping away.

My wife is supportive but they are limits. She wants children but part of me feels it would be unfair to have children considering I dont know that I will be able to properly take care of them or provide for them. I can't expect she will necessarily want to say if I can't provide her with what she needs, and I don't expect her to compromise.

I don't expect medication to fix everything but nothing had more than a marginal effect. I never expected things to get fixed overnight, but 12 years later I would expect more progress. Starting to feel more and more like I will end up alone, jobless, broke and a ward of the state...

Sorry for being so pessimistic, it gets real hard to see the positive when there has been little to encourage me in the last few years.