If Nothing Changes...

So, if nothing changes by next Wednesday, I'll be checking myself into the hospital.

The hallucinations, the rapid cycling (or mixed episode; it's debatable), and the overwhelming sense of falling further and further down this rabbit hole...I can't take it. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm so damn tired of fighting every second of every day.

The meds haven't had much time but I'm just getting headaches now. It's not like the last time when I started feeling a difference after three days. I think I'm worse than the last time I tried. That and I'm not taking my AP, this time. I don't need a lecture on it, I have my reasons.

I'm sick and I just...I keep getting worse. And it's so rapid now that I feel like hitting the e-break isn't doing a ****ing thing. How and why did I let this happen?

That sounds like a great idea but why not sooner? You are suffering so much I worry you won't be able to hold on that long. What are you going to do in the meantime to get through each day safely? I really hope things calm down for you soon. Mixed states and psychosis are the worst possible BP states to be in and you have both. Keep posting if it helps. PM me anytime if you need to chat or just pass the time.

Because with both of these states, especially together, that takes a lot more IP time. On the 20th-22nd, I need to fulfill my promise to my little brother. The 28th is my fiance's birthday, too, but I don't think I can hold out that long. I'll be surprised if I can make it 'til tomorrow anymore. I just have to be with my brother and my fiance then. It's really important to me that I do this. More important than anything else. I have to.

Thanks for being here, Wander. I appreciate it.

I am thinking of you, I have had this awful disease for so long so I know where you are coming from, I don't post a lot, I come here everyday and read and lurk but I have read many of yours, please do what you need for your brother and fiancée and go ip. I have been up so many times I can't remember how many times but it has helped me get back on track I am thinking of you today and praying for relief for you, Lela

i am sorry you are in so much pain i hope it starts to get better soon.

I hope your drugs help you more when the 20th to 22nd comes. Will your little brother be able to drive? It doesn't sound like it is safe for you to drive. Sometimes things can help us hang on and maybe the event will distract you from your suffering. Are you afraid that if you go to IP that they won't release you in time? Do you have a right to leave when you want to (especially if you tell them you feel OK around the 18th)? You do have some time to take care of this--6 whole days!!!

I get it about not taking an AP (but for different reasons)

I'm starting to feel more like an alien than a bear ...

Thinking of you buddy

Thanks, everyone.

Hoping, yeah last time I was hospitalized and asked to leave on my own volition, I was instead put on extra restrictions and was labeled non-compliant. Of course, they didn't share that with my T. They did what they wanted and I had no say, even though I had been calm and practical in my mind. Granted, it was a different hospital but it left a bad taste in my mouth. I can't risk 6 days being all I'm going in for.
With the driving, my brother's too young. It'll be my fiance and I alternating every few hours, so I won't be doing the stretch all by myself. My brother did promise to be awake during mine, though. So if I start having a problem, he can talk me through and then I'll give my fiance the wheel as soon as we hit a rest stop.

This is more proof concerning my theory that forced hospitalization does more harm than good! I think, for good and bad, our will is one of the things that keeps us here. Look at how many spouses die within days of their H or W's death (this tends to happen when people are older, not in good health). The way I look at it is one of the reasons you are still here is that you love your little brother. He's going to want you here after the 22nd. To see him graduate. Marry. Have kids. He needs you. You've just got to keep trying. And I'm not sure we can check out of this world when we want to anyways. I am thinking of you and I hope you are not suffering to much tonight....