I'm very stressed these days between work, home, etc.. It's tearing me apart. And yet, I've managed to keep it all together... somehow.

Despite all the stress, I look composed, very much composed. No disheveled look, have very calm speech, and don't appear anxious. You wouldn't suspect a thing.

So, what's the problem? All this stress leads to sui ideation. I'm not depressed, not at all, but actually irritated by all the stressors. I want the stressors to magically disappear. But since I know that won't happen (at least not anytime soon), I struggle. I have more responsibilities than I deserve.

I'm not sure what to say, really, since I this post is mostly me venting. However, it would be nice to know if anyone else has felt this way before (stress leading to sui ideation), and how did you cope?

[bizi]

I just wanted to respond saying that I support you in your struggles.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Unrigged64072835]

I have had sui ideation under stress. Sometimes it's bad enough to go IP. I try using what I learned in DBT to get through it.

Sorry that you're under a lot of stress yourself.

[Wander]

When I get overwhelmed by the pressures of life and get very stressed I do get SI and want to run and hide from life. It is an awful feeling of being trapped. I am sorry you are so stressed and hope things calm down for you soon.

[JustJace2u]

I totally get what you're feeling. You know where to find me if you need to vent, even though I'm usually asleep when you're awake...LOL!!!

[JustJace2u]

Oh, and as you know, the significant amount of stress I experienced months ago that also caused SIs, landed me a trip to the psych hospital. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

[bioChE]

Suicide is sometimes an attractive alternative to all the stress and chaos of daily life. There is a sultry seduction of thinking of ending all the pain and other negative things.

It's attractive, but horrible at the same time. All I have to do is think about the time after the act, if I were ever to go through with it. I'd be found by my kids or my wife, my kids would be without a dad, my wife without a husband. They'd be left with nobody to support them financially, and I have no idea what would happen to them. Usually that's enough to snap me out of it.

Blue, I know you struggle with your relationship with your parents, because you've shared that before. If you're attracted by the thought of ending it all, just play the scene through your head of the hours and days and years afterward. It may be enough to let you see what a terrible situation it would create. Not for you, but for the others in your life. You're a good person, you're young, you have a tremendous amount of potential to give and share in this world. Ending it all would create a terrible loss.

[Naynay99]

Hey- sorry you are stressed out and having a rough time.
I can relate somewhat. I read somewhere that sometimes we use S ideation as a sort of
coping mechanism. It makes sense- I must be getting something positive out of it if i start fantasizing about ending it all whenever I get too overwhelmed by life.
It may not be a very healthy coping mechanism, but it helps me cope Nonetheless.
When **** gets to be too much and I feel like 1 more thing will drown me, it can be appealing and reassuring to know it is there as an alternate option. A plan b just in case. Even if i will never act on it. But for me it's dangerrous bc I just might forget to ignore my depressed brain one of these days. So I try hard to NOT go there too often. My brain probably has probably formed some deeply worn in neural pathways leading straight to suicidal thoughts from repeatedly thinking about it, so I have to try hard to build Different paths for my nerve impulses to travel.
Hang in there.

Thanks everyone

I'm feeling a little better this morning, although the sui thoughts have been waning in and out. Still no depression, though, which is obviously a good thing.

@naynay: you're right that I am using sui ideation as a coping mechanism. I'm not intentionally doing it, but it's a natural response for me.

@bioChE: thanks. I'm trying to imagine what life would be like without me, but I'm having a hard time being logical about it. I mean, I know I would be missed by some, but there is also the emotional pain and stress that is overwhelming me. It's slowly eating me up inside. I mean, I know the emotional pain and stress will eventually go away, but it will most certainly creep back in in the future. How much of my life will be consumed by these never ending thoughts? For how long will I suffer? Is it worth living? That sort of thing.

[MBM17]

It sounds like you're delineating between stress causing sui thoughts and mood episodes/chemicals causing sui thoughts. Is that right?

My experience agrees with Naynay99's. I start fantasizing with my stress and crazy levels get to be overwhelming.

Especially because I grew up very religious, I never turned to drugs, alcohol, indiscriminate sex, or other vices to cope. I've talked with other religious bipolar friends, and we all talked about how sui thoughts are the first place that specifically our thoughts go since we don't have other negative escapes.

How do I cope with the thoughts? I have written down many things over the last few years. I read them to myself. Mostly it's stuff my therapist has said when I'm in that dangerous spot. I read it and tell myself over and over what he has said, even though I don't believe or feel it.

Did you end up taking the (was it Adderall?) to kick into mania like you were considering?