I'm All Mixed Up

So, uh...I really want to hurt myself tonight.

I can't sleep and I um... I just really don't want to keep breathing.

The worst part, guys I don't want to die. I don't want to but I really ****ing do at the same time.

This isn't the first time I've dealt with this but it's still so damn miserable.

I don't want to kill myself but I don't know if I can stop me. You know?

I don't know how else to explain it.

You explained it very well. I'm sorry you are in such a hellish spot right now. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself?

I hear you. I know what that's like.
First and foremost, don't hurt yourself. You'll just end up feeling worse about yourself. Let me know if you need to talk to someone.

Currently, I'm writing on a story. I'm having trouble concentrating on it. I keep going between that and writing lyrics. I've been blasting music in my ears to distract myself from any possible hallucinations. She keeps telling me that it's time to go since I fulfilled my promise. It's time I did it.

Why do I have to do it? Why do I have to die if I want to live? It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I think I do.

I just feel like I'm completely alone. Like no one's here and no one cares. Logic shows that they do but what if they're faking? Pretending so that they can get something out of me.

What if no one actually gives a **** about me and they're using me? Talking behind my back or manipulating me like it's some kind of game? It's happened before, with my dad and my older sister. What makes anyone else any different?

I think I've felt that way before. It is hellish. You are not alone. We are here for you. Sounds like you are doing a good job at distraction. Keep at it to take the focus off your thoughts and feelings that have been overwhelming you. Can you contact your T and/or Pdoc tomorrow? You need as much support as you can get right now. Hang in there and don't harm yourself. Keep posting if that helps or PM me if you want to chat.

I was planning on calling my T tomorrow and schedule a sooner appointment than Monday (my usual day). I missed this week's because of the trip. It's always worse when I miss an appointment.

Did you call your T? Are you feeling any better since last night? (Or your equivalent timezone) Thinking of you…

Just woke up. I'll get back to you on that.

Sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time, especially since it sounded like you enjoyed yourself on the trip. Glad you're trying to distract yourself. Hope you get ahold of your T.

Ended up not calling.

Why not? You sound like you're in pretty rough shape.

I dont know.

I really don't. I think I'm hanging onto something that's long since gone.