Not sure where this is coming from

Today was the first day in a couple of weeks that I can say that I felt balanced. I've been hopeful and I've had future oriented thinking. But in the last hour or so, I've started being really fearful that something was going to get me. Like something from the shadows. I guess it really started last night, but I didn't think about it at all today. Now I am home alone and I am worried that "it" will do something to me. I'm not going to discuss this with anyone for fear that they will think that I am "crazy." I'm not, I really feel the presence of something evil. I looked out my back door to see if I saw anything in my back yard. I didn't, but I feel like it's there. When I had to go and get my meds out of my car, my heart was racing for fear that it would slip past me and enter my house. I don't see anything or hear anything, I'm just scared to death. I prayed. I just wanted to tell someone because there is no one that I can say this to.

Have you had this experience before? It sounds like a hallucination or paranoia. They can be terrifying, I know. It really helps to try to ground yourself in reality and do reality checks such as rationalising the likelihood that this is real. Most likely there is no evil presence and you are safe. If you can't find a way to feel safe and still feel threatened perhaps talk to your T and/or pdoc.

My T helped me today with 'shadows' that appear at my front door then leave silently. They freak me out. He helped me not feel like I am losing my mind but to instead try to see them as non-threatening. He calmed me down and helped me worry less about the phenomena. Along with that he suggested I take more Abilify and tell my pdoc tomorrow about it in hope he can help me from the medical perspective.

It's not the first time that it has happened, but I can't say the feeling has been as intense in the past as it was last night. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't real but, it felt so real. I think there was something out there. I just hope it didn't make it's way into my house. I didn't see or hear anything. I guess it's paranoia. Knowing that fact does not make it feel any less real.

It's going to be one of those days where I lack confidence and I feel like no one at work likes me. I'm really not looking forward to today. I really need to be able to bring my 'a' game today. I don't have time for this. I hate it when I feel this way.

You mentioned not wanting to tell others about this. I am concerned. I believe you should do the opposite - reach out to a caring friend or family member.

To what advantage is hiding this? Consider the pros and cons to telling someone. I hazard to guess the pros side will be the longer of the two lists.

I really encourage you to reach out. If support you feel is lacking in your life perhaps then a crisis line might be a useful resource.

I have had similar issues, mine is something hiding in the closet most of the time. It is easy for me to know it is absolutely ridiculous because there are no doors on my closet and it is packed full of stuff. Even still I have to turn the bedroom light on "calm" myself. It's not all the time and I have never thought much about it, just in the moment. I find when I feel irrational it helps to talk myself down, bring reason into perspective. I hope you are feeling better.

I sleep with my bathroom light on. And I did feel as if someone was following me. Someone trying to do something to me a few weeks ago. My Pdoc adjusted my meds.

Today has been really hard. The worry about the presence is not as strong but my anxiety about other things, anything, has been really high. All over the place today. No one to talk to that really wants to listen. Sigh. . .

Have you talked to your psychiatrist or therapist about it?

Your posts resonate with me. Impending doom. Intense fear, no origin. Nerve-wracking.

Klonopin helps me and telling someone. Like you did. Its unsettling.

If it persists or I'm not sleeping--I'm headed towards a mixed episode with psychosis. I call my pdoc. The symptom you describe is a major sign for me, personally, of a psychotic break. Mine are dark and scary. Yuck. Is it like that for you? Is it new?

All that said:

I know you don't feel like it's OK right now. It's just a feeling. It's OK right now. But you need to tell your pdoc if you haven't already. Things are OK. If you don't call, it gets sticky. Stay safe. *hug*

PM me, I'll support you.

I have not talked to my therapist. I see her tomorrow. I'm really kind of (afraid? nervous?) about saying anything to her about it. I really don't want to say anything to my pdoc either. The last time we made a med change, he told me that our next step would be lithium or depakote. I know they are common but I just don't want the weight gain that comes along with them. Anyway, I am also nervous about saying anything because it just sounds so "crazy" when I think about if I was on the receiving end.

I did reach out to a friend. I was really nervous about telling her for fear that it would be the last straw of dealing with me as a crazy friend. She didn't judge. That felt good. She encouraged me to pray about it and to not worry about it so much because "it" obviously could not enter my home ( or it would have already). That made me feel better. I prayed about it again and asked God to make it go away. I don't think its there anymore but I keep checking my back yard to see if I see anything.

I don't think I have ever taken klonopin. When I was hearing stuff a couple of years ago, my doctor increased my risperdal.

I'm kind of going between a few hours of feeling pretty good to a few hours of feeling lethargic, slow thought processes, unclear thinking, and anxious. I attribute that to adderall wearing off. I'm taking an XR but I'm also supposed to take another pill and I'm out. (And no, I wasn't out of it when this all started).

Thanks everyone for the support. I found out where it was coming from. Trauma. I had a really tough session with my therapist on Monday and will post about it in the PTSD forum.