[xRavenx]

Lately, I wonder if one reason why I am kind of depressed, is because I am craving that 'high' feeling from euphoric manic states. In no way do I ever want to experience full-blown mania ever again, and it has caused a lot of damage. However, ignorance was bliss during that state of mind. I was living out of my means, but I miss the way I felt...invincible, having fun with certain people (looking back, they were enabling), spending money on all kinds of things and experiences, etc.

I don't ever want to go down that road again, but it feels addictive when I think about those times, but then there's the crash. I compare it in a sense to crashing after being on a drug. I would never do the things that I did during mania right now. I have no desire and know it would just scare me, because I am not in that euphoric manic state....so now I am able to reason. I do look back on some of the fun though when hypomania started. I find myself comparing my current state of mind to then, when I felt so good. It's depressing in some way. It's like knowing something was so bad for you, yet missing feeling high and confident.

I don't feel I know or remember when I felt truly happy without feeling too high or too low. It has been a while. I am not sure how it feels anymore? Can anyone here relate?

[gina_re]

I can definitely relate. But now I just live day by day because if I focus too much on that, it brings me down. Really, I'm at my happiest around my nephews (even though they can annoy me sometimes), but it's all I have to look forward to now. So I just live in the moment.

[Naynay99]

hey- i can relate.
Im not exactly sure what regular happy me feels like, to be honest. I still sometimes question if what my last pdoc called hypomania isn't really just my best self and what my baseline happy mood feels like. I don't think i can always tell the difference at the time.
And I would be lying if i said that when my mood gets a little too high, that i do not completely welcome it. Which isn't what one is supposed to say. But its like I am always comparing how i feel now to that version of me, which probably wasn't even real. So i am sort of ****ed to ever feel totally satisfied.

I suppose real happiness is when your good mood makes sense with whats going on in your life- your mood matches the situation, and that it is a sustainable feeling. and that it doesn't result in you making bad decisions.

But i really dont know anymore.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I can relate and I have no idea what actual happiness feels like or would look like.

[BPMan]

I can't trust my memories of being happy. Was it real or not?

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by BPMan

I can't trust my memories of being happy. Was it real or not?

I ask myself this a lot.

When I'm up, I have no comprehension of depressed states/episodes. When I am up -- either truly happy or hypomanic -- I believe that this is the way I am and will never be depressed again. And the reverse, too -- when I'm depressed, I believe I will always be that way. People tell me one way to get through a depression is to remember "this too will pass," and that it will go away, and I will be happy again. That does not work for me -- One reason is that I don't want my happy mood to change into a depressive mood. It's very tempting and alluring to stay down! In that state, I know what it's like. I fear getting happy or hypomanic again, because I know I'll crash at some point. To bring reality to my life, I have many years of notebooks of how depressed I was at the time, and books of happiness, too. In another notebook I save very special letters and greeting cards from friends who love me. Looking back on the depression notebooks, I am sometimes fairly shocked at how far I've come! Wow.

[popuri88]

I relate to you all and I seriously wonder if the "high" where you feel invincible isn't what other people experience as happiness or as feeling fine, because I normally don't know what it's like not being depressed. I mean, what if? I wish I could swap bodies with someone for one day to know how it feels.

Even when I'm happy and joking and waking up with more energy to workout because of the meds, there's still this tightening sensation on my chest that only goes away when I'm high. I rarely ever feel my guts lightweigth when I'm not high.

Last week I was hypomaniac and I remember thinking "geez, if I only were able to sleep this would be awesome".

I don't even remember feeling depressed when I'm high... until my mood drops. It really drops, I can feel it not slowly morphing, but dropping in free fall.

[newtothis31]

One thing that has really helped me has been practicing mindfulness. If you google, there are all sorts of great articles that cover it.

It's good that you recognize the risk inherent in mania- although there is some freedom in the experiences, your mind doesn't feel constrained by anything- there is a lot of risk. When I was manic prior to my diagnosis, I almost died.

For me- the experience of happiness has been more subtle. Hearing a child's laugh, seeing my daughter figure out how to read a word, getting hugs. If you can find a way to experience joy in everyday experiences- that makes a world of difference.