[Theresa1991]

I don't mean to complain about my life because it actually is pretty good and when I read some of the stories written in here I just thank god that my hypomanias still seem to be pretty light and my depression doesn't make me unable to work.

Anyway, I feel like my life has totally spiralled out of control. Part of this is because I have always been a very controlled person. My depression mainly shows in states of anxiety, I was anorexic for years, hypochondric and so on, so control has always been my way to handle my fears.

About two years ago, after graduating from law school, everything just kind of turned around. I get hypomanias since I was about sixteen, but they were never the happy ones. Now sometimes they are and what strikes me most is that I just let go of all the control. At first it was a good thing, I enjoyed feeling free and going out more. I broke up with my boyfriend of six years who was treating me all but well and it was like a liberation. Then I went to live in Southamerica a year, fell in love with a very sick guy and had a crazy relationship with him. When we wracked that I swore to myself to make things better, to give up on the smoking I had taken up, to never do drugs again (was never addicted, but the kind of party thing), to drink less and so on.

Now I have been back to Germany for about a year and am making my lawyer's title. My education goes well, but I cannot get rid of the feeling of being totally out of control. Or I am going up and sleeping very little and then the parties in Berlin are just so very tempting and each time I swear to myself to not go, stay calm, have a nice movie-evening to myself, but I don't manage. It sounds so stupid, because what is the deal - just stay home. But I don't. And then after a few weeks of working, partying, meeting tons of new people, one day I wake up with the worst hangover ever, crash into depression, swear to do everything well this time, usually get a cold, stay home for a few days and usually by the weekend the game is on again.

I drink too much and I know it. I smoke too much. I don't eat well. Thing is - I just feel so un-attached. My family lives about six hundred kilometers from me, my best friends are spread all over the world, but noone close to me, I am so heart broken by two devastating relationships that I don't open up to anybody, my education is horribly difficult and I feel that nothing matters to me and I forgot what interests me in the world and who I want to be.

Maybe I am really depressed indeed and just don't feel it and cover it by living the life of a 25 year old artsy girl in Berlin. Whatever. I am not the person I want to be anymore. I do too much crazy stuff, too many parties, too much discontrol, and I can't find my way back. I feel so run over by my mood swings and that hypo energy that crawls up my skin, and whenever I get it there is no salvation.

I don't want to blame my behaviour on any illness because I know managing myself better I could do better, I just don't know where to start and how to get back to a good routine and I feel so ALONE above all that partying is mainly a way to relate to this world at all.

Anyone in the same place? Anyone else who kind of lost the path? Any suggestions? Anyone else lonely.

If you read through all this ramble, I thank you a lot!

[bioChE]

Good post, thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I spent most of my 20's partying, both undiagnosed and diagnosed. From the outside, my world looks very put-together. Engineering degree, good job, great family, wife, four kids, and a two-story in suburbia.

From the inside it's a different story. I feel wrecked, anxious, and like nothing can help me. I feel doctors are a failure, that meds and therapy aren't the answer. I know I don't always feel this way, but the last few weeks have been pure hell. I can relate to your "losing the path" comment. Even though I have people all around me, this BP creates a very lonely path to walk.

I don't really have any suggestions, other than you can be well-assured you're not alone.

[Theresa1991]

That is something, already. Thank you.

I feel like I cannot share these experiences with anybody in the real world, because I don't want to see them look at me in disgust. I already have kind of the fame of being the "intelligent and kind of weird drinker". I don't like that. And just the thought of telling them ALL there is to tell makes me want to crawl in a cave and never come out again.

Doctors are so disappointing. Just because I am keeping it together on the outside doesn't mean it is not really bad on the inside. I feel SICK. Not just "not okay". Really ILL. I know there is something really wrong with me and I get so anxious thinking about how I am wrecking my life without anybody noticing.

Originally Posted by Theresa1991

That is something, already. Thank you.

I feel like I cannot share these experiences with anybody in the real world, because I don't want to see them look at me in disgust. I already have kind of the fame of being the "intelligent and kind of weird drinker". I don't like that. And just the thought of telling them ALL there is to tell makes me want to crawl in a cave and never come out again.

Doctors are so disappointing. Just because I am keeping it together on the outside doesn't mean it is not really bad on the inside. I feel SICK. Not just "not okay". Really ILL. I know there is something really wrong with me and I get so anxious thinking about how I am wrecking my life without anybody noticing.

You don't have to share! You have the right to keep information about your health private!

You can gain some sort of control of your drinking if you train before you go out on how to tackle such situations (on how to behave and what to say: "I feel so happy in myself that I don't need so many drinks today" or something almost similar).

I had a big problem with cigarettes years ago. Because I experienced my "smoking-habits" as loss of control, l I was too afraid to lose control over drinking. I put water in my glass when nobody saw it so that my drinks were thinner and I used a long time on drinking only one glass.

Hope this might help at little bit!

I agree with you upon doctors. There must come a change where focus is on to prevent. Since there is no help to get when one seem to be well, I made my own "danger-hierarchy" once. It was about where am I now? I had collected information about what where my red flags and felt helped to some degree when I could "self-diagnose" and try to prevent.

May be a google about 'selfhelp bipolar' or 'prevent bipolar relapse' may give you some ideas about how to stop becoming worse.

By the way, I found this link for you:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/b...-self-help.htm

Good Luck!