[ChibeeElf]

Have you ever had the feeling that your whole world is spinning out of your hands and all you can do is watch as your life goes out of control?

Even more so when you know something is happening inside of you and even with medication you can't stop the grip it has on you and how it makes you behave or see the world or how it makes you live.

Now you would say I'm depressed, but actually I'm not, I'm just thinking a lot due to lack of sleep, and no one seems to understand me when I say 'the little people in my head won't shut up' now these 'little people' I know for a fact are just thoughts but they sound all different so I call them little people.

I'm actually scared of getting into a new relationship because of this *****, and I shouldn't even be thinking about relationships when my beautiful fiancé only died 130days ago, people would think that I never truly loved her if I had got with someone else.

Even taking Quetiapine isn't working for me, one week before spring started and I stop sleeping, go from depressed, brain goes into overdrive, I see and hear my fiancé and my purple dragon friend, feel like everyone is constantly looking at me like I'm crazy.

Why the hell does bipolar disorder exist? Why do we get this condition? Why does everyone feel the need to judge us by our mental health?

My family and friends have tried telling me alsorts of stuff recently, they claim to be worried and concerned, they claim I'm getting worse and not better, they claim that I'm not myself, they claim I need help. What do they know, I'm fine, I'm not ill, I'm not anything they said.

I am completely fine, and I don't need judgemental people in my life. So the little people won't shut up, so I'm not sleeping, so my mind is going into overdrive. What's the problem? I don't see one at all.

Just my perspective...but if there were no problem at all, then why post on a psychiatric support forum? I think a part of you does know there is a problem. I encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist or therapist about what you are going through.

[ChibeeElf]

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Just my perspective...but if there were no problem at all, then why post on a psychiatric support forum? I think a part of you does know there is a problem. I encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist or therapist about what you are going through.

Cause it's the only place I feel safe and know I won't be judged. Maybe I got that one wrong, but never mind.

[bioChE]

It's not a matter of judgement, but a perspective from someone you shared with. We're not here to judge but to provide feedback as we see fit.

[ChibeeElf]

I KNOW there is no problem, just sharing what my brain says, never know if anyone feels the same. I am seeing mental health people but that makes no difference.

[bioChE]

There are a lot of times when I'm convinced there's no problem and I'm thinking fine. Then when I get feedback from my family and friends they're convinced I'm off my rocker. At times like this I usually take the outside input and trust the others, and get some help. In retrospect they've always been right.

I have a severe dislike for the MH profession in general. That being said, I do believe my life is better for the help I've been given.

Best of luck on your quest, whatever you decide to do going forward.

Please don't take my reply as judgemental, I did not mean for it to come across that way at all. You just don't see too many people who are doing just fine posting on websites like these. It is OK to be struggling. Please keep posting as you need.

[ChibeeElf]

This my second post in here, and I do feel fine. And as long as I have my purple dragon friend I know everything will be fine because he makes me smile and laugh, and my fiancé well she shows and speaks to me reminds me of her love and how she wishes we had more time together than the 5 years we did have together

[xRavenx]

As long as you have something comforting, then that's what truly matters. I am so sorry about what happened to your fiance. I felt similar when my best friend (pretty much my sister) passed away, and I felt I was going crazy and entered a disastrous rebound relationship as well as it triggering an episode.

It's great that you have little reminders that you shared together, although reminders can be painful. Unfortunately, medication cannot fix the grief issues. I was in therapy, but it only helped to an extent. This all takes time. Loss is one of the hardest parts of life, and with Bipolar in the mix, it's very, very challenging. I think something that is helpful to many is connecting with their loved one in a new, meaningful way. That takes time too.

Welcome to the forums, Chibee Elf!

Originally Posted by ChibeeElf

Have you ever had the feeling that your whole world is spinning out of your hands and all you can do is watch as your life goes out of control?

I'm relating to this part big time, although the situation is different.

When it comes to input from others, I very often find that they see shifts that I do not (yet, at least) recognize as a shift. For instance, I'll think I'm feeling pretty average only to have it pointed out to me that (for instance) I'm talking really fast and am like a conversational bulldozer, lol. I'd say that if these folks traditionally have looked out for your best interests, it's worth listening to. Even if it doesn't feel like they currently are. Actually, especially if it feels they are being currently unfounded about it.

They've even got a big word -- anosognosia -- for lack of insight, which is something we BPers tend to have. Puts a whole new spin on hindsight being 20/20. In the moment it can be SO hard to see(!) Not saying that's happening necessarily, but if you're hearing it from multiple people who care about you, it's worth considering.

I'm very sorry about your fiancé. I don't think people would think you didn't truly love her to be with someone else. Truly. I'm guessing there are societal time parameters(??), but you are not expected to go monk forevermore. The timing is yours to work out emotionally, but I just hate to think of you burdened by thinking people would think badly of it.

Who is your purple dragon friend? A plushie?

[ChibeeElf]

This is a picture I drew from memory of my purple dragon friend, he only comes to visit in the warmer weather like spring and summer, he seems to hibernate in autumn and winter.

What you've said makes sense to me, although I can't see what my friends and family are seeing. That's why I'm thinking of making a video diary as well as a written one, the camcorder will be on all day and hopefully all night, then I can look back and see what they see but also might help me see what triggers I have that I can't see in blind sight, if that makes sense.

He's cute! I like that he has a blue tummy (and.. back projections, not sure what they're called). Interesting that he makes seasonal appearances. Sounds like your not sleeping had a seasonal start too. Do your hypo/manias tend to run seasonally? It's quite common for them to do so.

I asked if maybe he was a plushie because I've got a teddy bear that I find comfort in because he always listens and is understanding. He knows more than anyone, because I tell him things without having to censor or feel too exposed. He will "say" nice things when the world is mean. I know he's not "real" in that sense (yes, it's me talking/thinking), but I don't care because he gives me comfort. The rougher things are going, the more I interact. I'm glad your purple dragon friend makes you smile and laugh.

[ChibeeElf]

I've been told I change per 2nd season, so spring and summer I'm different to what I'm like in the autumn and winter. My purple dragon friend is great when around, but wish he was around all year round