[Kbear815]

I guess I'm a bit everywhere. I have made a few impulsive decisions, such as cut off most of my hair (no big deal) a few new tattoos (again no big deal) and quit all my jobs, except babysitting. I guess that was inevitable and I had reasons but it was impulsive and I was not prepared at all. I had a back up plan for when I finally decided to do it (which I did not expect to ever happen) but I was not ready to set it into place). So I guess this month has been adventurous.

I had a couple good days and then I lost my brand new glasses and that set me back 300 steps where I went into meltdown and stress and anger and hate and then numbness. After that my baseline has been there....with the F**K you attitude and I feel pretty good about it.

I also had another military weekend. My last one I was extremely emotional and could barely stop crying and got told I cant let my soldiers see me like that, well this time I ate anxiety medication like candy to keep my heart rate in the lower 100's and told everyone to F**K off....literally. I guess I did a complete turn around.

I feel on a high right now, like nothing can bother me with this attitude. I sleep when I need to, I don't talk to anyone, I am attempting to get a job working for the post office so I don't have to deal with people and I think this is the cleanest my car and apartment have ever been.

If only I could get my heart rate down and stop impulsive eating.

[zijax]

Well Im right there with ya. I spun off my axis, dyed my hair blue, fell in love, he moved in, we busted out to Ireland for ten days, I got drunk after 60 days of sobriety, I'm alcoholic, and now I'm just trying to reclaim my life and slow the F**K down.

But not too much. We may both be a bit manic. I make impulsive decisions when manic and it feels so good. I'm rocketing. I was having asthma and took some sudafed and this increased the mania, go figure.

Last night I saw a little clown in the living room, blue orbs and mica butterflies but none of it scared or bothered me so I'm not telling my pdoc today. I don't want to come down. How's your sleep? I'm getting about 4 hrs a night. Every night the same. I go to bed about midnight get up at 4:30am.

Your hair probably looks good, my blye dye is permanent but hair grows haha!!!

[Kbear815]

Originally Posted by zijax

Well Im right there with ya. I spun off my axis, dyed my hair blue, fell in love, he moved in, we busted out to Ireland for ten days, I got drunk after 60 days of sobriety, I'm alcoholic, and now I'm just trying to reclaim my life and slow the F**K down.

But not too much. We may both be a bit manic. I make impulsive decisions when manic and it feels so good. I'm rocketing. I was having asthma and took some sudafed and this increased the mania, go figure.

Last night I saw a little clown in the living room, blue orbs and mica butterflies but none of it scared or bothered me so I'm not telling my pdoc today. I don't want to come down. How's your sleep? I'm getting about 4 hrs a night. Every night the same. I go to bed about midnight get up at 4:30am.

Your hair probably looks good, my blye dye is permanent but hair grows haha!!!

Last night I dyed it purple (im military so I cant wait to see what they say about that) if it wasnt for my sleep meds (Ambien) I wouldnt sleep. I literally have scrubbed my apartment top to bottom everyday and have gone through most of my money (and I quit all but one job) but my attitude is **** it and everyone) My psychologist wasnt too thrilled when I told her all this.

[IntentOnHealing]

Hi,

I'm a bit concerned for both of you. I know,know,know,know,know you feel GREAT! I also know,know,know,know,know you don't ever want this to STOP.

But you posted on here for a reason. Like maybe a little tiny part of you knows you're up a tree with no way safe way down? Like maybe the tiniest particle of your sensible, subconscious self is asking for help?

I dunno know guys. I'm just sticking my head in your door from out in the hallway, where depression looms big and dark and uncontrollable and maybe almost guaranteed after a big, fun, delightful, oh-no-not-me, not-ever-ever-me.

Thoughts?

[Kbear815]

Originally Posted by IntentOnHealing

Hi,

I'm a bit concerned for both of you. I know,know,know,know,know you feel GREAT! I also know,know,know,know,know you don't ever want this to STOP.

But you posted on here for a reason. Like maybe a little tiny part of you knows you're up a tree with no way safe way down? Like maybe the tiniest particle of your sensible, subconscious self is asking for help?

I dunno know guys. I'm just sticking my head in your door from out in the hallway, where depression looms big and dark and uncontrollable and maybe almost guaranteed after a big, fun, delightful, oh-no-not-me, not-ever-ever-me.

Thoughts?

I joined these forums because I have absolutely no support system. I have no friends or anything who stuck by my side with anything when they found out what I was going through. I still stick to my counselling and meet with my psychologist regularly and am med compliant. I know this is not the "norm" and this is not how "normal" people act and behave but I am not normal and I am doing what I can. at least I have not stopped any of my interventions during my manics or depressions. Thats all I can really say

[IntentOnHealing]

Originally Posted by Kbear815

I joined these forums because I have absolutely no support system. I have no friends or anything who stuck by my side with anything when they found out what I was going through. I still stick to my counselling and meet with my psychologist regularly and am med compliant. I know this is not the "norm" and this is not how "normal" people act and behave but I am not normal and I am doing what I can. at least I have not stopped any of my interventions during my manics or depressions. Thats all I can really say

Fair enough. And I'm really sorry about your friends. I know that feeling all too well.

If I sounded judgy, please accept my apologies. That really wasn't my intent. Perhaps I am remembering too keenly what led me to the truly rotten state of darkness I'm suffering now.

And as far as "norm," you ARE acting normal for a person with bipolar disorder!

Again, apologies if I sounded judgy. The intent was caring/concerned. Emotions do not always convey well in writing especially.

All the best--