[wildflowerchild25]

Fair warning, this may be triggering to some.

I have completely convinced myself my son is going to die tonight. He is sick with a fever. Whenever he is sick I am on edge because I don't like seeing him sick, but tonight it's over the top. I just feel like I'm going to wake up to find him dead. It's not a high fever, he's just a little warm and he's congested and his cheeks are flushed. But I just...I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sleep. I'm certain he's going to die before I do, but I've mostly felt he will die in his early twenties. Now I'm afraid he will die in his sleep tonight.

I do this to myself on occasion. My mother was unexpectedly not home one day and not answering her phone so I assumed she had crashed her car and was dead. She wasn't. My brother and sister in law were supposed to be at my house and they were over an hour late and not answering their phones either and I just KNEW they had both died from carbon monoxide poisoning. But turns out they just got caught up in other things.

I know I'm overreacting to what is likely just an upper respiratory infection. But then I think of things like meningitis and febrile seizures and I just can't talk myself out of it.

As a child I used to convince myself *I* was dying. I'd watch some medical show on tv and then psych myself into having the same symptoms. It all started after my father died suddenly when I was ten.

People say that it's not going to happen but no one knows what could happen. My father died. Then two years ago (almost to the day - may 28) I woke up to find my husband dead of an overdose. I know that anyone can be ripped away from you at any time. No one can tell me otherwise because I've lived it.

I've checked on my son three times now. I am considering pulling him out of bed and having him sleep in my bed with me, but I don't want to disturb him. Plus what good would that do? If I'm asleep and he stops breathing I'm not going to wake up until it's too late. Just like with my husband. I still don't know exactly what time he died but I knew immediately when I saw the clock say 4:17am that I was too late.

I think my health anxiety is a trauma reaction. I've dealt with my husband's death fairly well but anxiety wise I'm right back where I was when I was ten. I never let my son out of my sight. I never let him play outside by himself or go off by himself in the park. He's only six so that's not too ridiculous but I don't know how I will handle it when he starts wanting more independence, if he makes it through the night tonight.

**** man. I know this is a therapy issue that I need to work through with my T. Meds won't help ****ed up thinking.

I feel like if anyone else died I would be fine but I don't know if I could ever recover from losing my son.

I just needed to get this out. Maybe get some reassurance from the group that I am overreacting and he will be ok.

[raspberrytorte]

He'll be okay wildflower. Hugs.

[jacky8807]

he WILL be ok. this sounds really difficult to deal with. thinking about losing a child is unimaginable and you have lost much in your life

but he will be ok and so won't you

It does sound like trauma reaction. I'm sorry you're feeling so much anxiety, wildflowerchild. Lots of reassuring thoughts and vibes coming your way...

[wildflowerchild25]

Thank you everyone. Obviously he is ok. He slept late this morning which freaked me out but he seems to be fine.

I of course didn't get to sleep until well after 2 am. Too much anxiety. But it's done now, everyone's alive, I can move on with my day.

Definitely something to work on In Therapy.

[Sunflower123]

I'm glad he's ok. Yes, I think you have unresolved trauma that's impacting your thoughts and behavior. Do you have someone to help you come up with a plan to deal with this feelings as they arise?

[99fairies]

i over react as well to my kids when they are ill. one thing that has saved me is alberta health link. you just dial 811 and you get to talk to a registered nurse. i dont know if they have anything like that where you live but it has been very helpful to me.

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm so sorry you were worried and anxious...very unpleasant thoughts indeed. I tend to do the same thing and catastrophize whenever my loved ones are late or some other stressful event comes up: omg, they're dead in a ditch somewhere, they've been kidnapped and murdered, etc. So I know what that's like.

Obviously you're still dealing with the trauma of finding your husband when he passed away. Be gentle with yourself, and do work on it in therapy. ((((HUGS))))

[bukowski06]

As a mom, I can understand all of your worries about wanting your sick child to feel better. It makes sense that you want to protect your child to avoid any harm. Be easy on yourself because these are all good concerns. You have to trust that YOU are doing the right thing for your child. And that you will be calm and make the right decisions when he needs you. This is what I have to remind myself of everyday, it is ok to take time for YOU to be OK so you can be a better mom.

[*Laurie*]

Oh, wow. I've experienced a lot of losses (deaths) too, and I tend to do what you do. Catastrophize. It is a trauma reaction. I'm so sorry you have to live with it; I know how bad it feels.

I'm so glad your son is okay. (((HUGS)))

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been that way with my daughter still, and she's now 20. I think it's because she did have febrile seizures when I was in the military and was temporary duty somewhere. Thankfully her caregiver was a nurse and knew what to do. I've been kind of wary about it.

Glad to hear that your son is okay.

[Treyfrancis21]

My first child died suddenly and traumatically. It directly affected how i reacted to my other children being ill when they were little. Super paranoia, and convinced they would die if they had the slightest cold at night. I still have this feeling about my kids, my wife, and other family members, especially when i can't get in touch with them when supposed to. Near as i can tell it is a PTSD reaction for me and it is exacerbated when i am depressed or mixed.

[scatterbrained04]

I get really bad anxiety that my son is going to die in his sleep at night sometimes. It's worse when he is sick, but I get it sometimes when he is not. I had it a lot more when he was very little, especially at the age where SIDS was a worry. From having talked to others, I think it's somewhat normal as a parent. I could be wrong though... We love our kids deeply, and losing them is many parents biggest fear. I'm glad your son is ok.

[~Christina]

Are you feeling any better ?

[BlueInanna]

I'm so sorry, that is scary. I can relate.
Hugs

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Are you feeling any better ?

Yes, he is over his illness so I have relaxed. Thanks for asking!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Yes, he is over his illness so I have relaxed. Thanks for asking!

Glad your feeling better and your son too

My son developed a life threatening illness around age 8, and I've battled these kinds of thoughts since. My heart goes out to you as I know first hand how awful it is, how you know it's irrational but still can't stop the thoughts, worry and terror. (((Hugs)))