[lilypup]

Well, it's another day of crying. I want to give up so bad, but I don't even know how to give up, other than just laying down.

I realize how bad things have been for me for so long. I have been exhausted forever. I just have that low depressed feeling.

I have been invited away for a couple of separate weeks this summer to a nice cabin and a nice house. But I am terrified to ride there. We'd have to pass big trucks on the freeway.

You all mean well, but I know what you will say.
1) Go see your pdoc. (I just saw her last week. She raised my Rexulti and Wellbutrin. Nothing has happened yet. I see her again tomorrow.)
2) Get a therapist for your anxiety. (I am working with two different ones. Things have gotten gradually worse.)

I'm not scared to leave the house but I don't want to. I just don't care enough about anything to get dressed and go. I don't even care about my friends anymore.

I AM proud of myself that I got to my support group last week. They helped a lot just by listening.

I just don't know what to say. This is just a vent, I don't expect too much help. But I know many of you have been where I am. Maybe some of you are still there.

I am taking more Klonopin than I should so I can cope. I am desperately afraid my pdoc will cut me off.

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Sometimes we can be doing everything right to get better, but the depression remains. During my worst episode I had to have ECT done. It worked better than any med I've been on but the side effects are undesirable. I would only recommend it as a last resort.

I hope that you are feeling better soon.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I understand. I'm there right now. It's hard and disheartening isn't it? Sometimes I overdo my klonopin as well so I understand that. I'm here if you want to talk or vent. I hope we both start feeling better soon. It helps to know I'm not alone in this. Best wishes.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry you're having a rough time. Sometimes the only thing to do is ride it out. Hope you recover soon.

[lilypup]

It just isn't getting any better.

[BipolaRNurse]

Maybe it's time to consider ECT. You're doing everything you can, and it's just not enough. I'm thinking you also may want to ask your pdoc about an additional AP...I know it's not the usual thing, but one wasn't enough for me either. They help a lot with depression as well as mania if you're on the right ones. Just throwing that out there. ((((HUGS))))

[liveforsummer]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much lilypup. I can only try to give you a sliver of hope as I was absolutely terrified to leave my home a number of years ago and the whole thing was very depressing and debilitating but for me it was more time and support that got me through than anything else. I hope you are able to find your way and smile again.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are having to endure such a severe depression.
I know it feels like its never going to end.
It's very painful!

I mean this with respect for all you are enduring: You depressions have eventually lifted before and it will again. The question is when? It's tough not knowing that answer. BP is cyclical and you will cycle out of depression.

How to endure it in the meantime?
An incredible amount of patience.

I've been going through this, too. I get to where I think it will never end. I find I can endure only by letting my rational mind have the last word. The emotional part of my mind is convinced there's no end to the depression and my efforts are futile.

Sometimes nobody can say anything helpful to me, even though they are trying.

You are in a very tough spot, dear lady.
I hope you will find the patience to get through it.
I wish I could be more helpful.


WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sorry it is so bad. It was like that for me for a long time. When I finally got started on the right med (clozaril) I felt better within a few months and haven't cycled more than a little in the 16 months since. I didn't believe I'd ever feel better or that anything could work for me but it did. Something will help you. What that is (meds, time, therapy, etc) we can't know. I believe there is always hope even when it seems impossible.

[lilypup]

So I went to see my pdoc this morning and I had a phone session with one of my tdocs.

My pdoc is kinda new. (My old one retired after I had seen him 28 years). This new one doesn't know me as well and she has not seen me this bad. She didn't change any meds. She gave me more Klonopin so that was a relief. She told me she wanted to prevent me from going IP if possible. (I agree with that.) But she doesn't realize, I don't think, how depressed I am. She wants me to go swimming, get a massage, and go out for breakfast. I told her there was no way I was going to go out to a restaurant and sit there sobbing. THEN she said I need to work on childhood issues to figure out why I didn't want to cry in public! Ack!

My tdoc was more understanding. She actually called my pdoc (they know each other) and they had a talk. We all agree this pdoc knows her stuff but just doesn't know ME. My tdoc told me to text her at least once a day to check in. She also said if things get bad, we can have a session anytime. My tdoc said (as many of you have) that this will all pass...it is the normal bipolar cycling up and down. I think she is a really good support.

Just in case anyone is wondering about going IP here.... I called the hospital yesterday to ask what their bed situation was. They said they are full and you have to sit in a recliner for 1-3 days before there is a bed. Sitting in a recliner means you literally sit in a recliner for 24/7. They give you three blankets (one to use as a pillow). They give you basically all the Xanax you want. They bring your meal on a tray to the recliner. There is a large screen TV which shows reruns of old shows. You are discouraged from getting out of the recliner unless you are going to the bathroom. No shower the whole time. There are like thirty people in recliners in this big room and about four people and one pdoc supervising the whole thing. I'm not making this up. This is what you have to do to go IP. So you can see why I want to avoid it.

Thanks for all of you listening and offering support. You're helping me get through this really sucky time. I do feel better than I felt yesterday.