I am done

When I see my pdoc next week I am telling him I want a total med wash. Then if I do choose to start meds again they will be weight losers or I won't take them. I am tired of all this weight I carry from the meds I have been on over the years.

If I am going to be ****ed up anyways I might as well not be 50 pounds over weight.

I am sick of meds. I am sick of being crazy. All I think about throughout the day are ways to kill myself. It is not normal. I shouldn't be around.

Not many meds are really weight "losers". Weight neutral, sure. But I can only think of a couple psych meds that actively reduce weight or appetite and none of them are mood stabilizers or antipsychotics (not sure what you take). Best shot is something weight neutral, which would then allow you to work your weight off without fighting against your medications.

I know which is why I will probably be on no meds.

I find no joy in life. I should have never had kids it is not far to them to have a parent like me. Nothing makes me happy not even them. I feel like such a horrible person even admitting that.

Don't beat yourself up so bad. You have a lot going on and your doing your best. Just a little longer till that appointment! Sending big hugs your way!

Try not to be too hard on yourself and hopefully you can find some answers at your appointment next week whether it's old meds, new meds or no meds

My pdoc just texted me to check up on me. Just when I am mad at him he does something like that.

A med wash is usually done in a hospital setting at least in my area. Are you okay with that?

Excellent that's good to hear...he's concerned and cares.

Would rather not go to the hospital again but if it can speed things up then maybe. Would it have to be in the psych ward?

For a mood stabilizer, Lamictal is suppose to be weight neutral and Topamax might help you lose weight. As for Anti Psychotics, Geodon is suppose to be the most weight friendly if I recall correctly. Good luck!

How is the akathesia?

Haldol is weight neutral. I've been on it for a year now and haven't gained any weight.

Lamictal and Haldol are my mix and neither have caused weight gain for me. As a mood stabilizer, I've rarely, if ever, heard of weight gain with Lamictal. Haldol, like most antipsychotics, all depends on the person. Pretty much all APs run the potential risk of weight gain, but this is not universal. Some of the newer APs (like Abilify and Rexulti) seem to be statistically less likely to cause it. But, again, you never know what will or won't affect you. As an old AP, Haldol is known to have a high incidence of side effects like weight gain, but it hasn't done that to me at all. Whether or not weight gain occurs, it's always beneficial to watch one's diet on these kinds of meds, if only to aid blood sugar.

I've actually lost almost 90 lbs. while on Zyprexa. It doesn't have to put weight on; you just need to watch your portions and drink a lot of water as opposed to soda and other sweet drinks. I know it can be hard, especially when your appetite increases because of the AP. But it doesn't have to be a disaster.

One year dieting and running became an obsession during a lengthy hypomanic episode and I was doing well enough when I crashed that I convinced myself to soldier on. I lost over 50# in a year and was running around 20 miles a week. My knees couldn't handle it and I ended up in surgery and they sent me home with some yummy pain pills and refilled them a few times during my slow recovery. That was a few years ago and I have recovered from the surgery and the drugs but didn't get back into a good routine and gained the weight back. Now I am bicycling and hope to get some off. The trazadone seems to be causing me to gain weight. I would really like to get off of it but it is hard to sleep without it.

Ended up texting with my pdoc until almost 11 last night. He laid out some of what he is thinking and hoping. But it all requires waiting and seeing. I have an appointment with my PCP tomorrow morning to get her opinions. I know she won't know as much as pdoc but I kind of need a sanity check that this is all worth it and that I am doing the right things.

Everything just feels bland and boring when I try to come up with an idea to occupy myself. I need to do something to distract from the pain but I can't think of anything. Well nothing good at least. I constantly have suicidal methods and plans running through my head. Maybe I will be impulsive and go get a tattoo.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope you get some relief at your PCP and pdoc appointments and feel better soon. I'm here if you need to talk.

I must move a lot in my sleep because I wake up so sore. I am also so very groggy. I just don't know what the do with myself. I would love to lay down and just sleep but my body won't left me. I don't feel like going anywhere and dealing with people.

I just don't know I have the patience for this treatment my pdoc wants to try.

I really think death is the answer.

Actually I think your tattoo idea is a way better option.
Have you had your appointments? How did they go?
Keep posting and please look after yourself

PCP agrees with pdoc but she wants to see me as well. So more appointments I have to make. Just got a call from pdoc's office they moved my appointment up to Monday. I think I got my T mad at me for emailing and texting too much.

My wife won't let me get a tattoo unless I think about it for at least a year and still want it. She thinks I am being too impulsive.

Out with the family today. It will be a struggle. But I am uncomfortable wherever I am or whatever I am doing.

Monday can't get here soon enough but I don't want to get my hopes up because I know there really isn't anything he can do.

Why am I just a waste of space?