[Victoria'smom]

I know I have value in my family. I’m the only one that brings in income (from SSI). My husband is considered my caregiver. I know I have to survive to keep our lifestyle but I don’t contribute to society at all. How can I? I can’t even talk to them, I’m paranoid of general population, animals aren’t my “thing”, and leaving my house is tough, I’m having very dark thoughts. They seem logical but I know they’re not. A part time job will make up the income I bring in. My son can get his licence to stay in school. I know at first they’d be all ****ed up. It’d be rough for them but time will make them okay.

I yelled at my dad today because he asked if we’re looking for a place to move to. I feel terrible about yelling at him. I asked how can you save when all you get is $735 a month? I told him we already are saving for Miguel’s books and fall classes.That his education comes first. I didn’t tell him we still owe Miguel $70. At some point I have to start paying our own car insurance. I know we have to start looking for a new place but how do I save for the moving to a new apartment? That’s at least $4k when legally we can only save $2k. I doubt we can save 1k. Especially when rent was raised $100 and classes are $100+ a class he’s taking 8+ classes. I know we’re counting down to when we have to move (3 years). My parents are worried our complex will stop accepting section 8 before then because they raised rent on us. Hud already told us to start saving and look for a new place but we live in a safe place. I can ask Miguel to check the mail or take out the trash without being worried about his safety. They kinda have us trapped and they can raise the rent to whatever they want and we have to pay it. None of this will be helped if I leave. Maybe it’s just me feeling bad I yelled at my dad.

I feel like a waste of space but I can’t leave them. I guess I’m still useful to them. I know they love me but I feel like I’m in the way. I feel like I’m ungrateful when I’m not. Has anyone been on an AD temporarily? I don’t see pdoc until mid september.

[Sunflower123]

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I am on a temporary AD as my daughter leaves for college. Once I can adjust I'll stop taking it. I hope you start feeling better about yourself because you are valuable and your family needs you. I'm here if you need to talk. Please call your pdoc and talk to him about your crisis.

[Unrigged64072835]

I was on an AD when I came out of IP last year. I stopped it about a month later because it was fueling my anxiety. It did help, though. I would be put on it again if I needed it.

I'm "the breadwinner" in my house, because I had more options to get disability benefits. We're doing okay. Even though my husband and daughter would be okay financially if I was gone, it would still be devastating to them. I would work but anxiety would wreck me if I did.

It's hard when you're trying to make ends meet, especially when outside influences can trash your best efforts.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't feel this is a crisis. I never think anything is a crisis. My pdoc isn't really available outside appointments. I see T sometime this next week. I just have to hold on til then. I hope she doesn't suggest IP.

[liveforsummer]

Hugs Miguel'smom

[Victoria'smom]

I took a higher dose of my AP. If I have learned one thing is if I agree with my thoughts and they're "logical" they're dangerous.

[JanusunaJ]

The limit that is put on income and savings is ridiculous, in my opinion. It's like they are saying "we recognize that you are in severe need of help," BUT take this pittance and you will earn no more, regardless of the need of medical expenses or general cost-of-living. "You want to save for the future," they ask, well "forget that," they answer. It's as if having a disability also requires that you be -- and remain! -- a pauper.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Didn't you used to take an AD? One of the weird ones maybe Vibryid? (I only remember this because I'd never heard of the stuff but you may not be the person I remember was taking it). Would that be an option to try?

I used to use ADs on and off as needed and then we found one that I could raise and lower the dose as I needed (imipramine; it comes in 10 mg pills so I could take 5 or 10 depending how I felt). When I stopped working I went on to an MAOI, Emsam and have been on it constantly since 2009. I did need to adjust my other meds to help keep things level but it works fine and if I get manic from it I am allowed to lower my dose myself. It's a patch so that can turn into some creative scissor work but I've been able to make it work whenever I needed to adjust.

Can you call and try to get into pdoc sooner? Can you therapist help with that?

[Victoria'smom]

I use to be on viibryd but I moved and insurance didn't cover it in this state I've been on several while in this state. They seem to like effexor and welbutrin together but that didn't seem to help. I guess viibryd can't be taken with other AP's. That's why I was only on viibryd and lamictal before. I don't know I'm hoping a higher level of lamictal. I'm not sure I'm even depressed. Can you be suicidal and not be depressed? I'm a little better today even talked a little to people without feeling nervous. I also talked to my dad he seemed not to be phased by yesterdays conversation. September doesn't seem far away just if I can keep my head together until then. I'll see what T says. I don't know it's like nobody would expect it right now. I'm safe tonight but it's up and down all day.

[Noonelistens]

I talked about this same kind of situation with my Gf she got a job and she got half her SSI taken away

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I know I have value in my family. I’m the only one that brings in income (from SSI). My husband is considered my caregiver. I know I have to survive to keep our lifestyle but I don’t contribute to society at all. How can I? I can’t even talk to them, I’m paranoid of general population, animals aren’t my “thing”, and leaving my house is tough, I’m having very dark thoughts. They seem logical but I know they’re not. A part time job will make up the income I bring in. My son can get his licence to stay in school. I know at first they’d be all ****ed up. It’d be rough for them but time will make them okay.

I feel like a waste of space but I can’t leave them. I guess I’m still useful to them. I know they love me but I feel like I’m in the way. I feel like I’m ungrateful when I’m not. Has anyone been on an AD temporarily? I don’t see pdoc until mid september.

Hi MM, that must be so much pressure on you. So you receive SSDI, too. Has H applied for disability or can he get a job?

Housing is so tight when we are disabled. I can't afford housing on my SSDI. I tried it, but I was pinching pennies and if *anything* came up....like a car repair - well, I couldn't swing it. I ended up moving back in with my stepdad, which felt humiliating as I'd moved out when I was 18!

I hope you feel better...you are not a waste of space! Quite the opposite.
I am on two AD's - they aren't temporary. I need them. Are you considering go on an AD? What else are you taking? (As you know, I have not been here for awhile.

PM me so we can keep in touch and I'll do the same. xoxo, glam

[Victoria'smom]

H never gets through the first denial letter. It sends him into a tail spin. I don't know how it'll be taken because he's listed my care giver. He volunteers about 10 hours a week which pays for some of my son's classes through out the year. If he works it effects my SSI and honestly I really don't think he has it in him to work more then a couple of months. I'm thinking maybe as a substitute teacher when my son goes off to college. My son went to a birthday party and excused him self to the bathroom and hid there the rest of the party because there were to many people. There weren't a lot of people just a lot of noise. I worry about his future too. I wish there was a way to convince them to take there medication but there's not. I'm not a do this or else kind of person. They need to take it for themselves not for me.

My husband is the only one that drives in the house but summers are slow. We only have 3 more weeks left of summer. On top of all that our phone broke yesterday. I don't want to think about an AD but I may have to. I'm on 100 mg lamictal and 10 mg zyprexa.