:(

Was doing ok nothing on my mind except excited for this php or outpatient program and cannot wait. Worked an ot shift got my paperwork for hr and was feeling relieved. Skipped out on my Kung fu cause my back. Then started to feel down. Was sad about the amount of weight I've gained and how I look. That jumped to be lonely, which jumped to unaccomplished, which jumped to being broke. And guess where I'm writing this from with nothing but my fan as noise.

I'm also feeling down on bailing on my friend's big pow wow.

boogiemash,
Come join us on the diet thread. I gained 37 pounds in over a year and am on a journey toward better health.
You are not alone.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm sorry to hear that you're having to experience your mood dropping unexpectedly. That happens to me too sometimes. One minute everything is fine and honky-dory then seemingly out of nowhere everything loses its color. I go through the same process of awareness as you sometimes too. It's absolutely unpleasant. I get frustrated with the loneliness too. Frustrated because there are a couple of people that I know IRL but I don't want to continuously talk with them or initiate conversations because I don't want to be needy.

Do you have anything of which you can distract yourself?

Hey Boogie, try to not be so hard on yourself. It will take time to change the thought processes that bring us down and there will be days where we just can't do it. Your putting plans in place to get the help you need and I know your excited about that. We are all rooting for you here and wish you nothing but the best. Hugs

I wish I had words of wisdom but all I can say is I understand much of what you are feeling....you are not alone in this....we are here and listening. (((Hugs))). Hugs....maybe you will meet someone at the program....maybe you will make friends with people who understand your struggles....maybe you will find your footing and begin your journey towards more wellness. ((Hugs)))

When I'm feeling like this anything I do to distract myself fails. I continue to think about what I'm sad about.

I know what you mean about talking to people irl. Sometimes I feel like a burden especially when they don't respond right away or don't answer.

I'm so tempted to take an ambien and fall asleep but I'm realizing I might be abusing it. Maybe not in the traditional sense but self medicating. My back asl hurts from lying down too much.

In the past five years nothing good has happened since my depression started. Except for my best friend's wedding, my niece and nephews graduations my other friends bar opening I haven't experienced anything good. It feels like all I know now is sleep, depression and pain. It's such a torture. I can't take much more of this.

That sounds like a lot of good stuff happening to others but nothing that actually benefits you. You need some wins in life. It also doesn't sound like anything bad is happening to you either so if you can get more active, stop abusing sleep medications, make some social connections and continue to work in your mental health, you will likely improve. Just be sure not to add any drama to your life as I can tell you would not be able to handle that.

You are too focused on yourself, Boogie. Time to start thinking about other people and other things. Do some volunteer work at a local charity. Go to church. Sign up for a birdwatching event. Anything. Just say no to all this introspection. It's killing you.

I would love todo a yohthat. Problem is I can't get out bed

This depression is killing m. Has killeddd me

When do you see your medical team again?
Maybe you need a med change????
Do you have a therapist to help you?
I am sorry you are so depressed right now....
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Here's an excerpt from a Sinead O'Connor's recent monologue about her crisis.

"...for two years my whole life revolved around just not dying, and that's not living. I'm not going to die, I'm not going to die, but still, this is no way for people to be living life."

She's so right about just trying to exist not being the same thing as living. I wish I had some proper words of wisdom that could convey a way to find a way to actually live. Several years ago, a friend of mine once recited the quote from Shawshank Redemption, "get busy living or get busy dying." I can see how that could be interpreted as being inspirational or motivating, but it kind of rubs me the wrong way. What if you're psychotically depressed, if the only energy you can muster is to simply breathe? What does that say when you can't "get busy living"? Does the entire statement imply that you have a choice? If so, what does it mean when you don't "get busy living" when you literally don't have the psychical energy? Then there is decision fatigue to contend with.

I have recently found that my cerebral characteristic gets in my way as I spend too much time thinking about how to get out of my situation and not enough time actually taking action. I've heard the counterintuitive expression, "jump and learn to fly on the way down." I think it's kind of foolish, but maybe that type of action would be beneficial.

I've been busy dying. Five years last time I was with a woman. Now I probably come off as a creep. I've gained 80l s. How do I treat that. I use to love the gym get a hard lift session in then go straight to Kung fu. I miss those day miss them. A lot. Miss the women too too much. Never saw myself as a cryer but past year has proven me wrong

I want to smoke a cigarette

I want to smoke a cigarette too! I wish I had some left.

Anyway, hugs boogie.

Have you talked to your doctor about how you're having trouble getting out of bed? Maybe they could help and then you'd be able to start doing things again.

When I was in high school, a student band director had been working at my school for a few months. One day he was talking about individual practicing and how to become a better musician. He said that from his experience in becoming a better musician, when he was younger he started practicing only 20 minutes per day. Then he said as more time passed and he began building his skillset he added more time. 20 mins -> 40 mins -> 60 mins -> 120 mins -> and on and on. This was over months and years.

Another experience I had in a music program was right before I started college. I was attending a national honor band and one of the directors talked about practicing music while in college. He stated that you should practice 20 mins then study for another class or topic then practice 20 minutes again, rinse and repeat.

I suppose, it seems that if you want to build yourself up or shake off the spider webs or basically start from scratch, you should start slowly to (re)build your muscles. Would it be wise to attempt to run a marathon without having methodically trained your mind and body for the needed endurance in the face of that difficult challenge?

You don't have to start with 20 minutes. Maybe 5 or 10 or 15. Interval training is the way to do it, IMO.

I did to both. They suggested partial hospital program. I'm waiting in getting a call.

This is good advice, q! Thanks.