Losing Hope - TRIGGER WARNING

For 24 days I have been IP and nothing has changed except medications, and they are not helping. I want to run away, get off meds and try another approach but they won't let me out due to SI. My hope of being stable for any decent amount of time has left me and I want to die.

Today I am seeing my doctor and we will discuss my suitability for TMS (trans cranial magnetic stimulation). It is my last hope. I am drowning in darkness, trapped in hospital and ready to end it all.

All through this I am trying to complete a unit at university and am struggling. I am also missing too much work which is impacting me financially and increasing the possibility they will either fire me or not give me any hours upon my return ( am casual).

I don't know what to do but wait until it hopefully passes but I am not sure how much longer I can hang on.

I'm sorry you're in such a darkness. Just keeping posting here and tell us if it gets better or worse. Are you able to get outside of the hospital for walks, maybe accompanied, at all? It could do good just to have a change of scenery. I've also heard many good things about TMS - not many people where I am get to try one.

Keep us updated please

Try to find a little joy each day you're ip. Good luck

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Hang in there. I'm sure they'll get it straightened out. Sending big hugs.

Is taking a med holiday an option? Meds have often made me worse and you've been on so many mind altering meds it's bound to cause some problems. I'm not saying you SHOULD take a med holiday....I'm not a doctor and just don't know I just know that meds cause me to go up, go down and go all around and I've only taken small amounts of them. It's very possible for meds to make things worse, I've experienced it. Maybe a complete break and then adding things back in slowly and strategically is something to consider? Whatever you and your doctors decide to do I hope it proves fruitful and helpful. You've been struggling for far too long. Take care.

I second Elsa, you've been on so many different meds in so many doses over the last year a med holiday for your body seems like a realistic choice at this point. You are already in the hospital so you can be observed. Then after a couple weeks your doc could decide which med to start with. Mind you it means you will likely not get much sleep has you detox and the u is probably out of the question. You'd probably have to drop the u and arrange official time off from your work while doing this....it won't be easy but maybe worth a try?

So sorry to hear you are in a bad place right now.
Please keep on fighting a better day is coming.

Clozapine? here it is considered a last choice med when everything else has failed. It is the only thing that has worked for me. Even when I'm struggling now it could be a lot worse without the clozapine.

My pdoc has done clinical research on TMS and really likes it. Here it isn't covered by Medicare so it's not been an option for me but I know she thinks it is helpful.

Hi Wander...

Sorry to hear things aren't working out for you. Not being stable and missing parts of your life that you really want to be in is a rough score.

Thanks for your support everyone. I am seeing my pdoc this afternoon to discuss starting TMS. It is my last hope. A med holiday sounds like an idea. I will talk to him about that too. Was supposed to go to uni today but am not up for it as I am so tired and unstable. This will set me back but hopefully I can still catch up if/when I am feeling better.

Still feel suicidal. Hope seems lost but i am trying to take life one moment at a time.

One moment at a time is a good idea right now. I think missing school is for the best right now. If you're able, taking a nice hot bath or shower might help calm things. I hope things approve soon and the treatment your docs are considering will come through and provide relief. We are all routing for you Wander. Stay safe cause we like you around here. (((Hugs)))

Can you're teachers at uni email you your work or any classmates? Distraction may help with getting through this. What classes are you taking?

My teacher is emailing me work to do which helps but I do miss out on tips and information given in class. I am doing one unit on Advanced Grammar as part of my Writing Degree. I was doing two units but dropped one as it was too much. Even one unit feels overwhelming as I struggle to concentrate and be creative. It was a Poetry unit. Thanks though.

Taking Advanced Grammar is by no means easy, I know. Please don't feel bad, grammar is tough. I was an English major and now I'm studying for speech-language pathology which requires lots of grammar analysis.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, I just wanted to show my support. If you'd ever like to share your writings, I would love to read any