[SorryShaped]

Anymore, the only things I am comfortable doing is isolating or going to the gym. I worked traffic to help with the county for an event yesterday and didn't even hang around after, when everyone just goes for coffee/sodas/whatever and gets to know each other better. I went, got my intersection, took a vest and radio, went to intersection, reported, blocked on command, reported, unblocked and reported cleared, returned vest and radio, and left before anyone else came back. I just wanted to do my part and go. I don't feel comfortable around others, even though I know some of them. The fact that about half are law enforcement unsettled me even though I wasn't up to anything or being hunted for anything. I've done lots to be hunted for but they have no idea. Nothing beyond bad driving and pissing people off for adrenaline, I assure you.
I get up today, and isolate.
I won't get gym time today but maybe walking/running late in the evening.
I'll get up super early and be at the gym by 7 so I can workout before yoga at 9.
I talk to the instructors to greet them and say "bless you and thank you" and I always answer honestly to how I'm doing. I'm not a pleasantries person. Ask and you'll probably know too much. The really good instructors just know from looking at me anyway, even if I'm in child's pose. I'll sometimes but only briefly speak with other students and have kind of started to loosen up around them, even though I've seen must of them in class since I started in January. There was one student at yoga that I felt intensely drawn to, the first time I saw her. Not romantic, just an "I gotta meet this person now!" oddness which I have only felt twice before in my life, one of which was my best friend that I miss dearly, the other committed suicide the following week. She hasn't returned. I suppose I creeped her out sufficiently.
Going to try to meditate in a bit, but I'm already teary, and my body cries most of the time I'm in meditation, and I have no control over it. I accept it and allow it to happen.
My heart hurts for wanting to be better around others but my mind just screams that I need to stay distant because I'll mess it up somehow.
I have only drank twice this year but really am starting to feel the desire today. I know that's putting emotions into substances but I'm just not coping well.
I've had kava/kratom blend teas twice already and snuck in some caffeine earlier just so I felt like I could cook for my parents and sister. Caffeine sometimes is a courage thing for me. BTW, MiO energy tastes horrid without water.
Practice here is impossible because the distractions are constant, mom always needs something urgently, even if it's to find the remote that's laying right where she left it, on her belly. Thanks for reading this and if you've got suggestions let me know please.

[wildflowerchild25]

I don't really socialize much outside of my family. I don't go to social events at work unless I think it would look bad on me to not be there. I just don't feel comfortable in social situations. I eat my lunch alone at work unless someone else shows up in the math office. If I had my own classroom I'd eat absolutely alone. I'm not involved in my son's school with other parents. I abhor birthday parties for his friends. I feel so awkward and out of place.

This is just my normal. I've always been this way so I know it'll never change. And I'm comfortable with it now.

So, I don't have any suggestions, but I do understand.

[99fairies]

I too have no social life outside of my family. Sometimes I wish I had even one good friend I could do stuff with but I'm pretty content with how it is now.

[SorryShaped]

I did have a friend that went with me to the gym but had to stop because of his knees. I'm not alone but I'm still lonely. Tomorrow will be better. I hope it will. Hope is about all I can hang onto sometimes. I played a very violent game for a while and got all my inner demons a bit of exercise. That felt better a little. At least the gym is open!

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I don't really socialize much outside of my family. I don't go to social events at work unless I think it would look bad on me to not be there. I just don't feel comfortable in social situations. I eat my lunch alone at work unless someone else shows up in the math office. If I had my own classroom I'd eat absolutely alone. I'm not involved in my son's school with other parents. I abhor birthday parties for his friends. I feel so awkward and out of place.

This is just my normal. I've always been this way so I know it'll never change. And I'm comfortable with it now.

So, I don't have any suggestions, but I do understand.

I cannot believe it.....you described me to the letter! I'm the same. I've been uncomfortable around pretty much all people since I was young. Very few people are able to penetrate and break through to my "comfort zone". I have one friend who I enjoy chatting with and would spend some time with if I wasn't so sick and she lived closer .....I'm comfortable with my close immediate family only. I've been this way forever too, so I don't see it changing although, I wish I had more desire to socialize,......... I accept now I probably never will.

[SorryShaped]

I'm aquaintences with my immediate family, even the ones I live with. I got to a point where I was just tired of being hurt by them too and just never trusted them again. My one truest friend ever drank herself to death and I've never connected with anyone on that level, before or after. The second closest friend I had moved away and got busy and that was it. We haven't spoken in years even though I've tried a few times. She's always busy. I had a third that I thought was a special relationship, then I feel in love with her, but she didn't feel the same. Eventually I saw her for a lot more than I did initially. She's a closet narcissist, appearing concerned and helping but doing it so people will praise her the whole time and becoming very nasty when they don't.
I no longer want a lover, I really don't care about sex any more. I just want a connection with someone on a deep emotional and spiritual level. I'm not finding it but I'm afraid to look

[bioChE]

I care about sex. A lot. Not in a hypersexual way, but it's important to me.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by bioChE

I care about sex. A lot. Not in a hypersexual way, but it's important to me.

Maybe I will if I meet the right woman. For now, a bad yoga session is still better than any of the marathon sex days(10 to 12 times in one day, minimum 30 minutes each) I've ever had because those were just used for controlling me later and to get what they wanted