I've been spending a lot of time recently trying to figure out what I want and what my values are. My values changed considerably as I got more sick (physically and mentally) so I now have values which revolve around the reality that I'm sick. I'm trying to work within these realities because I can't seem to change them. I'm really struggling to figure out what I want that I CAN accomplish. It's rough!

If I were to suddenly become well, I'd want to go back to school to finish my degree. Probably doing something in social service or health care. I'd want to spend as much time with friends and family as possible and have a great job which made me feel proud and accomplished when my head hit the pillow each night. I'd want to earn enough money to provide security to myself AND my loved ones. I'd like to contribute in a hands on way to help my community and the people in it who are suffering. I'd want to learn at least 2 more languages also.

Now I'm trying to reconcile how to accomplish at least some of this while battling my physical and mental health issues. My therapist said during one of my last sessions that "I need to realize I may not get better" I've considered this myself but shrug it off because it doesn't feel helpful. Or is it better to accept my limitations completely, accept I will always live without financial security in relative poverty without a hope in the world of paying off my current debt. Accept I might never be able to work again? Accept I cannot leave my house without major physical and mental discomfort? Or do I keep hoping and dreaming that a cure will come? I don't think anyone can answer these questions for me, I need to find the answers myself. I go to bed each night feeling that a good nights sleep is all I need and I will wake in the morning "cured". It's such a let down but dreaming of being cured helps me escape .....I daydream a lot.....my daydreaming might even be pathological. Or perhaps therapeutic.....I just don't know.

Do you dream of being cured? Does it help or hurt you? What would change in your life if you were cured?

[99fairies]

That's a loaded question but I'll give it a shot. If I had no mental issues, my husband could go back to work so we wouldn't be broke all the time. But instead he stays home to help me with the kids, especially when I'm very sick or in the hospital. I would also travel more and have a real social life. I would go to the gym and feel confident again. Pipe dreams.

[emgreen]

I'm 56-years-old, & was able to work for 25 years. Going on SSDI was a smack in the face, but I could no longer control my moods enough to work. I've been on disability for ten years now & feel it futile to dream of magical cures. At my age & with the lack of a work history for the past decade, I don't feel I'd have the ability to find another job. I hate to admit it, but one of my biggest fears at this point is losing Medicare. I've had three surgeries in the past year & have low co-pays on my psych meds. Without Medicare I'd have been more in debt than I am now.

Now, if you'd given me a magical cure 40 years ago, we'd be talking another ballgame. What I have most are regrets about the past...what might have been if I'd been able to maintain stability when I was in school & in my work life. My relationships would probably have been healthier & I would have been spared one hell of a lot of depression & regrets borne of manic episodes. I know, however, that both nature & nurture interact...& I can't blame my unstable past on biploar disorder alone. In fact, it annoys me a bit when some folks do this. In short, much to my regret & embarrassment, it's too freakin' late for a magical cure to alter my reality. Pessimistic? Probably. I don't want depression to plague me anymore, but I have to accept the present as much as I have to accept the past. Both are difficult...

[UpDownAround]

I would enjoy life more. My symptoms are not debilitating, so I have worked without much of a break and I am now within a few years of retirement. I would rather give the magical cure to my 17 yo son who is showing clear signs of bipolar disorder.

Sorry you're struggling so much

I have an interesting story which I believe is very inspiring...

I went to a Neural Interfaces conference 2 years ago, which was amazing and life changing. It was all about engineers, doctors, and scientists finding ways to improve the quality of life for individuals who suffer from varying degrees of paralysis. A lot of the goals were to find ways to cure their paralyses (or cure the neurological illnesses which caused their paralyses). However, there were equally as many goals to find ways to simple ways improve their quality of life, such as building "smarter" wheelchairs or developing mind-reading devices (some of which actually work to a degree, if you look up some of the latest research). And then there were electrodes that can temporarily stimulate nerves to allow the patients to lift their arms and legs, for example, without actually curing their paralyses. Basically, it was a workaround.

Anyway, at the end of the conference, there were interviews with the actual patients. A lot of them, surprisingly, said they didn't care to be cured of paralysis. I was shocked. They were actually very scared and wary of finding "cures". (Basically scared of death since there is higher risk associated with the types of surgeries these doctors etc were suggesting.) So all they wanted was the ability to regain their life. For example, one of the women loved playing tennis, but was paralyzed from the sternum down after she was hit by a pickup truck on her bike, so she said that she "slouched" a lot in her wheelchair. She also had limited movement in her arms. So all she cared about was being able to sit upright and move her arms a little more so that she could play tennis again. She even outright said didn't care if she had to stay in a wheelchair. She just wanted the ability to move her arms so she could do what she loved again. She said she was willing to use electrodes or some kind of machinery if that's what it took. And she did. She worked with a team of doctors, scientists, and engineers to utilize electrodes in a very intelligent way to let her play tennis again. It was incredible. (Wish I could remember her name! Don't know if you've heard of her.)

It made me realize, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't focus on cures, but instead focus on finding ways to regain the little things in life, even if those ways don't cure or improve the condition."

I believe that, even though bipolar causes many of us to "deteriorate" in many ways, we can find ways to get back what we "lost". So, to me, it's not about cures; it's about being resourceful. We can use what we have around us -- family, friends, neighbors, everyday objects, pets (whatever) -- to help us achieve those goals. We don't have to do it all by ourselves. Those paralyzed people couldn't help improve their lives on their own; they did it with help.

So screw what your therapist said about "you may not get better". That is useless and irrelevant information IMO. If you believe you can't do it, then you most certainly can't do it. I mean, if you say you can't do it, then you're giving up. But don't give up. If you want that degree, then you have to say you CAN do it. No ifs, ands, or buts. Mark Wahlberg got his high school degree at 41 with the help of family, co-workers, and friends. He didn't do it by himself, and neither should you. If you need help, don't be afraid to reach out for it! I think you'll be surprised with how many people will come to your aid.

If you want to do something in social services or healthcare, you can always find ways to volunteer or be an advocate! That will let you set your own hours so that if something comes up, you can care for yourself.

[BipolaRNurse]

I don't think you're being pessimistic, emgreen, I think you're being realistic. I've been on disability for three years now and being close to 60, I probably couldn't find a job even if I were fit to work, which I most certainly am not or I wouldn't be on SSDI.

[SvanThor]

So many things. But I'm already doing things differently.

[BeautifullyBipolar]

I used to want to be "cured" or "take a magic pill", but you know what? I love ME. I love ALL of me...my disorders included. I'm proud of the person that I am today and I worked incredibly hard to BECOME the strong, beautiful woman that I am and I wouldn't for a moment take away the disorders that shaped how I played the cards that I've been dealt because I feel that doing otherwise would be a grave disservice to my very soul. I am me. Everything ABOUT me is me. To be anything otherwise is to be someone else entirely. So, no thank you, I've told people when asked this repeatedly over the years. Not many understand my answer and that's okay. They don't have to.

[Sunflower123]

I'm playing the cards I've been dealt. Having said that, my entire life and its trajectory would be different. Some days I mourn what I've lost and some days I appreciate what I have gained from this illness.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I have tried to quit thinking about what I want or wanted out of life. This year has taken me so far up and then slammed me down again. In my first major up I made a complete fool of myself acting like I could pick up right where I left off when mental illness hit in my late teens(10+ years ago) I started studying, looking at schools(for my awesome career in medicine) and telling everyone I could about how awesome I was going to be. Then I crashed and realized how stupid I was for thinking I could actually do anything useful now. Working any job always ends up being too much when the depression hits.

My therapist and pdoc tell me the opposite, that it wasn't stupid and that I can still accomplish lots but I prefer not to have hope in that department anymore. It's too painful.

It's impossible for me to completely stop thinking about it (I'm up again and have a bit of obsession with it even though I try not to) and I walk past the place where other people do what I should be doing almost every night. I imagine what it would be like and then I just feel angry. Sometimes I try to ruin my life more because I can't ever be what I wanted anyways. My talents and knowledge are wasted and I would rather not have any. If I was cured or none of this bs had ever happened my life would be absolutely nothing like it is now.

Wow reading that I sound very depressed but I'm really not lol

I wasn't "magically" cured, but over time, I did reach stability and I'm at least in a long-term remission with hopes things will stay that way for me.

My focus is no longer constantly on my mental health. My priorities have returned to where I wish they had been all along: my family, my faith, my personal growth. I have stopped looking constantly inward and looked up again at the people and the world around me.

[UpDownAround]

A second answer from me, with time travel...

Since I am closing on 60, a more interesting question would be going back in time and being able to choose not to have a MI. I do not have a formal "on the spectrum" diagnosis, but the AQ test puts me in the HFA/Asp range. I would choose not to have my social awkwardness if I had to pick between it and bipolar disorder. It has had more impact on my life. Either my type 2 bipolar is milder than most or I deal with it really well. Even though I spent most of the last 25 years moderately depressed (with some deep dives and some short hypomanic episodes), I have done quite well career wise and never missed much work. But the lack of a circle of friends and the hell I went through trying to date in my teens and early 20s would be what I would rather erase. I would not have been easy pickings for the older woman at my first professional job. While I appreciated it immensely at the time, it messed me up in the long run.

The flip side of that is it would cause a lot of things not to happen. I likely would have married in my 20s and never met my wife while single. I would not have my kids. So, like others, I am not sure I would want to change my life.