[Tryingtobehappy5]

I am really regretting calling my pdoc. I don't want to lose my happiness. My husband said he was concerned when I told him about my walk yesterday but he looked embarrassed too so I asked him and he said he was a little.

I slept good but when I woke up at 5 I felt really panicky and hyper so I went for a walk. Then I wanted to just keep walking but there is only wilderness if you leave town. So I decided I would take the bypass because i could get out of town for a bit but then circle back. I was almost out of town when I seen the bridge and then I started thinking if I can't be happy any longer then I should just end it.

I spent two hours a block away from the bridge listening to music, dancing, looking at all the beautiful things around me and trying to decide if I should go home or jump. I felt happy the whole time, thinking about dying didnt make me sad but thinking about depression really scares me. I texted my husband that I needed him to agree with me not taking a mood stabilizer and not to be embarrassed of me just because I enjoy things more than most people can. It's not my fault they can't see how good things really can be. But he was sleeping and my phone was dying and the cold was getting unbearable so I started walking towards the bridge again with one part of me saying I needed to stop and the other part telling me to keep going.

I was halfway there when a truck went by and for some reason turned around and pulled up beside me. I had just been laughing thinking that people just need to hesitate before they get to the bridge not at the bridge because then others know what they are doing and make them stop, I didn't hesitate though and someone still stopped so I guess my theory was wrong. I was so close and I don't know if I would have done it but I was feeling a strong pull. Of course bad me said don't get in you need to be done now but good me won again lol. I let him drive me back to downtown and then walked around a while longer and finally came home but I'm not sure what I will do now

[Daonnachd]

I'm thankful for conscientious people like that. They take all kinds of forms in our lives, yet perform the same mission. I'm glad the truck driver stopped for you. I'm glad you decided to let him drive you back into town.

[WildcatVet]

Weren't you scared of being picked up by a stranger? Or is my paranoia showing?

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by WildcatVet

Weren't you scared of being picked up by a stranger? Or is my paranoia showing?

I thought the same thing. It was the right call this time, but getting in a stranger's vehicle while manic does have red flags. I am glad things worked out.

Tryingtobehappy5 - I think calling the pdoc was a good move. Remember that the mood stabilizers work on both ends and the crash won't be as hard. They don't stop you from having some ups and downs, but they put seat belts on the roller coaster.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

No I wasn't worried. I live in a pretty small town. I didn't know the guy but it didn't occur to me that it could be a bad idea. I guess if I was thinking about jumping off a bridge not much would be a worry. I'm not really afraid of anything except depression.

My husband is so mad and I didn't even tell him about the bridge thing just about the mood stabilizers. He said he can't deal with this changing every day and that he wanted it to stop and so I told him I could make that happen. And even now that sounds really funny but he didn't like that I was smiling and he said not to joke and I told him I almost did this morning. He was already talking about ip yesterday so I have to be careful what I tell him now. Enough that he has an idea what's going on because I know that's safest but not enough to make him think I really do need ip.

He took the kids to the grandparents house out of town for the day and I was supposed to go with them but I didn't. He tried saying I have to but I'm stubborn lol. He said to text or call if I start thinking of doing something. Hypersexuality is getting stronger. When I shut my eyes I see little films and I am craving human contact, doing it myself is getting boring. I'm starting to see that other people just don't understand what it's like to be this happy so they don't want to let us feel good.

Monday is still a few nights away and I can change my mind pretty fast so we will see what I think then. Also I'm not manic maybe hypo or maybe this is just normal for me

[Shazerac]

you sound extremely manic, and manic may feel "normal" for you right now.

However it sounds like you are behaving in a way that is terrifying your husband and most likely traumatizing your children.

Saying people just don't want me to be happy, and then talking about jumping off a bridge with a smile on your face is delusional.

I hope you can get some help. Is there another reason besides "I want to be happy all the time" that you don't want to be on antipsychotics?

You can start on a low dose to help manage the mania, you don't have to be drugged into submission.

[UpDownAround]

Your perspective is much like mine when I am hypomanic. I cannot diagnose your condition, but I can recommend that you talk to someone who can (pdoc) openly.

[Sunflower123]

Please be safe. Your behavior is concerning. Sending big hugs.

[WildcatVet]

"other people just don't understand what it's like to be this happy"
"I was thinking about jumping off a bridge"

Please don't regret calling your pdoc! You need to be honest with him/her about what you're feeling and doing. You don't need to lose happiness completely, but you might need a healthier happiness.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

There is no other happiness for me. That's not what they want though, last time they put me on low dose seroquel and I was right back on the couch only wanting sleep and tv. That's why I f***ing started on meds was to get out of that. How many people here are actually in a "good" place. Not that many from what I read, the Dr's give out meds then realize what we are and then yes drug us into submission. Calling the pdoc was a slip and now I'm going to have to pay for it one way or another.

I wrote this the other day, every one is just rushing around they don't even see the possibilities and the beauty there is. And they want us to be just like them, not enjoying everything we can enjoy just because they can't.

Do people not realize how good it feels to walk? To run? To have the wind whip your hair around and the sun give you a warm hug? Do they not know how good it feels to walk down the middle of the street at night with only the moon and the stars watching you? To see how gorgeous and powerful your shadow is as you dance in the cool night air? To experience pleasure so many times a day?

No, they don't know what it's like. I laugh in the face of evil and death because I am stronger than them. I have the power to stop time, to create and destroy as I please. This scares them and it's why they don't want me to be happy. They pretended that they would let me be happy but now that they see what I am they want to take it away from me. I won't let them, I won't let them drag me down again. I have learned to keep the best to myself because they all want to take it from me when I let the words escape my mouth.

[wildflowerchild25]

Just to put this out there, I'm on meds and I'm in a good place. No depression, no mania. Just a stable, good mood.

But you sound just like me when I was first diagnosed. I will warn you, it got very bad.

[Nammu]

Yer playing with fire. Here's hoping your crash is a gentle one.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

There is no other happiness for me. That's not what they want though, last time they put me on low dose seroquel and I was right back on the couch only wanting sleep and tv. That's why I f***ing started on meds was to get out of that. How many people here are actually in a "good" place. Not that many from what I read, the Dr's give out meds then realize what we are and then yes drug us into submission. Calling the pdoc was a slip and now I'm going to have to pay for it one way or another.

I wrote this the other day, every one is just rushing around they don't even see the possibilities and the beauty there is. And they want us to be just like them, not enjoying everything we can enjoy just because they can't.

Do people not realize how good it feels to walk? To run? To have the wind whip your hair around and the sun give you a warm hug? Do they not know how good it feels to walk down the middle of the street at night with only the moon and the stars watching you? To see how gorgeous and powerful your shadow is as you dance in the cool night air? To experience pleasure so many times a day?

No, they don't know what it's like. I laugh in the face of evil and death because I am stronger than them. I have the power to stop time, to create and destroy as I please. This scares them and it's why they don't want me to be happy. They pretended that they would let me be happy but now that they see what I am they want to take it away from me. I won't let them, I won't let them drag me down again. I have learned to keep the best to myself because they all want to take it from me when I let the words escape my mouth.

oh my. I'm praying for you right now. I'm frightened for your safety. I hope your flight doesn't end up with crashing to the ground and losing everything you value in your life

[Wild Coyote]

Please reconsider.
Stay safe.

WC

[UpDownAround]

When you read these responses, keep in mind that this is a community of people with bipolar disorder and we have some empathy and understanding for what you are going through. We are not trying to bring you down. We are trying to keep you safe.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by UpDownAround

When you read these responses, keep in mind that this is a community of people with bipolar disorder and we have some empathy and understanding for what you are going through. We are not trying to bring you down. We are trying to keep you safe.

Thank you, I will try to keep this in mind because I do see you as friends but I see the Dr's as enemies. I am just so confused.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Thank you, I will try to keep this in mind because I do see you as friends but I see the Dr's as enemies. I am just so confused.

Frequently when manic or hypomanic we see the doctor as the enemy. That's "normal" I also tend to turn on my husband and become convinced that his sole purpose on earth is to drive me nuts...or more nuts. I dunno

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Frequently when manic or hypomanic we see the doctor as the enemy. That's "normal" I also tend to turn on my husband and become convinced that his sole purpose on earth is to drive me nuts...or more nuts. I dunno

I've become very angry at my husband and paranoid that he is not a nice person even though he treats me very well even with me behaving this way. I REALLY hate the Dr's though(except in my fantasies lol)

I texted my husband. I just said I might need more help this morning was really bad, my thoughts are getting worse and that I don't know if I can tell the Dr's the truth. I told him how I feel about the Dr's and that I am confused about what I need to do.

Yesterday I told him the only way I was going ip was if the cops arrested me but today it feels like that is a real possibility. This is escalating too fast, I have spent all my time today playing keyboard and laying in the bath because I feel it's a safe place when I have bad thoughts. I guess one horrible uncomfortable step at a time is all I can do.

[liveforsummer]

Please stay safe

[bioChE]

Yeah, it sounds like you're on a one-way train to IP-land. Don't fight it, that'll only make it worse. And believe us, the alternative of the bridge would be devastating to those who love you.

I only say this because I've been there, and know exactly what you're going through. I had a bridge and a method picked out. I've been to the place where you can stop time. I've walked naked through the streets and wondered why exactly the cops showed up.

You claim not many people are drugged and are in a good place. I can tell you I'm on meds and life is pretty damn good. I'm a husband and father, and I provide for my family via a professional job that keeps us going. If I were back in the mindset you're describing, there's no way I could hold this all together. And I've gotten to this place of stability by working with my doctors, not against them. They're there to help. The only thing keeping me from the thought processes you're describing is the meds I'm on. They're not perfect, there are side effects and my mood is slightly off where I would ideally like it to be. But my life is good, my family is provided for, and I've not taken that walk to the bridge. Matter of fact I haven't even wanted to since 2015. I'd say that's progress.

Good luck with your journey. Trust your husband, trust your doctors. They're there to help you out of the state you're in, which I can definitively say is not a good or safe one.

[UpDownAround]

I think you should share the info you posted over in my wellbutrin titration thread with your husband or the doctor.

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Within 2.5 weeks on 300 I was already documenting some warning signs like colors looking very vivid, sleep deteriorating(even with a sleeping pill), lots of dancing and admiring how hot I am lol. Gradually increased but took a dive to depression at week 6 for 1 week. This may have been due to pms and throwing up almost all of my food for a month though(not on purpose I was just very sick and didnt want wellbutrin taken away so I didnt go to the dr for 3 weeks). That is when I quit taking my sleeping pill because I was sleeping fine and then I just didnt go back on it when I probably should have. Week 7 started climbing again and I am at week 10 now.

They do have your best interests at heart. It won't necessarily be taken away, but it needs to be titrated to the proper level. Based on how I started feeling this afternoon, I am dropping back to 225mg. We have to be careful not to chase the manic high; it feels good to start with but can lead to some dark places and hard crashes back into depression.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Well the a**holes are locking me up. I dont want to be here, heading straight to hell. I was hoping they would just f***ing force feed me a sleeping pill and send me home with a mood stabilizer but no of course not. 2hr drive to get there and even these f***ing doors here are locked so I can't get out. I didn't do anything to deserve to be treated this way.

[Nammu]

Given your first post here this is a safe place for you to be. I hate the locked doors too but they do have your safety in mind.

[jacky8807]

I have been to the "I have never been so happy. Maybe I will jump off this bridge and end it all" place and it is a very very dangerous spot. Maybe the most dangerous there is.

Hope you feel good (as in stable) they can hopefully prevent the crash and even you out.

[WildcatVet]

Try to remember that you're there for your own health and well-being. When you're not healthy you can't see out but care providers CAN see in and you are in a very, very dangerous situation. You'll see too...if you can accept that you need their help.