[Shazerac]

So I had a good sulk. I got my feelings hurt about a disagreement on the forum. Then, I let my feelings/emotions climb in the drivers seat and go careening down the emotional highway, taking turns too fast and doing a massive roll over where they were ejected from the drivers seat.

I view my mind/logic as the driver of my mental bus and my emotions/feelings as unruly passengers. I frequently have to pull over and yell "if you guys don't sit down and shut up, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you."

As luck would have it I had a Pdoc appointment yesterday. I was worried that maybe I'm getting manic and trampling on others in the process. She thinks I'm stable so I'm going to take her word for it.

To take my mind off things, I decided to take Myers Briggs personality test. Tested as ENTP, the "debater."

Weakness of a debater personality type:
Debaters’ capacity for debate can be a vexing one – while often appreciated when it’s called for, it can fall painfully flat when they step on others’ toes by say, openly questioning their boss in a meeting, or picking apart everything their significant other says. This is further complicated by Debaters’ unyielding honesty, as this type doesn’t mince words and cares little about being seen as sensitive or compassionate. Likeminded types get along well enough with people with the Debater personality type, but more sensitive types, and society in general, are often conflict-averse, preferring feelings, comfort, and even white lies over unpleasant truths and hard rationality.

Guilty as charged.

Then I went to a forum about personality and read a thread " you know you're an ENTP if... you start a debate with someone and can tell your winning, so you switch sides just to keep the debate going." Oh my God, I have actually done that. I love debate and love intellectual sparring. To me it's a sport. I have to keep in mind that not everyone, actually very few, like to do this.

So to end a long post. I'm sorry if I come across as uncaring or lacking compassion. I don't mean to hurt anyone, or imply that you are a wuss because you are struggling. I'm hard wired to be analytical. I challenge people with "what if "scenarios. What if...you are depressed but get out of bed anyway? What if...you feel the fear but do it anyway? I mean it as a challenge not a judgment.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

What if...you are depressed but get out of bed anyway?

I have always done that. I don't know if that means my depression isn't as bad or I just have a higher tolerance for death marches, which is what it often feels like. I plod along with a vacant gaze, go through motions and manage to get just enough done to be valuable, then plod back home. I don't make myself feel better, I just take my **** show on the road.

[Wild Coyote]

I'm glad you are here!

WC

[Shazerac]

I hear you. When I'm depressed, even going to the convenience store for milk for coffee seems like the Bataan Death March.

I also excel at taking my shitshow in the road. My view is...everyone is nuts anyway. I'm just another drop in the ocean.

I'm glad you are back and feeling better.

I'm an INFJ according to those tests. It's been years since I researched it but I found my type is the most rare and also the one often linked to mental illness.

I'm always happy to hear and know that some people who are depressed haven't experienced the kind where you can get out of bed, speak or function. Maybe some people are stronger......I'm sure it feels nice to think so and I have no idea as I've yet to see a test to take on diagnosing strength. Years ago I went through the worst depression of my life......all previous ones.....even ones where I attempted were much less severe. My husband works in a state mental hospital with the sickest of the sick for 15 years and he said he'd never seen anyone as depressed as I was. Do I win a prize? No.....but I do have insight into how bad it can get and tell a cautionary tale to never think things couldn't get worse.......they can get worse, much worse.

But lots of people go out and fight this world with ugly symptoms, yes. Way to go to them all. And some are so sick they can't......big giant hugs to them cause they need them.

[Shazerac]

Hi Elsa, thank you for welcoming me back. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't mean to jump down your throat and rip your tongue out....but I did. And for that I apologize. I swear I will try to never do that to you again.

If you and I were on the Starship Enterprise, I would be the Klingon yelling "battle!" And jumping into the fray for the thrill of the fight. You are counselor Troy the empath. Your way of viewing things is just as valid as mine. I tend to steam roll people. I've been accused of that as early as 3 years of age. I argued with a waitress about the correct way to make a cherry coke.

I do hear you and I believe you. You are deeply suffering, both physically and mentally. Nobody should have as much pain as you have. I find it infuriating and frustrating that you haven't found the help you need ....Yet.....I am ever hopeful that your luck changes and you catch a break.

It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can to help you. I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm always happy to hear and know that some people who are depressed haven't experienced the kind where you can get out of bed, speak or function. Maybe some people are stronger......I'm sure it feels nice to think so and I have no idea as I've yet to see a test to take on diagnosing strength. Years ago I went through the worst depression of my life......all previous ones.....even ones where I attempted were much less severe. My husband works in a state mental hospital with the sickest of the sick for 15 years and he said he'd never seen anyone as depressed as I was. Do I win a prize? No.....but I do have insight into how bad it can get and tell a cautionary tale to never think things couldn't get worse.......they can get worse, much worse.

But lots of people go out and fight this world with ugly symptoms, yes. Way to go to them all. And some are so sick they can't......big giant hugs to them cause they need them.

Severity is so subjective. There will never really be a way to know if I nearly always feel less depressed than most when I am down (I suspect this is true) or if I just manage to press on despite feeling as bad. I said "nearly always" because I have had rare incidents of "on the floor, hugging my knees, rocking and sobbing" depression. That's also why I think the depression I push through isn't as bad. But even at that low point, I can manage to pull myself together enough to plod along, but the vacant gaze is conspicuously downcast and fools no one.

I like you a lot Shaz. You mean well and have good intentions which to me is everything. You didn't hurt me, I just didn't agree and had to speak up for others like me.

Sometimes when I'm unwell, everything I see and hear in the world is a plot against me. I'm playing chess with people who mean me and my family great harm. I can't listen to the radio, books or watch TV because the messages they send cause me so much distress. I can't go to the store, talk to my mother, my friend or anyone because it enforces the delusions. When I worked, I went between feeling people were my friends who wanted what was best for me or they were all conspiring against me to ruin me and my family. I still went to work......I'm stronger than most. I've doubted that for far too long. Most people have no clue what it's like and I'm glad about that. I get "feelings" about people and their intentions......sometimes I'm wrong and sometimes right. I have to natigate things which most people just cannot fanthom. My mental illness could be much worse......or perhaps I've just been very lucky to have met the people I've met who have kept me off the streets. My mental illness is much more severe than I used to accept. I don't want this to be true......I want to be well........I used to just think I had ESP. Maybe I am an Empath......it's not scientific but I fit the criteria. Maybe I'm not as sick as I think and people have terrible intentions and I sense them? I don't know.

There is the saying "if I can do it, so can you" and it's just a big huge shaming fallacy. It's ableism and pretty insulting to those who really suffer. This is just how I see it. We each see the world through our own unique pair of specially tinted glasses......all made up of our intellect, personalities, sensitivies, experiences, etc. I can't tell someone else what their truth is, I can just listen to it and share my thoughts.

Thank you for your concern about me. I do suffer.....we all do here and I know it. If someone who doesn't suffer comes here it's rather silly I'd say. I have a lot of hopeful things happening in my life which might bring a ton of wellness to my entire family. I can't write about it because I'm afraid my blessings will be blocked, but things are happening and I'm hopeful. I hope you stay well Shaz.

[Shazerac]

Elsa, I'm glad you spoke up!

I really don't believe in the fallacy of "if I can do it so can you." I know that's not true. All I can do is say "hey, this is what worked for me." And share my experience. I try not to assume that what works for me should work for someone else. I don't think any less or view it as a weakness if what works for me does not work for them.

We all have our own unique journey. All we can do is try to help each other down the road.

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I'm glad you spoke up!

I really don't believe in the fallacy of "if I can do it so can you." I know that's not true. All I can do is say "hey, this is what worked for for me." And share my experience. I try not to assume that what works for me should work for someone else. I don't think any less or view it as a weakness if what works for me does not work for them.

We all have our own unique journey. All we can do is try to help each other down the road.

That is so beautiful and I totally agree!!! (((Hugs)))

I've wanted to tell you for awhile that I smile every time I read your signature frog story......I smile because, well....it's very true!

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Elsa and Shazerac,

I feel a lot of healing, even within myself, simply witnessing your exchanges with one another. Thank you, each of you -- for being yourselves and for sharing this exchange with us.

With Love and Gratitude,


WC

[Fuzzybear]

my emotions and feelings are definitely unruly passengers. I don't know how to eject them. I don't think I can. Thank you for your honest sharing, I really appreciate you and this forum

My logical analytical brain, when present, is what has allowed me to survive this long, I think

[~Christina]

(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))