I thought through helping others I could help myself. Turns out that by the time I was exonerated I may as well have been in the electric chair.
Sometimes if you give an inch people will take a mile.
I dreamt last night that I was my teenage self again. I was ridiculed by an old friend and a teacher. Then I realise my hands are in my pockets and I feel the cold metal of a gun and I am exhilarated.
I point it at the old friend and say "this town is not big enough for the both of us" then I feel my other pocket is heavy and I take out a metal knuckle duster and it occurs to me. I say "would you care to apologise for saying that I must have hit every branch on the ugly tree when the stork dropped me" and I swing back and strike her face splitting her nose and I hit her, pulverise her face.
Then my teacher, opens the curtain and says "what a mess, look at you, go home"
I say "I am far too immature to understand that request. I look at my old friend and I say, I did this too you because all I do is try and help everyone and all I get in return is grief, whatever I do is never enough. I did my damndest to find a job, I teach because why? I am immature right? Naïve to think that if I go out my way and do someone a favour maybe they will show some gratitude. I avoid drugs because I am immature, I go to college to resit my highe'rs as I should have done better cause I am immature, I told you all Axl Rose's friends wanted from you were one thing because I was immature and jealous right?? I told you will do well with a new coach and getting away for a while would be great, correct me if I am wrong I am immature! I realise that I wanted to have fun with my friends while I was young but this was because I was immature. Well stuff you, watch me blow my brains out and I promise I will haunt you"
I turn back to the teacher who holds onto his belly and throws his head back and laughs and I say "I am about to spray your wall with my juices because according to you I am not in the same bed two nights running and spread them about town, it is only fair that you get some too!"
Then I put the gun in my mouth pointing upwards and everything glows white.
I woke up with a puddle of sweat on my bed

I am sorry for your bad dream. Have you been able to make any sense of it? Sometimes my dreams try to tell me something. Last night my husband said I was very frustrated and raising my voice as I talked in my sleep.....I was talking to my son and trying to get him to listen to me....I woke up very unsettled. I know that bad dreams can take some time to move past. Are you feeling any better now?

I don't often remember dreams in such clarity. It did hang in my mind yesterday till I wrote about it. It is not a typical one to find meaning in but I think it is related to the fact that these people were nasty to me and I never resolved those angry conflicted feelings so my brain was saying I have to blow them out my head and thoughts not literally but metaphorically, take revenge and forgive and forget them.
I also dreamt at 18 that she raped me, and also her pal big bird did.
I am getting ground down with these vivid nightmares, that are happening because my AP has been cut. I cannot go back to who I used to be, so I will just have to soldier on.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your nightmares. I hope you can sleep in peace soon.

everyone left me in hospital to rot and the anger still messed up my daily living

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

everyone left me in hospital to rot and the anger still messed up my daily living

That absolutely stinks, I'm so sorry



I'm also in the U.K.

[Wild Coyote]

I'm sorry you are having such vivid and traumatic nightmares.
You'd mentioned things getting worse since your AP was "cut."
Any chance of asking your pdoc if you can go back up on the dosage?

Were you recently in the hospital?

Please stay safe.

WC

Umm. That was a bad dream, a nightmare. Agreed? Vivid and memorable (pretty remarkable, that) but not a portend of the future.

Calm, measured breaths.

Everyone has bad dreams.

Now, have you sought help? Not found anything/anyone helpful?

I know the sick of trying part. Blows, don’t it? Put that aside for now, okay?

My idiotic advice is to focus on ‘help.’ Not no one, not me, not sick, not trying. Imagine that these thoughts are confetti on the floor of your frontal lobe (this ain’t an effing anatomy class) and you have a broom. You can sweep what you wish back, back, back to hide them away. The only piece remaining is help.

P.S. I liked the juicy bits, juice.

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

everyone left me in hospital to rot and the anger still messed up my daily living

When we’re you in hospital? How long? Who do you include in the ‘everyone’ group?

I find anger - righteous indignation - cleansing, like fire.

Absolutely agree that dreams have meaning.

We were young
Not missing out on anything
Oblivious
I made a t$t of myself so you got sponsored and it kick started your career
You are welcome
I know it would be too embarrassing for you to admit we were once friends so I will acquiesce and say we were just rivals
Goodbye
Forever
Don't worry I am still alive
I am not as sick as my wonderful mother makes out
I will be OK
None of my s#$t is to do with you
You are smart
I have every faith you will figure it out
So goodbye
If we cross paths
Just smile
It was in another life
Goodbye

[Shazerac]

Before I was admitted I had a go at my mum. I got angry because she said that my "poor" fiance must be devastated we broke up .poor lad she said. So I exploded and said "you have never cared if I was happy. ...my brother always got everything and there was nothing left over for me....you always put me bottom of pecking order"
So my nan asked if I was jelous of my brother it was just me n mun for short space of time. I said no because my father looked after me while she went out and partied. She was shocked. Everyone things I am so one dimensional.
But come to think of it, my brother always got more attention from my mum n step dad's friends and our extended family as he was "full of energy" and confident and handsome. I caused a few scenes but I was just a bairn. Sorry strawberry milkshake, it was my issues.
But who has never had issues at some point in their life?
I always felt left out of my family. I would have traded my good grades for some love and attention any day.
My mum never praised me.
She always boasted more about my brother even though I was top of my class so it's nonwonder I found it hard to apply myself and went off the rails.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But it's in the past. I am only human.

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

I don't often remember dreams in such clarity. It did hang in my mind yesterday till I wrote about it. It is not a typical one to find meaning in but I think it is related to the fact that these people were nasty to me and I never resolved those angry conflicted feelings so my brain was saying I have to blow them out my head and thoughts not literally but metaphorically, take revenge and forgive and forget them.
I also dreamt at 18 that she raped me, and also her pal big bird did.
I am getting ground down with these vivid nightmares, that are happening because my AP has been cut. I cannot go back to who I used to be, so I will just have to soldier on.

When I was training in my sport in my way to being a professional athlete, I remember it was the three of us at the university. This always spells trouble.
So my male and female team mate got a bit close so I was left as goose berry. They then did that typical playground game when they feel someone is cramping their style and they told me to go away and leave them alone .I wasn't sure if it's because I was deep down just a loser because I listened to my rock tunes and that was not cool at my school.
I wanted to play drums, but somehow I ended up a kickboxer. I was a geek, how did this happen.
I am still confused as to why my fiance s ,friend said I was looking for a sugar daddy. I was intelligent and sporty- the world should have been my oyster.
My team mates grabbed my phone on the train, when I wasn't looking and I had texted a friend saying they were doing my head in. We started training in the mornings but I was a night owl and hated it immensely.
By now I was spreading myself too thin. I have was studying to keep my brain sharp, working more or less full time at a supermarket, trying to maintain social life so my sport fell by the wayside, but I knew it was time to call it quits and I would go no further. Maybe I believe in divine intervention