Not sure of a subject line

Just a thought
Day 10 of reduced respirdal
Is it withdrawal
Is it returned symptoms
Or does my life really just suck?

My pdoc and i decide that i would first try to go without an antipsychotic (my idea). If it didnt work i would try latuda. Most of what i have read about latuda is awful. I dont want to touch it. I feel like i have no options.

Im about to go pick up my mom. Ive been awake since 6 and Ive just made it out of bed. Im about to go pick up my mom. She will have lots of questions about why Im so sad. She will blame it on my divorce and other people. She will tell me that I just have to find happiness inside myself. I will say its not other people. I will be annoyed. I will say ok and shake my head. She will ask if im overmedicated. I will say no. She will say that I shouldnt take meds. I will think - well, this is what you get when i reduce meds. You dont like her so you dont like me. So whats the point of this conversation?

I feel bad that Ive already snapped on my son this morning. All he did was eat cereal in the middle of the night. He has no idea why im so moody. Teenage boy. I feel like i need to explain myself so that he doesnt feel like things are his fault.

I always feel like i have to hide. I had a list of things to do today. I also kept telling myself that if I made it to friday without having to take off work that I would be proud of myself. I dont feel proud. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I just want to go back to bed but that doesnt feel good either.

Thanks for letting me share. . .

I'm sorry you're so sad. Hopefully your mom will understand. I also snap at my teenage son when I'm not feeling good. It's not his fault so I do a lot of apologizing. Hope you feel better soon...hugs.

Sounds like you are having a rough time There are other AP options besides Latuda. It might be difficult t manage bipolar without an AP.

It's really difficult dealing with people who don't believe in mental illness or the need for meds especially when it's a parent dumping this load of crap on us. Maybe you could say "look Mom, after you go to medical school and additional 4 years of psychiatric training...THEN you would be qualified to offer me an opinion."

I will NEVER understand why every lay person thinks they're an expert when it comes to mental illness. Would they try amateur heart surgery? It really pisses me off!

Hang in there

I’m sorry your suffering. It’s always horrible for anyone to snap at loved ones.

I take Latuda, it’s weight neutral. It has helped me so so much. Why are you wanting to stay away from it?

A lot of people said it didn't work for them and that they had involuntary movements from it. Some said they didn't stop when they stopped taking it. There were only a few people that said they gained weight while on it. Weight gain is why I'm coming off of respirdal. I weigh more now than I ever have and my carb cravings are out of control.

As for my conversation with my mother -- it centered around memory. She, of course, asked me if I was forgetting things because I was over medicated. I told her that My doctor was actually backing me off one of my meds. She asked which one and then went into the spill about how she hated that medication. She'd seen one of her foster children gain a lot of weight while on it. When he was old enough to make the choice to take meds or not, he got off and lost a lot of weight. I told her that my memory and attention span seem to be getting worse as the days pass. Her response was that i had to get off of those meds though. I just needed to search in myself for happiness and I would be fine. Yeah, wish it was that easy.

My doctor told me that taking me off of an AP probably wouldn't work. In our discussion he asked why did I want to come off and I explained my rationale. I guess it was good enough. He said if we are going to try it, now is the time. Well, i'm in panic mode. If I go back, i will gain another 15 lbs by Christmas. And going forward there is the unknown. The other issue is this, People always say that they find the real them when they became stable. I think, what is the real me? Is it really the person that I see when I'm medicated because after 3 years, she still feels unfamiliar to me? At this point, i'm really not sure who I am and what I really feel like.

What if i'm really this person who is all over the place, up-down, angry, tearful, outspoken, forgetful, pessimistic, queen-of-the-world, self conscious, confident, and all the other stuff that describes how i feel at any given moment in time. Maybe that's just me and that's the way i'm supposed to be. Then i think about all of the time that i waste when i'm not properly medicated and i think about how the meds help me work full time and i'm all confused again. I'm just not sure how i'm supposed to feel, or deal with all of this. I'm down to about one friend and these days, i feel myself kind of pushing her away. I feel like my attitude is so negative, why would she even want to be my friend.

My son can't figure out what in the world is going on with me.

I just want to stay away from everybody. I'm tired of pretending. Sigh. . . I'm all over the place. I don't understand the difference if "withdrawal" from not having a medication and symptoms returning. I don't want to give up too soon.

It's so embarrassing to need to seek mental health care. It's so embarrassing to have to take meds. It's so lonely not to have anyone to talk to about it.

I just wish it would all go away. I know that it's not. Sigh. . .

Hey there—I don’t have much to add to above posters’ comments, but hang in there. You are not alone; you’re talking to us



I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you had more support and understanding

It can take a long time to find the right meds to control your symptoms. Hang in there, and keep trying

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. When I'm hypomanic, I get agitated, am quick to get frustrated, have racing thoughts, am forgetful, etc. Being on an AP helps to reduce these symptoms, but that's just me. I hope you can find a solution that you're happy with. As for your mother, you're a grown man; I might be tempted to ask her to keep her thoughts & opinions to herself. It seems like she's just increasing the negative feelings you're having.

I realize that I'm a grown woman, and bot am i tempted to say a lot of things. It just hurts, that's all. I regret the day that I told her.